Wednesday, September 12, 2012

5 Ways You Can Tell Chris Brown is A Huge Douchebag From This One Photo

1. He has a neck tattoo that looks a lot like the battered face of his ex-girlfriend, whom he beat. But which his publicist claims is some Mexican Day of the Dead shit that somehow also has to do with MAC cosmetics. OKAY. DUDE. Firstly, don't beat women. Or men. Or children. Or animals. Or anything living. Period, the end. Second, if you HAVE beat up your girlfriend, and the entire world has seen her battered face, but then you apologized and cried while singing "Man in the Mirror" at the BET awards, maybe don't get a tattoo that looks just like her police report photos. And if you still feel compelled, I beg you, get it on your scrotum, okay? Not, I repeat, NOT, your neck. Your smug, unapologetic face is gross enough without a really literal reminder of why we fucking hate you right underneath it. And if you honestly didn't see the red flags before putting that image permanently on your body, and don't understand why people might misread your new ink, then you are a fucking moron. And you need to know that.

2. This is not his first neck tattoo. I don't know what that shit is supposed to be, but it looks like some kind of dog. Or dragon. Something with teeth, anyway. Maybe it's vagina dentata. Bottom line: This shows poor judgment.

3. Salt on top, pepper on the bottom. Spinderella unaccounted for; call 911.

4. Those are some douchey fucking shades. No points, just saying.

5. Gold chain worn underneath tee-shirt. That shit probably cost more money than I made last year. Let it out, Chris. Let it breathe. Or maybe wear a 24-karat gold shirt and a Hanes necklace, if you want to shake things up. Also, since you're into MAC makeup I assume you read women's magazines. Have you ever heard of looking in the mirror (AND I KNOW YOU HAVE BECAUSE OF THE BET AWARDS, CHRIS) before you go out and taking one thing off? I would look into that. And the thing I would choose would be the fucking neck tattoo*.

[Drops mic.]

*The one on your right side, and even just the fact that I have to include this footnote should give you serious pause about your life choices. See also #2 above.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Scenes From a Marriage: It Has to do With Elmo. And Racism. And Drugs. Sigh. I Probably Shouldn't Even Publish This.

Me: I don't think I can read this book anymore.

Jeff: Why?
Me: I feel kind of... racist.
Jeff: What?
Me: My Elmo voice. I don't know, it's not on purpose, but I feel like I sound like Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's.
Jeff: How would you even be racist to a Muppet? [pause] Hand-warmer!... Glove!... You fucking mitten!

P.S. Jeff takes young children's school portraits, so he does a great Elmo voice. It is not racist at all. But his favorite thing to say (to me, not the kids) is "Elmo loves PILLS!"

Friday, September 7, 2012

Notes to My Future Children: THE MOVIE

So... remember back in May when I performed in Listen to Your Mother?

And you guys were all, video or it never happened? (Okay, no one said that.)


I realize in retrospect that I probably should have cast Alison Brie or Shannen Doherty in the title role, and also that I maybe should have washed my hair. But overall, I'm happy with my live-reading debut. I hope you'll watch and share it around the various Internets, and maybe even play a drinking game to it (to get housed, do a shot every time I passionately flare my nostrils).

Have a great weekend!

P.S. To see the Notes to My Future Children that inspired this monologue, go here, here, and here.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Conditioner Was In)

I bet that's the first blog post to pun on a Mickey Newbury song in months! Anyway, as the title and the disclaimer above suggest, this is a post about Dove conditioner. So, Joey Lawrence, there is nothing here for you. But you (not just Joey Lawrence; all of you) could win a $1,000 Spafinder gift certificate, so there's that. Woah, right? (Okay, that was mostly directed at Joey again. He loves a good Blossom reference.)

I have a whole mess of posts tagged to "hair woes," so you all know that my battle to make my coif look less like a Muppet's is ongoing. And believe me, it is a battle. According to a woman I once paid a large sum of money to cut my locks, curly hair requires special care and delicate attention, much like a giant panda, or Kelly Bensimon. Here are the steps I am supposed to follow:
  1. Get in shower and give the side-eye to any and all shampoo bottles. SHAMPOO IS NOT MY FRIEND.
  2. Apply conditioner by gently cupping and squeezing it onto individual sections of hair, avoiding the scalp.
  3. Get out of shower sopping wet and proceed to hand-wring my hair with an old t-shirt. Do not even LOOK at a towel for fear of unsightly frizz.
Needless to say, I do not do any of this. If I manage to fit in a shower and remember to wash my hair while I'm busy just standing there enjoying the sensation of having no one trying to grab my boobs, I just use whatever I can reach without too much effort: shampoo, body wash, malt liquor, honey badger don't care. And when I step out of the shower into the three inches or so of water I've managed to spill on the bathroom floor because the shower curtain doesn't close all the way, you'd better believe I'm going for a towel. Or, more accurately, TWO towels, one for my bod and another one to wrap turban-style around my hair so I can pretend I'm Norma Desmond, or Punjab from Annie.

Which is all a long way of saying, my hair doesn't usually look that good.

So I was more than pleased to receive a bottle of Dove Daily Moisture conditioner in the mail. Just having conditioner in the shower makes it that much more likely that I will use it and look instantly more presentable.

I'm not being paid to say this, but I am a big fan of Dove products, largely thanks to their Campaign for Real Beauty. And this conditioner did not disappoint.

First of all, it opens from the bottom. I know this seems like an insignificant detail, but dudes. Can all bath product companies just get on this? I can't be the only one who confronts a frightening Jenga-like stack of precariously balanced upside down shampoo bottles that rain down on me like cartoon anvils as soon as I reach for the soap.

So, yes, the Dove conditioner had me at its bottom opening (I KNOW HOW IT SOUNDS, SHUT UP). But it also smells good, pleasantly but unidentifiable floral, with a hint of soapy sharpness to keep it from being sickly sweet. It's not too heavy and leaves hair feeling incredibly silky upon rinsing, especially if you leave it on for three minutes while you half-assedly shave your legs with your husband's razor (again, I can't be the only one).

And, the ultimate test... drumroll please... it left my hair looking lovely and frizz-free even though I still used a towel.


Baby and top hat not furnished by Dove.
So I can happily recommend Dove Daily Moisture conditioner, especially for all of you curly girls.

Okay, here's the fun part where you get to win stuff.

Which celebrity's hair do you most covet? (You can't say Phil Spector; he's MINE.)

IMPORTANT NOTE: Leaving a comment on this post is NOT an entry in the Spafinder sweepstakes. Follow the link below--after a), where it says "follow this link"--or enter using one of the other methods outlined in the rules below. Good luck! And good hair!


Enter to win a $1,000 Spafinder gift certificate!



You may receive (2) total entries by selecting from the following entry methods:

a) Follow this link, and provide your email address and your response to the Promotion prompt

b) Tweet (public message) about this promotion; including exactly the following unique term in your tweet message: "#SweepstakesEntry"; and then visit this link to provide your email address and the URL to that Tweet.

c) Blog about this promotion, including a disclosure that you are receiving a sweepstakes entry in exchange for writing the blog post, and then visit this link to provide your email address and the URL to that post.

This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older. Winners will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail. Winners will have 72 hours to claim the prize, or an alternative winner will be selected.

The Official Rules are available here.

This sweepstakes runs from 9/4/2012 - 9/30/2012

Be sure to visit Dove® to get a coupon for $1.50 off Dove Hair Therapy products.
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