Friday, November 9, 2012

An Open Letter to Racists

Hello, racists*.

*Disclaimer to any Republican readers who did not disown me during my Epic Political Rantfest of '08: I do not assume that you are racist simply because of your party affiliation. This post is directed not at Republicans in general, but at awful fucking racists. 

I know that you're more comfortable communicating via misspelled, hand-lettered sign, but if you're reading this, I'm glad you stumbled upon my blog while searching for "Rush Limbaugh penis" or "Obama is Muslin."

I'm glad you're here even though I'm a lefty Jewess with body hair patterns that suggest my DNA probably doesn't trace back to the Mayflower. Because we need to talk.

Look, I understand that you're upset that President Obama got re-elected. But being extra racist about it will not undo the election results. In fact, maybe since there's a black president in the White House (and please shut up about how it's called the White House for a reason... by that logic, you're not allowed to own a BlackBerry, use a blackboard, play blackjack, or listen to Black Sabbath), you should actually try to be less racist.

Bear with me. The first step is to figure out what kind of racist you are. Tell me which of these sentences best describes you:

1. You Are Really Super Fucking Racist and Don't Even Try To Hide It

Nay, it is, in fact, HENCE WHY you are a racist.
Um, congratulations, I guess, on your honesty? I realize that there is no arguing with someone who doesn't think using the most famous racial slur in history is racist, so instead I'll just say: sucks for you, dude.

It sucks for you because--and I want you to appreciate the sweet irony here, you miserable douchebags--you are now in the minority. By no means do we live in a "post-racial" society, but I'm pretty sure at least 51% of Americans are not awful racists anymore. And if polling has taught us anything, it's that the younger the voter is, the more liberal they are likely to be. So, racists, you may not be willing to change, but the rest of the country is on its way. And with every passing year, society will become less and less tolerant of your relentless hate-spewing. Then someday, you will die, and your gay, biracial grandchildren won't even come to your funeral because they'll be too busy interning for the Jewish-Mexican transgendered lesbian who will by then be president. Boo ya.

2. You're Totally Not Racist, You Just Think Maybe Possibly Obama Really Was Born in Kenya

Pop quiz, hotshot:

Have you ever demanded to see the birth certificate of any other U.S. president?

No. But Obama's father was from Africa. Everyone else is Ameri--

Andrew Jackson's parents were BOTH Irish immigrants, fool. Woodrow Wilson's mother was from England. Herbert Hoover's mother was born in Canada. Don't you think we should look up their shit?

But England, Ireland, and Canada aren't the same as Africa, because--

Hold that thought, racist. Maybe instead of telling the President of the United States that he should go back to Kenya, YOU should go back to the 1820s. They didn't have flush toilets then, but that shouldn't be a problem for you since you're used to dumping all over everything, including other human beings' civil rights.

3. You're Not Racist At All And Believe Obama is American But Still Love That Firecracker Bill O'Reilly/Rush Limbaugh/Donald Trump/Karl Rove/Ann Coulter

Sorry, but the first rule of not being a racist is not consorting with other racists. STEP AWAY FROM THE CRAZY RACISTS.

Okay, now that you know what kind of racist you are, let's begin the healing.

Repeat after me:

I do not like President Obama.

That is my right under the constitution. In America we have freedom of speech, which is usually the excuse I use to say racist shit and get away with it.

But I can dislike the president for his political actions and personal beliefs without being a fucking racist about it.

Skin color has nothing to do with intelligence, judgment, morality, character, the ability to run a country, or the worth of a human life.

If it did, I would be a brilliant billionaire scientist and not someone who makes jokes about slavery on social media sites without even thinking to set them to private, because my frontal lobe is more empty and cobwebbed than Ann Coulter's chest cavity.

Now lock yourself in a room and look at this Obama Zoolander gif for 36 hours while listening to Wham!.... or the sound of your lonely, wracking sobs.

Later, haterz. FOUR MORE YEARS.



  1. Yes! I LOVE this!

  2. Anonymous9:29 AM

    I think you meant I do NOT assume that you're racist simply because you're republican (in your disclaimer)

    1. Anonymous9:30 AM

      and by *conservative, not republican

  3. I'm still waiting for my Facebook friends who promised they were moving to Canada after the election to actually do it.

