Monday, March 4, 2013

Patronizing People, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Nicole Richie's Braids

I was in a cab coming back from the airport on Friday night, watching the thirty second loop of stupid cab "news" on the TV screen because Jeff wasn't there to sigh heavily and turn it off (after traveling alone with a toddler for six days, you take the small victories) when I saw the following breaking news scrolling across the bottom of the screen:

THE REAL REASON NICOLE RICHIE LOVES WEARING BRAIDS

Don't act coy with me, Nicole. I've seen The Simple Life.
[Record screech sound effect]

Hold the motherfucking phone, people.

(No, really, it was from People.) 

How can you tease me like that and not finish the fucking story? Especially when I've recently emerged from a hair shame spiral?

WHY? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

Why does this not-currently-famous-for-anything-but-marrying-one-of-the-Madden-twins-I-can't-remember-which-one-anymore-the-one-who-looks-slightly-less-like-Uncle-Fester REALLY enjoy plaiting her hair? The newsflash wording makes it pretty clear this is no ordinary reason like "Keeps hair off of face" or "Eh, just likes braids."

In fact, the answer to this type of shitty, click-baiting headline question always sucks. It makes you feel bad about yourself that you even bothered. Personally, if I'm going to spend my time wasting my life trolling the Internet for mundane little digital farts of celebrity gossip instead of reading or working or making myself a better person, then... well, that's my own sad choice. But I might as well get something out of it, right? Hence, this list. You are welcome!

WHY NICOLE RICHIE REALLY LOVES WEARING BRAIDS
A wish list by Una LaMarche
  1. She gets a sick sexual pleasure from the exquisite pain of a tightly-pulled scalp.
  2. It's a private, racist dig at Native Americans. Like blackface, just more subtle... and with smoothing creme!
  3. They hide a hideous brain surgery scar a la Kimberly from Melrose Place.
  4. She has a rare knuckle mutation that has prevented her from mastering the bun or the ponytail. Thus, the simple braid is both her only solace--and her lifelong prison!!!
  5. She is actually Willie Nelson wearing a Scooby Doo mask.
I'm reasonably sure that at least three of these things are true. Just kidding, Nicole Richie lawyers!

But probably.

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8 comments :

  1. Now if you can just figure out why she's wearing the too pink lipstick I will be able to sleep! ;) love your rationale!

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  2. You are hilarious! I love this post (and all the others), but this one is so, so funny.

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    Replies
    1. Aw, man. Shucks. THANK YOU!

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  3. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I know, unlike most media out there in the world today, clicking your link never sucks.

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  4. This made me google the original article. It was WAY more lame than any of your hypotheses.

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    Replies
    1. I did, too. I wish I hadn't. I mean, for real, People? Nothin' else you could find going on in the world?

      Delete

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