Monday, March 30, 2015

Continuing Ed For the Post-College Decades

17th Grade (Ages 22-23) 

  • 4 Tax Exemptions: Trying Not To Screw Yourself
  • Dividing Utilities Between Seven Roommates, One of Whom Is Unemployed And Runs The A/C All Day: Math For The Post-College Years
  • I Don’t Care What You Say Anymore, This Is My Life: Billy Joel Lyrics For Everyday Use
  • Philosophical Rationalizations For Living With Your Parents
  • Chutes & Ladders, Hold The Ladders: Navigating The Entry-Level Job 
Supplies needed:
  1. Unchecked narcissism and feeling of entitlement
  2. Crate of Cup O’ Noodles and the cheapest hooch you can find
  3. Empty savings account
  4. At least two forms of government-issued ID 
22nd Grade (ages 27-28) 

  • Student Loans And Credit Cards: How To Pay Them Off Without Selling Drugs, Or Your Eggs
  • But Where Will My Amps Go? Spatial Geometry For Cohabitation
  • Who’s The Boss? How To Survive a Management Job You Are In No Way Qualified For
  • Unreal Estate: Someone, Somewhere Will Probably Let You Buy Property
  • Out Of The Shot Glass, Into The Wine Box: Late Twenties Drinking Made Simple 
Supplies needed:
  1. Gnawing sense of unease
  2. Lease co-signed by no more than one other person
  3. At least one piece of framed wall art
  4. A 401K you don’t understand 
27th Grade (ages 32-33) 

  • 50 Shades of Gray: Understanding Your Changing Scalp
  • Literally Anyone Can Create Another Human Being With Frighteningly Little Effort: Parenting For The Emotionally Unprepared
  • Yes, You Need A Will, Even If Your Net Worth Is Negative
  • People Who Became Wildly Successful At The Age You Are Right Now And How To Discredit Them
  • Metabolic Betrayal: Physiology of The Early Thirties 
Supplies needed:
  1. Chilling realization that your mother had already had three kids by this age
  2. A checkbook you rarely use but balance anyway, because if you don’t you fear that Suze Orman will somehow know, come to your house, and beat you unconscious with a stack of savings bonds
  3. A pet, plant, spouse or small child you are responsible for keeping alive
  4. Preventative wrinkle cream 
35th Grade (ages 40-41) 

  • It Is In Fact Mathematically Possible For You To Have A Child Who Is In High School: Beating Denial With Simple Algebra
  • There Is No “I” In Comb-Over: Embracing The Hair You Have Left Without Shame
  • Identifying The Celebrities On The Cover Of Us Weekly, Especially If They Were Born After You Turned 25
  • Grape Expectations: Oenophilia For The Over-40
  • Menopause or Meningitis? Fun With WebMD 
Supplies needed: 
  1. Suspicion that you have Benjamin Button disease and are in fact aging in reverse
  2. A gimlet eye
  3. Coupons for “family-size” sundries
  4. At least three sets of keys that open who the hell knows what
To be continued...




  2. Consider me enrolled. What are the tuition fees again?


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