Wednesday, January 16, 2013

2013 Golden Globes Fashion Throwdown, Part II: The Return of J. Peterman

A few years back I gave Helena Bonham Carter the J. Peterman treatment, and damn if I didn't just drink a bowl of wine and get wistful. My apologies in advance to Mr. Peterman and his inimitable sense of verbose whimsy.

It was her night.

The kind of night you only get once in a lifetime, the kind of night that calls for SEQUINS in all capitals, and then TEQUILA suckled out of the bellybutton of a stranger.

She was nervous, but she hid it well, beneath her chainmail. The armor was a metaphor; and her bust line, like a tin foil seatbelt, a simile.

Her posture could have silenced a flock of lambs. The sheepskin lining of her cryogenic chamber actually did.

The Coming Out Dress (No. 3588).

Women's sizes 2 through 18.

Color: Justice.

"A doily is a small table mat," the waiter explained hurriedly for the second time, amid the clatter of silverware being bussed from nearby booths. "They're not meant for wearing." It was almost closing time; he shouldn't have to be doing this, he thought.

The nude woman looked up at him with wet eyes. How had she come to this out-of-the-way diner, the waiter wondered... and how, for that matter, had she managed to eat a lobster tail?

"I don't seem to have a choice," she said, eyeing the ketchup packets.

The waiter sighed. He would help her, he decided. After all, she had promised to introduce him to Ryan Seacrest.

The Path of Lace Resistance Dress (No. 4209).

Women's sizes XXS through XS.

Color: Desperation.

The Countess had never liked paint. So messy, so streaky, so, well, gauche, especially on the nineteen-foot walls of her shabby-chic castle in Finland.

It would have to be wallpaper. But what kind? And how would she know if it was right?

You couldn't really audition wallpaper.

Or could you?

The Inexplicable Bush Dress (No. 2375).

Women's one size fits all, paste not included, sold by the sheet.

Color: Huh.

"Peter," said Wendy, as she stitched the final bit of his shadow back on to his shin, "Do you think I need a breast reduction?"

"I don't know," he laughed. "Either that or your nightgown's two sizes too big!"

Tinkerbell flitted angrily about the room.

"Don't mind her," Peter sighed. "She's just jealous."

"I know," Wendy said. "I know."

The Dust Ruffle Dress (No. 4342).

Women's sizes 0 to 12.

Color: Stankface Photobomb (hahahaha, look behind you, Jessica!)




  1. Brilliant. But what else could I say, with your baby looking over here? lol loved it.

  2. You are the funniest writer EVER. Very few people make me laugh out loud but you're one of them. Stay adorable.

  3. Hi-larious. I can't honestly imagine my life without reading your fantastic witty posts.
    If you can make fashion interesting to an uncultured, dumb male such as I, then you must be magic.
    Sorry for the emotion in this comment by the way.

  4. OMG. These are so much better than any other commentary I've seen, and I've seen a lot 'cuz I love the Golden Globes red carpet. I liked Jodie's and Lucy's dresses but you have given me hilarious new perspectives on them. And funnier reasons for hating Jessica's and JLo's. Rock on, Sassy Curmudgeon.

  5. Anonymous12:10 AM

    I love the phot-obomb on that last picture. The look on the face of the woman in the back is priceless!


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