Monday, June 24, 2013

Excerpts From Holden Caulfield's "Cinderella"

So this is a real thing I did for a 9th grade English class. It surfaced in one of the many boxes my mother recently dragged up from her basement, which is being renovated.

Right off the bat, this is educational. We learn that:
  • Concave text art was--and remains!--the bomb
  • J.D. Salinger's Cinderella was also a Bratz Doll 
  • I was brazen enough to submit an English paper missing a possessive apostrophe right on the front cover (I think it's pretty clear I hoped my not-at-all last-minute pencil drawing of Rachel Zoe dressed as a homeless witch would save me...)
Anyway, I clearly had a blast imitating Holden's bitchy inner monologue:

I guess I should start by saying that my name is Cinderella. I got it from my old bag of a stepmother, who my lousy father married before he had this hemorrhage that killed him. She thought she was this very big deal and all. She said she picked that particular name because I spent all day in the fireplace sweeping up the goddamn cinders. Ha-ha. Cinderella, for Christ's sake! Every time I say it I could puke. I really could.

Cinderella was not a fan of her trademark footwear...

The glass slippers hurt my feet like hell, but I kept my mouth shut. I'm kind of yellow that way.

...and had some preconceived notions about the prince....

I let the footman in and he made this huge production of reading this proclamation about the prince searching for some lady love. Very big deal. Probably a prostitute, is what I was thinking.

Of course, she gets her happy ending. Not that she's pleased.

The thing of it is, the goddamn castle is so big that to get to the lousy bathroom I have to run way the hell over to the other side of town, practically. 

I'll admit, I'm charmed by my 9th grade self (and Holderella), but I'm a little disturbed that I actually turned this artifact in as a homework assignment. Not as disturbed as I am by the bin of dessicated Troll dolls my mom asked me if I wanted to take home...

Ask Santa effusively, and ye shall receive...
...but almost.



  1. Haha, I wrote a version of Cinderella in the style of "Catcher in the Rye" for my 10th grade English class. Only mine was from the view of the stepsister.

  2. I long for a treasure trove of trolls such as that one. You are the luckiest!

  3. so did you take the treasure trolls home?

  4. Rachel Zoe/bratz doll. You are a prophet!
    oh Trolls. Do you remember the weird movie, with the song "Trollies Come From Acorns"?


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