Thursday, March 21, 2013

Shitty BlackBerry Photos: In Memoriam

Soooooo, my last post went a little bit viral. Look, I'm not kidding myself, it wasn't on a par with the "Forever" wedding dance or even most mediocre YouTube cat videos, but for me it was a big deal. Friends of friends were posting links to it on Facebook that I saw in my feed, so I finally understand what Bruno Kirby was feeling in When Harry Met Sally when Carrie Fisher quoted him back to himself. And it was pretty sweet.

But now I have some new readers (Hello, friends! Stay awhile. Sit a spell. Pour yourself a mug of wine and get me up to speed on The Rachel Zoe Project), and so the pressure is on. I've gotten used to you stalwarts putting up with my once-a-week posts and general lack of shit-giving, and now I have to impress people who don't really know me yet, and who might not find it endearing that I sometimes wear bikini bottoms as underpants. I mean, metaphorically.

Another thing that happened this weekend, on the very same day that my perfect parenting post went up on HuffPo, was that my BlackBerry Curve, after years of acute dementia and intermittent comas, finally passed on. (I am now the proud owner of an iPhone that I immediately festooned with a Pee Wee Herman case and then promptly dropped.)

Anyway. Since I know this post is bound to disappoint, and to honor my fallen phone, I'm making this the second and final installment of my Shitty BlackBerry Photo series. Worst case scenario, you all stop reading (but joke's on you, I have Yahtzee on my iPhone, which will keep me plenty busy); best case scenario, I ride my 15 minutes and donate a few of these babies to the Met's permanent collection:

1. "Tiny Liza Minnelli Goes Street Camping"

"Hold my calls."
2. "Angsty Self-Portrait That Made Me Realize My Nose Looks Like a Penis From Low Angles"

3. "Pancake I Made That REALLY Looks Like a Penis, Which I Swear Started Out as Something Benign, I Just Can't Remember What"

Either way I think it needs some medical attention. I'm no doctor but that looks like elephantiasis of the testes to me.
4. "Everything I Ever Needed to Know About Bondage I Learned in Kindergarten"

No one thought this title was a bad idea?
5. "A Seinfeld Joke, Coors? Really? That is a Deep Cut, Dudes."

It makes me happy, though, to think about a bunch of Coors can-swilling barflies waxing nostalgic about Elaine's terrible dancing.
6. "The Unmitigated Joy of the Extra-Large Target Shopping Cart"

No expensive museum membership or toy has ever made him this happy.
Goodbye, BlackBerry. Your camera was the worst and you gave my thumbs something called "washerwoman's sprain," but otherwise you served me well.

And hello, new friends. I'm not always this lazy. Just mostly. Get excited.


  1. Anonymous9:16 AM

    Love it! It took some getting used to when I switched from a BB to an iPhone, but now I can't believe I refused to switchover for so long! You're too funny, I can't wait to read more.

  2. Anonymous10:07 AM

    So true - BB cameras do suck. But just as a proud Canadian should, I will put in a little plug for the new BB Z10 (it's ok if you Americans call it the Zee 10, we don't actually say "zed" much here either anymore). It's very iPhone-ish and has a much better camera than its predecessors. Something to think about if your son decides to use your new iPhone for toilet water table play...

  3. Ah, Una. I don't even remember how I discovered your blog. Seriously. Maybe it was the featured blog on blogger? Idk. All I know is that you're like a celeb to me and you crack my shit up. Thank you.

  4. I just can't give up my buttons! How is that touchscreen working out for you?

  5. Sam looks so grown in the Target picture!! Holy crap!

    (I mean, I do understand that babies grow and all... ugh. I'm going to stop.)

  6. Even if we thought for a second you were getting lazy, the fact that you were making homemade pancakes (phallic or otherwise) negates that possibility!

  7. You're hilarious. And your nose does look like a penis from low angles. Mazel! Glad my friend Nell Reid gave us a link to your blog on her blog. You're really wonderful and when I have a baby (I will be over 40 at that point) you'll be my shlumpy muse and/or guru. Btw, my hamster BwiBweeBwoy had elephantiasis of the testes. We buried him and had a small Jewish funeral in the yard. At my wedding, my sister mentioned in her toast that my husband Ben looks exactly like BwiBweeBwoy minus the enlarged testicles. Good times.

  8. No high expectations here. Sarcasm and reality is all I hope for... and maybe a laugh from the to time.

  9. The best humor is in the lazy and mundane because we can all relate. Nothing unites mothers like a red Target shopping cart!
    Glad I found you and maybe I'm being a little too "silver lining" here but I think you're headed for at least 48 minutes of fame;) More like months and months.

  10. Hi Una, I just discovered your blog and LOVE it and you! Thanks for the laughs.


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