LinkedIn: Una! CONGRATULATIONS!! You have one of the top 10% most viewed LinkedIn profiles for 2012!!!
Me: OMG. What?! I don't think I even know anyone who actually uses LinkedIn. I'm pretty sure last week I got endorsed by the barista at Starbucks who always gets my name wrong. But this. Changes. Everything. Obviously I am famous. [Break for Carlton dance]
Me: Wait, do you have algorithms that can figure out how many of my profile views were from ex-boyfriends sobbing over fifths of Jim Beam? Or how many were Hollywood assistants quivering in fear that they wouldn't be the first to secure the film rights to my book?
LinkedIn: Um, no. Actually our big news is that we've reached 200 million users! So this is a huge day for both of us.
Me: What's 10% of 200,000,000?
LinkedIn: No, don't do that.
Me: Math, math, math...
LinkedIn: Did we tell you about our new templates?
Me: I know I just move the decimal place, but then I have to move all of the commas, too...
LinkedIn: Not relevant.
Me: OK, done. 10% of 200 million is... 20 million! Incidentally got a 750 on my math SATs. Out of 800. Which is...
LinkedIn: Please don't even try.
Me: ...like a really high percentile.
Me: But wait. So I'm in the top 20 million profiles viewed in 2012?
LinkedIn: Top 10%, yes. Congratulations. Share this impressive statistic on Facebook!
Me: You think I'm stupid, don't you?
LinkedIn: Um, obviously not, superstar.
Me: [Talk to the hand gesture]
LinkedIn: Really? 1994 called, and it wants its nonverbal retort back.
Me: Yeah, well, Facebook called, and... it says... NOBODY EVEN USES YOU!
LinkedIn: Good one.
Me: Oh, it is on.
[Highly dramatic dance-off, which I win, because LinkedIn has no legs.]
Me: That's what I thought.