Wednesday, September 12, 2012
1. He has a neck tattoo that looks a lot like the battered face of his ex-girlfriend, whom he beat. But which his publicist claims is some Mexican Day of the Dead shit that somehow also has to do with MAC cosmetics. OKAY. DUDE. Firstly, don't beat women. Or men. Or children. Or animals. Or anything living. Period, the end. Second, if you HAVE beat up your girlfriend, and the entire world has seen her battered face, but then you apologized and cried while singing "Man in the Mirror" at the BET awards, maybe don't get a tattoo that looks just like her police report photos. And if you still feel compelled, I beg you, get it on your scrotum, okay? Not, I repeat, NOT, your neck. Your smug, unapologetic face is gross enough without a really literal reminder of why we fucking hate you right underneath it. And if you honestly didn't see the red flags before putting that image permanently on your body, and don't understand why people might misread your new ink, then you are a fucking moron. And you need to know that.
2. This is not his first neck tattoo. I don't know what that shit is supposed to be, but it looks like some kind of dog. Or dragon. Something with teeth, anyway. Maybe it's vagina dentata. Bottom line: This shows poor judgment.
3. Salt on top, pepper on the bottom. Spinderella unaccounted for; call 911.
4. Those are some douchey fucking shades. No points, just saying.
5. Gold chain worn underneath tee-shirt. That shit probably cost more money than I made last year. Let it out, Chris. Let it breathe. Or maybe wear a 24-karat gold shirt and a Hanes necklace, if you want to shake things up. Also, since you're into MAC makeup I assume you read women's magazines. Have you ever heard of looking in the mirror (AND I KNOW YOU HAVE BECAUSE OF THE BET AWARDS, CHRIS) before you go out and taking one thing off? I would look into that. And the thing I would choose would be the fucking neck tattoo*.
*The one on your right side, and even just the fact that I have to include this footnote should give you serious pause about your life choices. See also #2 above.