Friday, September 13, 2013

An Alternative Glossary of Blog Comments

I read a lot of blogs, most of which are written by women in their 30s and 40s, and almost all of which are a mixture of humor and sincere, if navel-gazing, attempts at profundity (uh, sound familiar?).

Anyway, while all of these blogs, and their writers, are very different, I've been noticing lately that the comment sections can get redundant. So I humbly offer the following alternatives for paying homage to your favorite bloggers:

What you want to express: Agreement
The standard comment: THIS.
The unexpected comment: Someone take me to Kinkos, 'cause I need to make a XEROX!

This is both saucy and pleasantly retro. Give yourself a high-five.

What you want to express: Amusement
The standard comment: LOL!!!
The unexpected comment:  CUNT!!!

"Cracking Up, Nice Touch!" Obviously.

What you want to express: Empathy
The standard comment: ((((Hugs))))
The unexpected comment:  ( ( )  ← Butt

Because crude renderings of butts make people laugh, and laughter improves mood. Like a hug, but with a crack. So, better.

What you want to express: Unbearable sadness
The standard comment: Tears!
The unexpected comment: Tears... of blood.

Anyone can make regular tears, and besides, they're probably not really crying anyway. If you want to stand out, you've got to kick it up a notch, Emeril-style. Haemolacria, bitches. BAM! Look it up. 

What you want to express: Pride/Idolization
The standard comment: You're a rockstar!!!!
The unexpected comment: You're a prosthodonist!

Rock stars are usually unstable egomaniacs with substance abuse problems. Is this really the parallel you want to make to commend someone on potty-training their two year-old? A prosthodontist--someone who makes dentures and replacement teeth for people like Keith Richards (incidentally, a ROCKSTAR)--is a rare, highly-skilled, and well-compensated professional. You make the call. I'll wait.



  1. I see what you did there :)

  2. use the pipe symbol for the middle on this one

    ( | )

    looks more realistic :)

    1. Ah, yes, I was going for more of a 3/4-turn look but that is much more clear.

  3. Haven't been on your page in a while and I love the updated look; although, it could be quite old and I wouldn't know. Anyway...THIS, ha! You are the queen of humor. Do you actually know someone who has successfully potty-trained a two-year-old because I'd love to speak with him or her.

    1. Thanks! I changed it about 3 months ago, but I'm going to have someone make me a real, grown-up author site soon with the blog incorporated. 7 years seems about right to finally go pro.

      I have one friend whose 2 year old is almost trained, and she is big into "elimination communication." I'm pretty sure I'm doing it wrong; "Did you just poop? I'm pretty sure you just pooped." is all of the EC I seem to be capable of.

  4. I thu k I'd you really want unique comments you should go the way of the robot. The robots on my blog page are quite original. I'm actually very jealous because they might just be better writers than I am. Damn robots.

  5. Anonymous8:39 PM

    I oft regret spinning my mouse wheel only to find an endless rolling page of "Great Post" or "loved this" in the comments. Especially with the post was awesome (or mine).

    Clearly a good post deserves a better thought out comment.

    I for one would like to install voting arrows on people's comments. If somebody makes a dumb comment, vote them down into oblivion I say. Off with their heads!

    Thank you for saying it. I might add a line to my posts saying "If you don't have anything intelligent to add, then head back on over to Pintrest and sing the song of your people over there"

  6. Kinkos, here I come!

    That being said, anyone tired of being called a rockstar, I would be happy to pass along your blog to my sister who regularly reminds me in the comments (or now just texts me so I get her pithy little critiques faster) how inept I am at technology, how like our mother I am (and not in a good way) and continually feels (() for my poor, misunderstood husband.

    I'm sure she'd be happy to take a shot at you too! Good thing I love her to death!!!!!

  7. I hereby adopt your recommendations. Honestly, I think Facebook got it right on this one... a simple thumbs-up icon would go a long way. If there were one on this post, I would have "Liked" it and saved you the chore of reading all these words. As a blogger, most of the time, it's all I want to know.

    Xeroxing away...

  8. Two is a fun age! No, really. My little guy turned 2 in July and the fun is just beginning. I honestly enjoy hanging out with him more now than ever. And you've got me beat on showers. I'm a once every 3 days kind of gal. *Sniffs armpits*


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