Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Come on, Bra

So this weekend my Facebook feed was filled with links to some study that says bras are bad for boobs. And I don't know about you, but I do not like where this is going, trend-wise.

Look. I don't know jack about the history of bras. I don't know why they were invented. Maybe they ARE oppressive and DO cause sagginess. (I mean, probably; if I could ride in a stroller all day I bet my legs would just atrophy into two delicious string cheeses.) All I need to know is my history of bras, and why I'm glad they're here. To wit:

c. 1991: Left breast buds, training bra purchased
c. 1992: Right breast buds, training bra justified!
1993-2011 The long march from AA cup to sort-of-B cup. Lopsided, but mostly okay.
2011-2013 Upgrade to C cup but then cruelly sucked dry (still lopsided)

BT-dubs, I don't mean "lopsided" like my breasts are two different cup sizes or anything. I just mean ol' Leftie has always had a leg up on Rightie, ever since 1991, and by "leg up" I actually mean "nipple down." Because me without a bra looks like Shannen Doherty's face from the nose to the forehead:

Here is an artistic rendering:

(Incidentally if you separate out the nipples and their connecting line, you get my approximate face when I see my free-boobing self in the mirror...)

So, please ladies, let's all try to collectively ignore this new science, okay? Just let our eyes droop away from the headlines, like someone's hypothetical non-dominant-hand-side aureole. Some of you might have perfect boobs, but think of those poor wretches like me who turn to bras not for sexy style and comfort, but for justice. Don't all nipples deserve to be viewed equally, at least in the eyes of a bubble level? Also, how are we ever expected to go running? Not that I run, but just in case. Right?

You know me, always thinking ahead.


  1. Bras are bad for boobs? But my boobies are 34DD. I need some support yo.

  2. I see a little bit of a trend in the pics of celebs who go braless on that link... tiny tiny boobs. And running without a bra? Are they nuts? I could kill someone if I did that. 36DD here and while I'd love to go without, it is not realistic. But don't worry, they threw in a disclaimer "test group might not be representative of the full population." uh, ya think?

  3. As a result of mine own boobs being cruelly sucked dry, each of my nipples points outward to the side of the body on which it is situated. Womp Womp.

  4. I don't want to talk about it...

  5. You are as hilarious as ever!
    The whole bra thing is one more reason that I'm SO VERY happy to be a male.

  6. hahahahahaha not like i run, but...

  7. why can't they just dedicate more time to making bras that fit actual women?!

  8. Amen sista! I'm still waiting to justify my training bra purchase and I'm 38! AA is my friend- the coffee, doughnuts and introductions one. ;)

  9. Hahaha! I used to watch Charmed all the time and could not stop noticing her lopsided face. Although I'm sure your boobs pull it off better than her face can.

  10. Dear bra,
    Forever yours,

  11. Hehehe! My husband saw some study that said that it didn't matter if you wore a bra or not, and was trying to convince me not to wear them to sleep in anymore. I'm trying to figure out how scientists think that gravity doesn't pull your boobs down, it pulls everything else....


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