    1. Rebecca10:54 PM

      we don't want them. trust.

  4. Is the disclaimer a Freudian slip?

    1. No, I am super fair and balanced, much like Fox News. :)

  5. Well said Una - the Tea Party and all the religious divisive bigots can go down the evolutionary ladder back into their cesspit. Well done American people, the whole world is a better place with a caring, decent man at the helm

  6. THIS is one of many reasons I follow you. Pretty much, this.

    You can say what I'm thinking, but when I say it, I can't figure out a way to make people listen.

    Like you have done here.

    *while driving yesterday, I was almost to tears, wondering why people have to hate so much. Makes me so sad. I had a boyfriend in college who stopped going out with me b/c his father said "Stick to your own kind." I couldn't believe it when he said it to me. And the worst part--he listened to his stupid dad.

    Can you imagine?

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. Anonymous12:22 AM

      Obviously he didn't deserve you.

  7. That gif just makes me so happy...

  8. Anonymous11:25 AM

    Thanks. You are my sweetie-pie!

  9. This was cathartic reading for sure. I just read it aloud to pretend that I was saying these things because there is no way that I would be able to make such an intelligent argument against racism in this sort of circumstance on my own.

    I hope someone reads this and realizes what a tool they have been for using such degrading language casually.

  10. You are too old to be my daughter, but if you weren't, I'd claim you as mine. Even though I am blonde, blue-eyed and a little on the round side. PS: my real daughter sent me a text at midnight election night announcing that she was happy we didn't have to move to Canada, even though Toronto IS pretty cool.

  11. So well said!! Love it! There are a lot of shitty people out there and they need to be called on it. Ugh.

  12. This Mormon Democrat says: Best post-2012-election post ever!

  13. I love this! *applauds*

  14. I didn't think it was possible to love you more than I already do, but it is. Well said! I just got pissed and shut down my facebook account because as it turns out, half of my friends are rasist-asshole-douchebags. I wish I would've shared this before I did away with it...

  15. Yesterday I was feeling so insulted by Billy O and his gang, like I had to have been a complete idiot for voting as I did. (Granted I was wondering how soooo many of us could be such idiots), but anyway...this is fabulous! Love it!

  16. Maggie5:18 PM

    Post-Script to #2, right before "Don't you think we should look up their shit?"...MITT ROMNEY'S FATHER WAS BORN IN MEXICO. (Granted, to American parents living in Mexico, but given the ridiculous basis on which these racists make their ignorant claims, that would align quite well, I think)

    Also: I LOVE this.

  17. Oh, Una
    This is so exquisitely done that I am wishing I could hug you this instant and then kiss your feet. (never mind wondering about the acts which turn me on).

    Thank you for expressing so wonderfully what all of we 51% are thinking and feeling.

    Luv you, girl.

  18. hmmmmm,.....should that have been "us 51%"?

  19. thank you for saying what you said and saying it so well. loved every word

  20. I LOVE YOU. <3 for serious. i might even have to share this on my fb/blog/whatevs...even though i don't live in the states. :)

  21. Una, you've done us all proud, and said--straight up--what others just pussyfoot around. Thank you. (And I thank Annie for sharing your blog with me.)

  22. Anonymous12:24 AM

    Why can't I be this intelligible and witty when trying to say *exactly* what you just said?

    I hope you don't mind, but I'm totally stealing your arguments. :-)

  23. I fucking LOVE YOU - and I love this. So glad it is all over so I don't have to read the political bullshit in my feed anymore. So over it. xoxo

  24. Nothing irks me more than people who go around spouting that "Obama is a Muslim" so he shouldn't be president. A. he isn't and B. if he was, that wouldn't disqualify him from being president. People are assholes.

  25. I'm late on this, but this post is pure brilliance. Bright shiny brilliance.

    PS I noticed that this guy's button still says "Follow" and not "Following." You might want to rectify that and not miss his other scintillating dialogue.

  26. Your blog, your opinion and I'll respect that. Let me ask you a simple question though: Is it racist for a white person to be proud of their heritage?

  27. Anonymous12:13 AM

    Laughing my ass off...just catching up tonight on months' worth of reading (can you tell from all the comments or what?) and you are cracking me up, woman!


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