Friday, August 17, 2012

Desperately Seeking Fake Latina Carrie Bradshaw

I'm back!

I know. I left you for a long time. Not that you're not used to that by now, since I do it every, oh, six days or so. But still. I feel abandon-y. Like the other day I was doing a Google search for "fake Latina Carrie Bradshaw" (don't ask*) and I thought, I could be blogging right now. But then the images loaded and my corneas burned away.

*Actually, this was in service of a blog post I haven't yet fully realized, in which I reveal that, as a 30-something, I now find Carrie unbearably obnoxious. Whereas when I was 23, I told anyone who would listen that I was totally a Carrie. Now I watch SATC and I'm like, wow... um, was it really okay to be a racist** with no pants on in the early aughts? Because somehow I missed that whole trend.

**If you were, HYPOTHETICALLY, to re-watch the entire series***, you, too, would notice that Carrie "pretends" to be a ghetto Latina/black girl WAY more often than is ever, ever recommended for a white girl who wears big vagina flowers and speaks only in puns.

***I'm still nursing, and its the only time I get to watch TV, so this is excused. Hypothetically.

Other things I've been up to aside from Google searches of shame:
  • Writing stuff. I swear. Just not here. Mostly here, and here. Also the big project I keep teasing you about. It's super secret and causes me to look at all times like Cathy from the Cathy comic (duh) when she sweats profusely while wearing a head scarf and screaming "ACK!!!", and NO, it is not a video of me finally nailing the Single Ladies choreography. I wish.
  • Competing in the Amateur Hurdles that are our new baby gates. Basically Jeff and I just re-enact those scenes from Funny Farm with Chevy Chase biting it over the Dutch door, over and over again. 
  • Drinking my special juice (wine), and wishing I had cable so I could watch Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo. (Don't judge me, ACK!!! I'm stressed out!!!!)

  • Experiencing Baby's First Beach Vacation, also known as Baby Eats Much More Sand Than Is Probably Medically Sound, later known as Baby Poops Sand and Cries. P.S. here is how big he is now: (<--Yeah, I read that sentence too and was like, hmmm... no. But then again, eh.)

(That's not an abnormally large baby, I'm just that short in real life. Also I still exclusively wear my maternity tops, so all of my shirts reach past my butt. I basically don't even require pants anymore. Sigh. I am such a Carrie. Why do I lie to myself?)

Oh, ALSO. I want to warn you that next week I'm going to be posting a review of conditioner. Which is kind of random, but hey, I need the money. Also, there is the fact of my hair and how it naturally looks like Fran Lebowitz caught in a wind tunnel. So don't hate. I'm just waiting on my Flowbee.



  1. Your google history sounds as random as mine. What if, one day, the google histories of all bloggers became public?!

  2. From a girl who owns all the season, yup, Carrie was super obnoxious. Your baby is a doll.

  3. that cathy reference made me die of laughter! dang. i feel like a lot of the people i knew in life ever looked like that in the 90s (and they were what, 11? 12?)...way to bring back the retro looks! heh.

  4. I'm actually looking forward to the conditioner review since I dyed my hair one too many times. I finally crossed the threshold into the "brillo pad that loses half its volume every time it gets wet" look.

    The SATC movies almost ruined the whole series for me. As ridiulous as the women were during the series, they were that x10 in those pieces of crap.

  5. wow he's gotten so big. I'll have to watch an episode of SATC again to see.

  6. Anonymous10:55 AM

    So glad someone else has called Carrie on the fakey latino act every other ep. It was one of the mainstays of her annoying coquette-ish repertoire. Even more ire-inspiring to me was the extended tongue move. Whenever she couldn't help but wonder, she'd poke out her tongue and rest the tip on the top lip, while tilting her head to the side like a cocker spaniel... I couldn't help but wonder how many of my neighbours could hear me screaming at the tv to put your lascivious tongue back in your mouth, because you're not making a porno.

  7. I hope that my google searches are never made public.

  8. Oh, please dear god no: there would something about penguins that would pop up.

    Good morning, my sweet little pixie: thanks for the explanation on the's like you could hear my eyes pop out of my head, tiny one.

  9. Anonymous4:46 PM

    Welcome back Unacita! Was just watching Carriecita and the gang the other day...SATC is becoming dated. Miranda was bitching about having to live in Brooklyn!! Ha! And yes, Carrie has gotten annoying as time marches on...whining with each breath. So, those danged Google name leads to another name and, well, found out last night that my friend's son is a porn star! Wha??? So, always keep your little cutie pie on a short leash, my dear! And he is way cute...and looks like he's lovin' life. Happy reading/writing!

  10. I was still trying to figure out just how much that newspaper paid Carrie that she could afford all of those shoes and drinks!

    Sweet baby!!!!!

    Good luck with the conditioner!

  11. I always saw you as the African-American one.

    oh wait...

  12. How old is he now? More baby news!

  13. So I'm sitting here re-watching SATC for the first time in years, and I just finished season 3, with the ghetto Carrie in no-pants. Seriously. And now I'm reading your blogpost... YOU ARE IN MY HEAD.
    I've had/am having a similar disillusionment with SATC and just how two-dimensional all the women are portrayed. No wonder I could never decide "who" I was...


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