Friday, June 14, 2013

Dear NSA: Brief Explanations of Recent, Questionable Google Searches

1. Funny gif of someone crying

Not a sociopath, just needed it for a blog post. Chill.

2. Girl with Down Syndrome posing with Barbie

Okay, okay, look, I know this one sounds fucked up, but I just needed to confirm my sister's assertion that a photo of me was the first image result.

Which... is true.


3. Chris Messina naked

[Record screech sound effect] HOLD UP, Obama. Is a lady suddenly NOT allowed to get drunk watching The Mindy Project at 3am on a random Thursday? WHATEVER, FASCISTS. (Kidding, Barry; I love you. And Chris, I'm sorry for exploiting you. Your face just looks like your ass is cute, and I had to check. Surely you understand.)

4. How can I buy gun in bulk online

Ahhhhh, Jesus, GUM. How can I buy GUM in bulk online. Did I mention I never learned to type? Look, if you don't believe me, just look at my teeth. I could floss with caution tape. Case closed.

5. Baby penis question

Yikes, this one is the worst, and I could see how you thought I might be a pedophile, or someone who doesn't speak English as a first language. But no, I just own a baby and he has a penis, and sometimes I don't know what it's supposed to be doing or how to clean/care for it properly.

I hope we're square now, feds. Have a great weekend. And let me know how I can get that photo out of the Down Syndrome search. It's, frankly, disrespectful.

That is Tropical Miko, not Barbie.
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10 comments :

  1. Hilarious. Reminds me of the time I Googled "Jewish holidays" and then "explosives" for a sketch piece I was writing. That really sounds quite terrorist-y in retrospect.

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  2. Pretty funny, especially the barbie search. In your defense though, none of the other pictures have people with down syndrome either though!

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  3. Anonymous5:09 PM

    I think every heterosexual female and homosexual male who watches "The Mindy Project" has googled Chris Messina naked. He also talks about naked pictures of himself online here: http://youtu.be/W5DniOgQHsg so he probably doesn't mind. And you probably saw way more than his ass.

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  4. I should probably write the NSA a letter of my own. I mean...there are some questionable searches for us all. And everyone has googled Chris Messina naked. No worries.

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  5. You are hysterical! This post is sort of perfect.

    I'm trying to figure out how to email you to invite you to interview once I review FIVE SUMMERS next week, and I so hope you'll want to participate. I'd love a dose of your voice on my site.

    Now back to finding your email address...

    -Risha

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  6. ah ha ha! Only you

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  7. The only thing my Google searches prove is that I'm an idiot. I type entire questions in teh search box. And they are not cool. At all.
    Vicky
    www.thepursuitofnormal.blogspot.com

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  8. Haha, I hope the NSA is okay with all of that weirdness happening at all, they're gonna start managing network access to your computer to keep you out ;)

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  9. OMG. #2 and 3 crack me up. And knowing you, I KNOW THEY ARE TRUE.

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