Wednesday, September 12, 2012

5 Ways You Can Tell Chris Brown is A Huge Douchebag From This One Photo



1. He has a neck tattoo that looks a lot like the battered face of his ex-girlfriend, whom he beat. But which his publicist claims is some Mexican Day of the Dead shit that somehow also has to do with MAC cosmetics. OKAY. DUDE. Firstly, don't beat women. Or men. Or children. Or animals. Or anything living. Period, the end. Second, if you HAVE beat up your girlfriend, and the entire world has seen her battered face, but then you apologized and cried while singing "Man in the Mirror" at the BET awards, maybe don't get a tattoo that looks just like her police report photos. And if you still feel compelled, I beg you, get it on your scrotum, okay? Not, I repeat, NOT, your neck. Your smug, unapologetic face is gross enough without a really literal reminder of why we fucking hate you right underneath it. And if you honestly didn't see the red flags before putting that image permanently on your body, and don't understand why people might misread your new ink, then you are a fucking moron. And you need to know that.

2. This is not his first neck tattoo. I don't know what that shit is supposed to be, but it looks like some kind of dog. Or dragon. Something with teeth, anyway. Maybe it's vagina dentata. Bottom line: This shows poor judgment.

3. Salt on top, pepper on the bottom. Spinderella unaccounted for; call 911.

4. Those are some douchey fucking shades. No points, just saying.

5. Gold chain worn underneath tee-shirt. That shit probably cost more money than I made last year. Let it out, Chris. Let it breathe. Or maybe wear a 24-karat gold shirt and a Hanes necklace, if you want to shake things up. Also, since you're into MAC makeup I assume you read women's magazines. Have you ever heard of looking in the mirror (AND I KNOW YOU HAVE BECAUSE OF THE BET AWARDS, CHRIS) before you go out and taking one thing off? I would look into that. And the thing I would choose would be the fucking neck tattoo*.

[Drops mic.]

*The one on your right side, and even just the fact that I have to include this footnote should give you serious pause about your life choices. See also #2 above.
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14 comments :

  1. Will you please marry me so we can spend our years tearing apart pictures of this douchebag?

    No? I make a mean pork rost, you know. Just sayin'.

    You're sure? Okay, well, we still have the internets.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Schady Lady11:38 AM

    Preach!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Vagina dentata..?
    Uncanny; you are the only soul on earth who can come up with such a comparison.
    You are certainly back babe.
    Vags off to you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I love that you know what vagina dentata is. That's my favorite part of this post! Although the rest is quite amazing, as well.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous4:16 PM

    Whew. I feel better! You got your blog on today Miss Una!

    ReplyDelete
  6. "But he can dance, so all is forgiven."

    -Adam Carolla on why the public still embraces Chris Brown.

    Brilliant, sad, and true.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I think I just peed my pants..in public...at Starbucks...while reading this!!! YOU WIN!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. fucking chris brown. i can't stand him. and i'm usually one of those people that say 'he paid his debt to society, let him live his life'. maybe i could if his life didn't involve GIRLS saying things like 'i'd let chris brown beat me'.

    fuck him. and his dumb ass neck tattoos.

    ReplyDelete
  9. as my boyfriend likes to say: to the ladies that love chris brown, and say that you would 'let' him beat you...you don't get to choose if he beats you, he just DOES. which is why you + he + everyone else who helps him stay afloat somehow are giant IDIOTS who probably deserve anything bad that comes your way. (which is, to clarify, STILL NOT A BEATING. ugh.)

    rage at stupidity and violence aside, this is freaking awesome una!! i'm probably going to have to redirect some of my (feeble) fb traffic here. you are the best at potent celebrity dissection. <3

    ReplyDelete
  10. I believe those were my exact first words when I saw Chris Brown come out on the stage at the VMAs. WHAT a douchebag!!! Followed by a close, "this guy is totally TTH (Trying Too Hard). . ."

    And I didn't even notice the new neck tat.

    Even the 13 year old said, "Dude canNOT pull off the blonde hair..."

    Thanks for the laughs - the dentata comment made a tiny but of pee come out. No lie. Hilarious!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous9:22 PM

    You got 4,000 douchebags reading this shit?
    That includes SA- LA- Nice- Yemen?
    Geologie?
    Time to reflect more than just Luky Lass Mines - Sessecte with Obcte.
    Because Famak hit Dost at Mmilayst.
    And now Slyst took MD V by Deworph.
    No more time to Playdota.
    Just ask Gore or The Rocce.
    Talk to Pmpor 48.
    She took out Root- Nye- Cho.
    Tourfac to Wazzafak .
    And any twat knows what that means.
    El Salvador - Sapop.
    ( Eadiitorl Dhlighet ?)
    And that's Cocoladova, baby.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. To quote Anchorman, I'm not even mad; that's amazing. Even though I'm pretty sure you called me a twat.

      Delete
  12. I don't even know who Chris Brown is...but now I hate him. :)

    ReplyDelete

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