Friday, June 14, 2013

Dear NSA: Brief Explanations of Recent, Questionable Google Searches

1. Funny gif of someone crying

Not a sociopath, just needed it for a blog post. Chill.

2. Girl with Down Syndrome posing with Barbie

Okay, okay, look, I know this one sounds fucked up, but I just needed to confirm my sister's assertion that a photo of me was the first image result.

Which... is true.

3. Chris Messina naked

[Record screech sound effect] HOLD UP, Obama. Is a lady suddenly NOT allowed to get drunk watching The Mindy Project at 3am on a random Thursday? WHATEVER, FASCISTS. (Kidding, Barry; I love you. And Chris, I'm sorry for exploiting you. Your face just looks like your ass is cute, and I had to check. Surely you understand.)

4. How can I buy gun in bulk online

Ahhhhh, Jesus, GUM. How can I buy GUM in bulk online. Did I mention I never learned to type? Look, if you don't believe me, just look at my teeth. I could floss with caution tape. Case closed.

5. Baby penis question

Yikes, this one is the worst, and I could see how you thought I might be a pedophile, or someone who doesn't speak English as a first language. But no, I just own a baby and he has a penis, and sometimes I don't know what it's supposed to be doing or how to clean/care for it properly.

I hope we're square now, feds. Have a great weekend. And let me know how I can get that photo out of the Down Syndrome search. It's, frankly, disrespectful.

That is Tropical Miko, not Barbie.


  1. Hilarious. Reminds me of the time I Googled "Jewish holidays" and then "explosives" for a sketch piece I was writing. That really sounds quite terrorist-y in retrospect.

  2. Pretty funny, especially the barbie search. In your defense though, none of the other pictures have people with down syndrome either though!

  3. Anonymous5:09 PM

    I think every heterosexual female and homosexual male who watches "The Mindy Project" has googled Chris Messina naked. He also talks about naked pictures of himself online here: so he probably doesn't mind. And you probably saw way more than his ass.

  4. I should probably write the NSA a letter of my own. I mean...there are some questionable searches for us all. And everyone has googled Chris Messina naked. No worries.

  5. You are hysterical! This post is sort of perfect.

    I'm trying to figure out how to email you to invite you to interview once I review FIVE SUMMERS next week, and I so hope you'll want to participate. I'd love a dose of your voice on my site.

    Now back to finding your email address...


  6. ah ha ha! Only you

  7. The only thing my Google searches prove is that I'm an idiot. I type entire questions in teh search box. And they are not cool. At all.

  8. Haha, I hope the NSA is okay with all of that weirdness happening at all, they're gonna start managing network access to your computer to keep you out ;)

  9. OMG. #2 and 3 crack me up. And knowing you, I KNOW THEY ARE TRUE.


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