Thursday, July 11, 2013

TGI...WTF? The Importance of Being Pants

Gird your hooded thong-covered loins, children. Ol' Lady LaMarche is dustin' off her fashion sass-hat.

Because woe (and woah), there are some insidious pants trends rising up from the drop-crotched pits of Hades.

I know I've written about pants before on the blog. Longtime readers will recall my disdain for harem pants, rompers, and jeggings.

But dudes. It is getting SO. MUCH. WORSE.

I mean, what in the ever-loving fuck is this supposed to be?

I'm sorry, but soooooo.... now it's acceptable to steal Subway Jared's old Levi's, hot glue gun them to ill-fitting sweats like some kind of nightmarish, thigh-puckered Frankenstein monster, cuff them (insult, meet injury), and then throw on a PVC bra and Zack Morris' 1991 flat top and call it a motherfucking day?

This simply cannot stand. (And definitely not on white stilettos, Miley.)

And it's not just the C-listers deciding it's OK to go all sartorially Sybil below the belt.

That is Jennifer Lawrence, Oscar winner. Appearing in public in half of a "palazzo pant" (and the only thing worse than saying pant in the singular is actually wearing pant leg, in the singular, Katniss) and half of something from the surplus stock of the 1988 Julia Sugarbaker Tuxedo for Her Collection for JC Penny (which only exists in my mind, but still.)

Jennifer. You are a ROLE MODEL for IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG GIRLS. Stop day drinking and find some bottoms that are not conjoined fraternal twins.

I'm sorry; I'm getting upset. Let me simmer a minute.

BIEBER, I SAID I WAS SIMMERING! Whhhhhyyyyyyyyy must you taunt me? And whhhheeeeere did you get the pants from my limited-edition NKOTB Concert Edition Jordan Knight doll? He is only 12" tall--THOSE ARE TOO SMALL FOR YOU!!! The man in the background is wearing both a jacket AND a hoodie, so surely you must feel a stiff breeze somewhere in your crackal region. P.S. If you can poop without removing any clothing YOU ARE WEARING YOUR PANTS WRONG.

Oh, good. Phew. That's better. You can definitely poop into those without anyone being the wiser.

R.I.P., pants. I'll always remember you as being two identical legs with a seam that hugs the genitals, and a waist that causes muffin top in the sides, not the upper buttocks.

You tried your best to shine, but you were just too good for this world.



  1. oh pants, sweet pants. RIP.

  2. Anonymous12:07 PM

    When I saw the title of your post, I felt for sure you were talking about this:

  3. I saw a girl rock a romper once. She was about nineteen and ninety pounds. No one else is allowed. Except babies. Babies may wear rompers.

  4. Anonymous12:47 PM

    Oh Una, I love it when you blog about fashion! Any chance you could be persuaded to blog the new season of Project Runway? I'll send you a bottle of wine and a bag of tootsie rolls every Thursday.

  5. Pants, we hardly knew ye....

  6. This was the best fashion post I have ever read! Thank you for speaking the truth so loud and proud!

  7. It is a sad, sad day...and not only because we have to see Miley and Justin to begin with.

  8. Loved it! So glad Chris Dean shared it, that is how I found you. Again, well done!
    Carrie~ The Just Mildly Medicated chick

  9. It's been a while since I've seen Miley in any pants. She usually just wears her underwear with high boots. Well there is her pants made of "white paint" in her trashy video. Luckily no one can see a picture of my "gained a few pounds" mom pants.

  10. This is so funny I split my pants laughing. Excellent job finding people wearing ridiculous things, and calling them out.

  11. Still laughing about the Julia Sugarbaker Tuxedo for Her Collection.... Which might be quite lovely compared with some of these horrendous outfits!

  12. I think the Julia Sugarbaker collection may be better than most of these.

  13. I laughed so hard at this post that I cried. You are dead on, about ALL of it.

    I was forced to buy "harem pants" when I was in Thailand this past January and I have yet to find a place to wear them in the US that feels acceptable.

    RIP Pants :( I will miss you.

  14. i hate pants, but i'd rather wear real pants than any of this sort of crap.


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