Tuesday, December 31, 2013

10 Fail-Proof New Year's Resolutions

1. Wake up hungover on January 1st and immediately ruin your planned juice cleanse with a Denny’s Grand Slam.

2. Continue to write previous year on checks through October.

3. Unsuccessfully attempt to save a gif file.

But if you do manage to save one, make it this one.

4. Once a month, make online reservation for a yoga class. Then cancel at 2 am the night before, 3/4 of the way into a bottle of Chardonnay.

5. Curse more extensively upon opening phone bill.

6. Take more accidental iPhone videos of people standing still, posing for a photo, while shouting “Why isn’t it taking it???”

7. Watch four episodes of Law & Order: SUV in a row while drunkenly Tweeting.

8. Mispronounce John Boehner’s last name on purpose.

9. Make ill-advised impulse purchase in the checkout line at Best Buy.

10. Wash something dry clean only.

May your 2014 be marked by health, wealth, happiness, and Beyonce manifesting in your living room to personally deliver your stuffed-crust pizza from behind her left ear.
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