*Disclaimer to any Republican readers who did not disown me during my Epic Political Rantfest of '08: I do not assume that you are racist simply because of your party affiliation. This post is directed not at Republicans in general, but at awful fucking racists.
I know that you're more comfortable communicating via misspelled, hand-lettered sign, but if you're reading this, I'm glad you stumbled upon my blog while searching for "Rush Limbaugh penis" or "Obama is Muslin."
I'm glad you're here even though I'm a lefty Jewess with body hair patterns that suggest my DNA probably doesn't trace back to the Mayflower. Because we need to talk.
Look, I understand that you're upset that President Obama got re-elected. But being extra racist about it will not undo the election results. In fact, maybe since there's a black president in the White House (and please shut up about how it's called the White House for a reason... by that logic, you're not allowed to own a BlackBerry, use a blackboard, play blackjack, or listen to Black Sabbath), you should actually try to be less racist.
Bear with me. The first step is to figure out what kind of racist you are. Tell me which of these sentences best describes you:
1. You Are Really Super Fucking Racist and Don't Even Try To Hide It
|Nay, it is, in fact, HENCE WHY you are a racist.|
It sucks for you because--and I want you to appreciate the sweet irony here, you miserable douchebags--you are now in the minority. By no means do we live in a "post-racial" society, but I'm pretty sure at least 51% of Americans are not awful racists anymore. And if polling has taught us anything, it's that the younger the voter is, the more liberal they are likely to be. So, racists, you may not be willing to change, but the rest of the country is on its way. And with every passing year, society will become less and less tolerant of your relentless hate-spewing. Then someday, you will die, and your gay, biracial grandchildren won't even come to your funeral because they'll be too busy interning for the Jewish-Mexican transgendered lesbian who will by then be president. Boo ya.
2. You're Totally Not Racist, You Just Think Maybe Possibly Obama Really Was Born in Kenya
Pop quiz, hotshot:
Have you ever demanded to see the birth certificate of any other U.S. president?
No. But Obama's father was from Africa. Everyone else is Ameri--
Andrew Jackson's parents were BOTH Irish immigrants, fool. Woodrow Wilson's mother was from England. Herbert Hoover's mother was born in Canada. Don't you think we should look up their shit?
But England, Ireland, and Canada aren't the same as Africa, because--
Hold that thought, racist. Maybe instead of telling the President of the United States that he should go back to Kenya, YOU should go back to the 1820s. They didn't have flush toilets then, but that shouldn't be a problem for you since you're used to dumping all over everything, including other human beings' civil rights.
3. You're Not Racist At All And Believe Obama is American But Still Love That Firecracker Bill O'Reilly/Rush Limbaugh/Donald Trump/Karl Rove/Ann Coulter
Sorry, but the first rule of not being a racist is not consorting with other racists. STEP AWAY FROM THE CRAZY RACISTS.
Okay, now that you know what kind of racist you are, let's begin the healing.
Repeat after me:
I do not like President Obama.
That is my right under the constitution. In America we have freedom of speech, which is usually the excuse I use to say racist shit and get away with it.
But I can dislike the president for his political actions and personal beliefs without being a fucking racist about it.
Skin color has nothing to do with intelligence, judgment, morality, character, the ability to run a country, or the worth of a human life.
If it did, I would be a brilliant billionaire scientist and not someone who makes jokes about slavery on social media sites without even thinking to set them to private, because my frontal lobe is more empty and cobwebbed than Ann Coulter's chest cavity.
Now lock yourself in a room and look at this Obama Zoolander gif for 36 hours while listening to Wham!.... or the sound of your lonely, wracking sobs.
Later, haterz. FOUR MORE YEARS.