I'm actually wearing my bunny slippers right now, along with ill-fitting jeggings and a maternity tank top, so let me say up front that writing this particular post is like lobbing boulders underhand from my ramshackle glass house. Still, it's a great joy to be able to take break from my busy pants-avoiding schedule to critique celebrity outfits. So let's get started!
First, I want to get anything nice I have to say out of the way quickly. I think we can all agree that the best way to do this is in poetry form:
At this year's Golden Globes, some stars chose well.
Eschewing droopy boobs/
Like Claire Danes, Kristen Wiig, and Zooey Deschanel--
Or my future BFF Adele.
Others were simply screwed;
I must be rude!
As so many dresses begged the question,
what the fuckwhat the hell?
-Undated bitchy fashion sonnet, William ShakespeareI noticed a few troubling trends this year, trends that went beyond my normal complaints about gowns the color of waterlogged Band-Aids, or the ill-advised placement of enormous ass bows.
Like, if I had to choose a theme for this year's red carpet style choices, it would be "Teen Mother of the Bride."
Exhibit A: The fact that when I first saw Lena Dunham, my first thought was, "Wow, Laurie Metcalf is looking kind of matronly these days."
And look, I LOVE Lena. I think she's gorgeous. And as much as I give props to Jessica McClintock for expanding her mall prom dress line to include funeral drapery, rich mahogany just doesn't look right on anyone but George Hamilton.
Despite my long-standing feud with Anne Hathaway, I will concede that she is beautiful, extremely talented, and seems very smart. But WHY, then, would she age herself several decades in this admittedly elegant but oddly boxy two piece? This is the evening wear equivalent of a tankini and Anne can do way better.
Naomi Watts also went dowdy-chic in a kind of droopy bordeaux (incidentally, the name of my future winery!)...
... while Rosario Dawson went as a Drunk Seahorse Bridesmaid.
Eh, you know what, she can come to my wedding. That bitch looks fun.
Speaking of which, you know who can do Mother of the Bride and not give a fuck?
Glenn Motherfucking Close, that's who. Respect.
The next category I'll call the Scroll Down Surprise. Take a gander at these three lovely ladies:
Why must designers continue to insist on creating these sartorial mullets? No one should have to utter sentences like, "No, I'm not actually wearing a cap sleeve midi-bolero; that's just a trompe l'oeil," or "It's like Fritz Lang's sexy Metropolis robot meets Grimace from McDonaldland." And seriously, WTF is up with Weisz's leg veil? What did her knees do?
To be continued tomorrow...