So this weekend my Facebook feed was filled with links to some study that says bras are bad for boobs. And I don't know about you, but I do not like where this is going, trend-wise.
Look. I don't know jack about the history of bras. I don't know why they were invented. Maybe they ARE oppressive and DO cause sagginess. (I mean, probably; if I could ride in a stroller all day I bet my legs would just atrophy into two delicious string cheeses.) All I need to know is my history of bras, and why I'm glad they're here. To wit:
c. 1991: Left breast buds, training bra purchased
c. 1992: Right breast buds, training bra justified!
1993-2011 The long march from AA cup to sort-of-B cup. Lopsided, but mostly okay.
2011-2013 Upgrade to C cup but then cruelly sucked dry (still lopsided)
BT-dubs, I don't mean "lopsided" like my breasts are two different cup sizes or anything. I just mean ol' Leftie has always had a leg up on Rightie, ever since 1991, and by "leg up" I actually mean "nipple down." Because me without a bra looks like Shannen Doherty's face from the nose to the forehead:
Here is an artistic rendering:
(Incidentally if you separate out the nipples and their connecting line, you get my approximate face when I see my free-boobing self in the mirror...)
So, please ladies, let's all try to collectively ignore this new science, okay? Just let our eyes droop away from the headlines, like someone's hypothetical non-dominant-hand-side aureole. Some of you might have perfect boobs, but think of those poor wretches like me who turn to bras not for sexy style and comfort, but for justice. Don't all nipples deserve to be viewed equally, at least in the eyes of a bubble level? Also, how are we ever expected to go running? Not that I run, but just in case. Right?
You know me, always thinking ahead.