Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Top of the Heap: An Imagined Conversation With One of My Spam Emails

LinkedIn: Una! CONGRATULATIONS!! You have one of the top 10% most viewed LinkedIn profiles for 2012!!!

Me: OMG. What?! I don't think I even know anyone who actually uses LinkedIn. I'm pretty sure last week I got endorsed by the barista at Starbucks who always gets my name wrong. But this. Changes. Everything. Obviously I am famous. [Break for Carlton dance]

Me: Wait, do you have algorithms that can figure out how many of my profile views were from ex-boyfriends sobbing over fifths of Jim Beam? Or how many were Hollywood assistants quivering in fear that they wouldn't be the first to secure the film rights to my book?

LinkedIn: Um, no. Actually our big news is that we've reached 200 million users! So this is a huge day for both of us.

Me: What's 10% of 200,000,000?

LinkedIn: No, don't do that.

Me: Math, math, math...

LinkedIn: Did we tell you about our new templates?

Me: I know I just move the decimal place, but then I have to move all of the commas, too...

LinkedIn: Not relevant.

Me: OK, done. 10% of 200 million is... 20 million! Incidentally got a 750 on my math SATs. Out of 800. Which is...

LinkedIn: Please don't even try.

Me: ...like a really high percentile.

LinkedIn: Bravo.

Me: But wait. So I'm in the top 20 million profiles viewed in 2012?

LinkedIn: Top 10%, yes. Congratulations. Share this impressive statistic on Facebook!

Me: You think I'm stupid, don't you?

LinkedIn: Um, obviously not, superstar.

Me: [Talk to the hand gesture]

LinkedIn: Really? 1994 called, and it wants its nonverbal retort back.

Me: Yeah, well, Facebook called, and... it says... NOBODY EVEN USES YOU!

LinkedIn: Good one.

Me: Oh, it is on.

[Highly dramatic dance-off, which I win, because LinkedIn has no legs.]

Me: That's what I thought.


  1. Did you know that you can actually see who views your Linked In profile through the site? No, this is not spam! It's true! My husband's ex-boss stalks his profile on a regular basis. It's weird.

    My husband got one of these emails, and he was in the top 5%. He was really excited, so I won't tell him the numbers. He actually does use Linked In, though. All the time. In fact, he was headhunted through the site for his newest job, so it's been good to him.

    That said, he's the only one I know who uses it on a regular basis. I used to have an account, but I deleted it when I couldn't keep up with their junk emails. :-/

  2. I have a LinkedIn account...don't remember the password though. Interesting tidbit to know that you can see who actually stalks you. No one reads my blog anymore, therefore wasting my time finding my password would be stupid.

    Congrats though! I'd say winning that dance-off is a bigger accomplishment than being stalked. Meh...that's just me though. :)

  3. this is one of my favorite posts of yours yet. congrats on being among the few and proud, or the many and unknown. either way, you deserved the dance-off win.

  4. You are brilliantly funny:)

  5. I got a top 5% email.. and was feeling pretty spiffy about that, until I saw a lady on Twitter saying that she got a 1% email... *cue end of my happy dance*

  6. This will form a great creative writing exercise for me later. I will not be as funny as you.


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