THE REAL REASON NICOLE RICHIE LOVES WEARING BRAIDS
|Don't act coy with me, Nicole. I've seen The Simple Life.|
Hold the motherfucking phone, people.
(No, really, it was from People.)
How can you tease me like that and not finish the fucking story? Especially when I've recently emerged from a hair shame spiral?
Why does this not-currently-famous-for-anything-but-marrying-one-of-the-Madden-twins-I-can't-remember-which-one-anymore-the-one-who-looks-slightly-less-like-Uncle-Fester REALLY enjoy plaiting her hair? The newsflash wording makes it pretty clear this is no ordinary reason like "Keeps hair off of face" or "Eh, just likes braids."
In fact, the answer to this type of shitty, click-baiting headline question always sucks. It makes you feel bad about yourself that you even bothered. Personally, if I'm going to spend my time wasting my life trolling the Internet for mundane little digital farts of celebrity gossip instead of reading or working or making myself a better person, then... well, that's my own sad choice. But I might as well get something out of it, right? Hence, this list. You are welcome!
WHY NICOLE RICHIE REALLY LOVES WEARING BRAIDS
A wish list by Una LaMarche
- She gets a sick sexual pleasure from the exquisite pain of a tightly-pulled scalp.
- It's a private, racist dig at Native Americans. Like blackface, just more subtle... and with smoothing creme!
- They hide a hideous brain surgery scar a la Kimberly from Melrose Place.
- She has a rare knuckle mutation that has prevented her from mastering the bun or the ponytail. Thus, the simple braid is both her only solace--and her lifelong prison!!!
- She is actually Willie Nelson wearing a Scooby Doo mask.
I'm reasonably sure that at least three of these things are true. Just kidding, Nicole Richie lawyers!