Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Getting Carded

I don't know why I even bother with Christmas cards, I mean really. [Gulps wine.]

To paraphrase that MasterCard commercial:

40 fairly twee (but really it was the less...est? of 5 million evils that involved lots of candy cane graphics and fonts that might be best described as "Tinsel Ejaculation") holiday cards featuring a single photo of my adorable spawn that I designed on the internet: $80

40 special square envelopes in red because, apparently, plain ol' free white is not festive enough for Christmas Una: $2

40 85-cent (!) stamps because square envelopes require extra (!) postage (!!), which is something I only learned after I already bought the 40 twee, perfectly square holiday cards (!!!!!): $34

Mailing little pockets of goodwill to 40 of my closest family and friends: Priceless No, actually, $116! And that's not counting labor, i.e. all of the time I have to spend looking up people's zip codes.

I know, I know. You're wondering why I would shell out that much cash for actual mail when I could just slap up another Fresh Prince of Bel Air gif and call it a day.

Here's why: My grandma doesn't have email.

So I have to send her a card, because at the risk of sounding ageist, old people are weird about holiday cards. Not sending one is basically like telling them to eat a shit sandwich and die.

I have to send a card to my grandma. Which means that I also have to send a card to every other relative in the small town where my grandma and all of my dad's other relatives live. And they're gossipy Catholics so that's 20 right there.

And then if my dad's family all get cards, I have to send them to my mom's family, too, because otherwise I'm playing favorites (and also, I am someone who thought her Cheerios had feelings, so when it comes to actual humans I am hopeless).

And then I have to print some extras just in case I misspell (I just typed mispell, btw, so this is clearly a problem) someone's last name or accidentally get deodorant on the envelope (I DON'T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENS, IT JUST DOES SOMETIMES), because with exactly 40 envelopes for the freakish atypical square cards that require postage made from gold leaf and foie gras, there is no room for error.

(This also explains why I don't just get a box of blank cards and write heartfelt greetings. Nothing doing. I need that shit pre-printed.)

Oh, and disclaimer to anyone reading this who gets a Christmas card from me this year: It is because I am filled with the joy of the season and wish to spread it to you and yours, not for any of the aforementioned, more selfish and paranoid, reasons. Good tidings unto you, o blessed--

Eh, fuck it.

[More wine.]



  1. I don't do cards.

    You've heard of Green Bay Packers? this house is full of Green Bay Slackers.

    Happy Holidays, wonderful Una.

  2. I love to get Christmas Cards (physical real ones, not an e-mail sort); it's one of the last things people actually put time/energy/money into that's somewhat personal (even if pre-printed). I also love the photo ones as we don't see everyone we'd like to & it's nice to see their littles growing up!

  3. Over the past few years I have resorted to mailing post cards with my family pic on the front. This little bit of ingenious-on-the-cheap says, "I was thinking about you, but I am way too cheap to pay that much for postage". Grandma gets to see my face (and the faces of my spawn) and I get to dodge the guilt bullet. Win-win all around! ;P lol

  4. Just think maybe there are people on your list who have saved and will save every card you have sent.boxed by year in their basements! Or may e those people are just rumors!

  5. I don't get cards that only have pics of the kid(s). Show the whole family!

  6. Hilarious! You've just explained why we send out cards every OTHER year... :)

  7. ah, so many of these thoughts went through my head as i ordered my cards last weekend. so. much. monies! im just happy i dont have to personalize them. looking up addresses = the worst! happy holidays!

  8. Guilt! Keeping Victorian holiday traditions alive! :D

  9. Followed you over from twitter, and now I’m a follower here on your blog. The thought of mailing Christmas cards made me hide under the bed.. just can’t do it, and I am glad you do.

    Merry, merry............cj

  10. You are all getting cards for being so awesome. It's like Oprah's Favorite Things, but far less valuable. YOU get a card, and YOU get a card... EVERYONE GETS A CAAAAAAAAAARD!

  11. Thanks for your lovely comment on Scrapbook.com and on my blog- its always nice to meet new people and check out their blogs too!! Happy New Year and all teh best for 2013!


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