Well, I'm going to make it easy for you.
Without knowing anything about your loved ones, like a ninja I'm going to find something that will delight everyone on your list... for less than $10 (not including tax or shipping, which doesn't count, especially if you just keep clicking "complete order" while looking away from the screen and sipping your wine). Because--I'm about to lay down some realness, and please note, this is coming from an unabashed materialist--spending more money does not make Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/the winter solstice better. That said, online shopping--even for cheap shit--does. So, onward! Who brought the eggnog?
Your MomYour mom needs another Crabtree & Evelyn soap basket like Kate Middleton needs another telephoto lens pointing at her FUPA.
So here is what you get... this is your mom's secret wish (unless you have two moms, but even then I bet you they want to see this movie anyway, just for the laughs) ... she will act weird when you give it to her, but trust me, you will be the favorite child after you lay this double whammy on her:
|Magic Mike iTunes rental (not HD, we are not Trumps): $3.99|
|Trader Joe's Coastal Syrah, $5 at Trader Joe's (image credit)|
Here is what dads like according to the universe: 1) golf; 2) beer; 3) propane grills; 4) their own humidor (in truth I do not know what this is); 5) golf again. But it turns out not all dads are geriatric frat boys. Who knew? Get him this. It's literally miscellaneous. And genuinely interesting. Plus it looks classy. This all equals a WIN for you.
|$4.49 on Buy.com (plus $4 for shipping = $9)|
If he's older than six, I guarantee your brother likes Louis C.K. If he's younger than six, he's got to learn sometime.
|$9.99 on Amazon|
(Pssst! You could win this for free. Scroll to end of post for details!)
This is a cheap play on words, I know, but check it:
- It is a biological fact that NO HUMAN FEMALE can resist a double feature DVD sale.
- Kathy Najimy! BAM. You did not see that coming.
- At the risk of sounding like Winona Ryder in Reality Bites (kidding; I take pains to sound that way at all times), you guys... Sister Act is a really good movie.
|$9.99 on Amazon|
It's not often that one product manages to wed fine art, dick jokes, and home decor. So snap this up pronto.
|$9.99 at Switchplate Superstore|
It is also not often that one product combines jewelry and Ryan Gosling. This is a goddamn shame.
|$8.25 by CalamityJayneDesigns on easy|
(If you have daughters, sons, or other more specialized relatives, please tell them I got too lazy to pick gifts for them, and just select from the above items.)
And now for some more tricky types--
The Person Who Makes a Lot More Money Than You and Who Can Buy Themselves Pretty Much Anything
I bet they don't have a novelty mustache pillow! (Unless they are Tom Selleck, then you're on your own).
|$10 at LoraliDesigns on etsy|
Ugh, this type of giftee is the worst. You can't be personal but you also can't bribe them with something expensive. I remember when we did a Secret Santa in my second grade class, I gave someone some lame-o books, and I ended up with two huge bags of candy: Whoppers and Starburst. Maybe just go with that, actually. Candy in a paper sack is actually what one of the wise men brought to Jerusalem, I think. The myrrh was just a cover.
|$10 will buy you at least 5 candy bars, even in New York.|
The Mayan Apocalypse Conspiracy TheoristUm. If s/he expects a gift on December 25, they are doing it wrong. Just wave at them while you eat the $8.71 worth of candy you bought for yourself and play R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" ($1.29 on iTunes)
The New Parent Who Still Needs To Feel Cool
The other day, while walking home, I found this on the street:
Yes, that's right. Who gets to listen to "Fat Bottomed Girls" on the glockenspiel? THIS COOL MOM RIGHT HERE.
The Queen one is actually $16 (unless, like me, you like picking through other people's trash), but the company makes a lot of other CDs, some of which (AC/DC; U2) you can score for less than $9 on eBay. You have never heard a harp rock harder in your life, I swear.
I hope this helps to make your holiday fast and easy, as Jesus intended.
OH. And. I'm making a big announcement on the blog next week. There's some news I've been waiting to share for months and now I finally get to! And I would tell you right now if I could (I've already written the blog post with the announcement, that's how excited I am), but I have to wait until I get the go-ahead from some other people. So sit back, relax, and enjoy a viewing of Magic Mike with a
UPDATE!: I found a brand-new Season One Louie DVD/Blu-Ray double disc set under my TV stand. Wrapper in tact and everything.
If you want it, leave me a comment with your favorite under-$10 gift and I'll pick a winner at random by Monday (and will ship to you next week in plenty of time for Xmas--although the plastic wrap is dusty, I'm not gonna lie. When I found it I felt just like those people on Hoarders who find dead cats under mountains of empty Lean Cuisine boxes--only much more joyful).