Monday, March 3, 2014

Brief But Important Lessons From the 2014 Oscars

1. Formal Khaki is the New Black

I am admittedly biased, because "white person flesh" is my least favorite Crayola shade, but here's a new party game: See if you can distinguish Angelina Jolie from a jaundiced polar bear, or Cate Blanchett from a pair of honey beige control top pantyhose! Winner gets all the flan they can eat in one sitting.

2.  This Was the Year of the TuxedNO

Before you say anything, yes, there is a time and place for a white tux--it is 1977 on Fantasy Island. There is also a time and place for a red tux, and it is on the decaying body of Beetlejuice at his wedding to Lydia Deetz (which incidentally ends with him being eaten by a Sandworm). There is no time nor place for formal jams, Pharrell, I don't care how much "Happy" makes me dance.

3. Liza Don't Give a Fuh

As someone might say in the mid-nineties, or as my mom would still say to this day, "You go, girl."

4. BREAKING NEWS: John Travolta is not gay!!!!

Because what self-respecting homosexual man can't pronounce Idina Menzel? Case--and closet--closed.
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