Friday, May 3, 2013

An Open Letter To My Boss, Re: Benefits Package

Dear Sam,

I am sick. Perhaps you noticed that during this morning's episode of Yo Gabba Gabba I was gagging more than usual, and not just because of Brobee's freakishly long arms and Toodee's inability to stay on key.

Anyway, I want to talk to you about your sick day policy. It's... lacking. I might even call it "archaic." You might be surprised to learn that even in today's struggling and increasingly competitive job market, it's standard to give at least five sick days per calendar year. Traditionally these days are spent in bed (ahem... by oneself) watching marathons of, I don't know, say, The Mindy Project and eating pudding cups. The Employer is not invited, and it is considered rude to drop peach yogurt onto the sick Employee's newly laundered jeans. It's also not common for the Employee to take the Employer to the zoo for the duration of the illness. Instead, the Employee generally sends the Employer emails assuring him or her that he or she is still checking his or her work email.

While we're on the subject we might as well discuss vacation time. While I do appreciate the 30-minute blocks you allow me on a daily basis to clean and feed myself while you fall unconscious, I have long felt that these can not fairly be counted towards "vacation." Let's call them what they are: NAPS. And drinking frozen margaritas during "naps" is generally frowned upon by "child protective services." So you've got me there.

Finally, let's discuss the ever-elusive personal day. Sometimes, the Employee needs to lie in bed with his or her eyes closed and sigh heavily for thirty minutes before s/he can summon the will to put on pants. We strongly feel that the Employer should be more tolerant of this behavior, especially seeing as his overhead is so low.

(That's right, WE. I formed a union! Daddy's in on it, too!)

On a positive note, we find the hugs, kisses, high fives, giggles, and general delightfulness to be more than sufficient compensation, and we really do appreciate the "401(k)" of Cheerios you've been collecting in the salad spinner.



  1. This is the sweetest thing I've read all day :)

  2. Hope you're feeling better. My doctor once asked me if I needed a note for my employer after a sick visit...I was a stay at home mother, but took that note anyway. (p.s. it did no good as I am sure you guessed)

  3. Ugh. I had strep this week and 3 weeks ago, my husband and I had the stomach flu. We had to call in reinforcements when Daddy tried to put him to bed still wearing his bib. Get better!

  4. Sadly, I have low expectations. I just want the same benefits the other employees in this place get. Translation: When I'm sick, I want to lay in bed and "not be bothered" just like my husband. I'd give anything for a solid stomach flu every now and then.

  5. Too cute (yet overwhelmingly true!).


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...