Monday, October 15, 2012

Tooth or Dare

S. has been teething hardcore lately (KILL ME NOW--whose great idea was it to have sharp pieces of bone stab a baby's mouth from the inside?), which has gotten me thinking about my own pearly yellows.

A lot of people are weird (read: responsible) about teeth, but I am not one of them. Like, my best friend Anna from high school has crazy dental hygiene. She never misses a flossing, and even drinks coffee and wine through straws. It's intense. She probably has really fresh breath though, whereas mine in all likelihood smells like Thai food and rich frosted mini donuts that have been soaking in a wine barrel for months unattended.

My theory, which is probably unwise seeing as I currently have no dental insurance, is that teeth can be replaced, so what's the big deal if you ruin them? (My mom is audibly gasping right now, and shaking her head sadly.) I'm kind of kidding, but not completely. I mean, I know you're fucked if you screw up your heart or liver, but teeth are pretty cheap as new body parts go. I speak from experience. In college, for reasons still unknown to me but probably having to do with grain alcohol, ramen noodles, and general vitamin deficiencies, one of my molars basically broke off. Then, for reasons I have repressed but which definitely had to do with laziness and questionable $20 bags of powdery schwag weed, I decided to put off going to the dentist for 8 months, at which point I needed a root canal and a new tooth.

Since then, I haven't had more than the odd cavity--which is really amazing considering my lifestyle--but I'm starting to worry again because I haven't been to the dentist since the September before I got pregnant, which for those of you who are awesome at math is more than TWO YEARS. In my defense, A) I was pregnant, B) I am lazy, and C) My dentist died.


I'd been going to him since I was 8 years old, too, so as far as I'm concerned he was the only dentist in my life. I'm going to compare all other dentists to him, and when I keep picking the wrong dentist, people are going to whisper, "Oh, yeah, Una? She has major dentist issues."Knowing me, when push comes to all of my teeth falling out of my gums, I'll probably just pick a new one based on the name. So good news, Dr. Glasscock, you've got a new patient coming. Probably sometime around 2017. Break out the nitrous.


  1. Laurel11:48 AM

    Very timely post. I am going to the dentist in 10 minutes. Hopefully it's just sympathy teething pain. That's a thing, right?

  2. Look, skip the dentist, drink more wine, and once the teeth fall out, DIY some dentures with Chiclets, a sports mouth guard, and some hot glue. I think I saw that on Pinterest. If not, I should have.

  3. That's okay. I didn't go to the dentist for probably....4 years after I graduated college and was booted off of my mother's insurance (and then worked for a place that didn't offer dental insurance).

    Upon moving to a new town--still without dental insurance--I got a flyer in the mail from a dental associates chain that offered like...$60 dental cleanings/check-ups. YES. So, I went there to do that. I was then told that I had cavities. I had never had a cavity in my entire life. I proceeded to have a panic attack. It's worth mentioning that I'm terrified of needles. Particularly the giant dentist needles they shove into your gums. So, I left and decided to get it taken care of later.

    Several months down the road (I know, I know), I got dental insurance. I selected a nice dentist who....drum roll....told me I had no cavities! Turns out, those cheap-o, shyster dentists I went to make their money off of creating and filling cavities by unnecessarily drilling into your teeth. That is the stuff of nightmares.

    Moral of the story? Don't go to dentists who do mass mailings.

    1. Anonymous12:22 AM

      That is horrifying!!
      Heather S.

  4. Anonymous1:10 PM

    Wow, lots of dental extremes here. Coffee out of a straw? Ridiculous - coffee serves a purpose so glorious that it is worth drinking without being tainted by the taste of plastic - a bit of yellowing is a small price to pay. But, not going for two years? Almost equally as bad - though I will admit I did the same thing once when I moved - and was too lazy to find a new dentist - so I can sort of relate. The first trip back though was a LOOOOONG appointment, so I will not be doing that again! Good luck on your next visit....or on your new pearly white denture set!

  5. I don't go to the dentist because I think they're all a bunch of scamming liars who lie. I mean, I'm just supposed to take their word for it that I have a cavity - something I can't see and causes me no pain? By all means, charge me whatever you have to to do something about it. Psh.

  6. Oh, please. Two years? You're an amateur. Let's talk when you hit five or six years :)

  7. Marissa10:34 AM

    My new dentist is named Dr. Lyngaas. The jokes never get old.

  8. My teeth got worse during pregnancy -- they were never genetically very good to begin with -- and my dentist actually said that the hormones during and after pregnancy can alter the good flora and fauna of your mouth causing decay. It sounded so pretty and woodsy but it resulted in 3 cavities after each baby. The good news is -- you'll know it when you need to go -- pain is a great motivator.

  9. Drinking through a straw affects the collagen and elastin in your lips and makes them pucker and wrinkle faster than if you didn't drink out of a straw. So, your friend will have wrinkly lips around great teeth and you'll be able to hide any teeth problems behind plump lips!

  10. Anonymous12:24 AM

    Go! Go now! Perfectly good teeth can change after pregnancy (found out the hard way)! Find Dr. Glascock and get your butt in there!
    Heather S.
    As usual, as I am catching up, hubby keeps asking me, "WHAT is so funny?"


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