Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Illest Rap Commercials of the Early 90s

So I have this problem. I remember the lyrics to basically any song ever written, but I sometimes get locked out of my checking account for misremembering my ATM PIN three times in a row. Presumably because the words to "Top That" from Teen Witch are taking up too much space.

Case in point: Last week, shortly after having forgotten a close friend's birthday, I was changing S.'s diaper when I started rapping about a facial cleansing product not seen on drugstore shelves since 1994. "We got do's, we got don'ts," I told S. "Things we'll use, things we won't. To wash this face it's widely known, use Oxy's new Residon't."

I then became obsessed with finding that commercial on YouTube. And along the way I found many more hilariously ill-conceived rap ads (some of which also appear in this post from Laser Time, which I unabashedly aspire to imitate) that would make Don Draper doff his scrunch socks and gold medallions and leap from his window at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce just like in the credits.

Rappin' Rockin' Barbie
As far as word association goes, when I say "Barbie," you probably don't say "street!" or "video ho!" But yo, she is both. And I would be lying to myself and to you if I said I did not still sweat the middle girl's hat, weird cross-boob suspenders, and sweet dance moves.


Illest lyricsThis Barbie's cool from her head to her toes/'Cause she's got the most happening' clothes!


Fruity Pebbles
When cartoon cavemen start spitting rhymes about a self-described "fruity" breakfast cereal, something in the zeitgeist has gone horribly--but also kind of awesomely--awry.

   

Illest lyrics: I'm the master rapper and I'm here to say/I love Fruity Pebbles in a major way

Pringles
Oh, dudes. This one is the best, and by best I meant worst. Like awful, please-Mayans-end-it-now worst, but not before I eat some Pringles, because yo, those pop cans are dope. P.S. I heard the David Arquette-Gerardo love child homey just called Kanye West and asked for his glasses back. OH SNAP.


Illest lyrics: Chips in bags got busted pieces/Brings you down with all their greases


McDonald's/Chicken McNuggets
I know I should be asking myself, Is this racist? But instead, I am asking, Why do Chicken Nuggets all have crossed eyes? And also, how do they put shirts on if they have no arms?

  

 Illest lyrics: We like this rap/It really rocks/But we'd rather jump/In the barbecue sauce! 


Reynold's Wrap
This is genius. I mean, WRAP. RAP. UMA. OPRAH. It's what we call a "no-brainer." (Which is more than I can say for these lyrics, which clearly took someone at least 3 minutes to write.)



Illest lyrics: Takes the cold/Takes the heat/From casseroles/To dinner meat

Pepsi
This one doesn't have any original rapping, but it is awesome and I totally remember watching this on real TV.

  
Illest lyrics: N/A. But the "Proper!" at the end is pretty sweet.

Side note: Um. He also did spots for Taco Bell and KFC. You will not be sorry if you watch them. Especially when he literally parachutes to Taco Bell with his gold Hammer pants. 

Oxy Residon't (fast-forward to 7:38)

Thanks to some Facebook crowdsourcing, I finally found my holy acne rap grail. It's buried in this amazing time capsule of a YouTube video. I highly recommend cracking a Zima and watching the whole thing.

Anyway, Residon't, I think we can agree, is basically the worst name for a consumer product of all time. But damn if this commercial didn't win me over with its lip-synching crimp-haired girls in Blossom hats and its Ryder Strong lookalike leading man, all floppy bangs and bedroom eyes. No zits, though. Because those shits got OXYCUTED. Truth.


Illest lyrics: Residue is a don't/That soapy goo/That oily film/That stuff's taboo


Kris Kross for Sprite (eternal gratitude to Mandy for remembering this one)

What's better than a refreshing lemon-lime carbonated beverage? Two tween rappers wearing their own branded sweatshirts and dancing on what looks like a construction site at a house party and making the tag line "I like the Sprite in you" sound like a phrase that requires a fist bump.




Illest lyrics: Understand the Kross Kris/Drinks the crazy, crazy twist of unexpectedness/That you should never miss


Polly-O String Cheese (RECREATION)

Okay, so once upon a time there was a Polly-O String Cheese commercial with a rapping parrot. You will have to take my word for this, as I could not find it on YouTube, no matter what embarrassing word searches I tried. So I decided to perform it for you, because it needs to be heard.

Picture me in a gold chain and backwards baseball cap. Also, I'm a parrot. And I am really passionate about individually packaged cheese phalluses. Ready? Okay:

video

Illest lyrics: SO MANY. But if forced to choose: 
 In the dairy section there's a snack that's chillin/For all us homeboys to taste what's illin'


Aaaaaaand I think we're done here.

That's a rap, folks.

(Now picture me in metallic parachute pants being dragged off a stage by an old-timey cane.)

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21 comments :

  1. Okay, I'm going to have dreams about Barbie's head side-cockin'

    W-O-R-D UP.

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  2. Ann totally made my morning by posting this on FB. On behalf of my generation, I am ashamed ;)

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  3. "are you kidding? i'd be so embarrassed. look at how funky he is!!" ohman. teen witch rap is the best.

    also, i kinda want chicken nuggets now. and pebbles...

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  4. Here's what I remember:

    Hello I'm Young MC with a story to tell
    I just got a free cup from Taco Bell
    And MTV makes the whole thing fun
    buy a giant size pepsi and you'll get one
    Four cups in all, so don't stand still
    and if you have an empty cup you get a free refill
    Go to Taco Bell and you'll see it's true
    They got these four cups they're just for you!!

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  5. Anonymous1:23 PM

    If you listen to the phrasing and the way the words are pronounced, I would SWEAR the voice doing the "wrapping" on the Reynolds' Wrap one is Queen Latifah!

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  6. So. Many. Memories.

    If it makes you feel any better, I remembered all the words to the Fruity Pebbles commercial. Oh, and I want that hat too. You are an excellent rapper, my friend.

    Now I'm all nostalgic and teary-eyed. WHY ISN'T BLOSSOM ON RE-RUNS SOMEWHERE????

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  7. I don't remember too many of these commercials, but I definitely had that Tiger Quiz Wiz game and thanks to my nostalgic, back rat heart, I still have it.

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  8. I HAVE THAT BARBIE DOLL. I found it (and the radio, which, remarkably, had batteries that still worked) when I cleaned out all of my childhood belongings.

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  9. You really ARE spectacular at remembering random lyrics!

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  10. i don't really give-uh (shoulder hunch!) about trying to stop that. top that!

    though admittedly, my favorite song/scene/rap is from the most popular girl bit.

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  11. OHMYGOD I MISS THE 90s SO BADDD!!! This is amazing. And crazy that I remember most of these commercials, seeing as how I was only 4-5 years old when majority of these aired. TV junkie for life!

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  12. Just watched this with my baby, who's 10 and HE WAS DYING.

    you are one in a million.

    xo

    Did you know I save all your emails to me? Yup. They're in my love language.

    xo

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  13. love love this. I loved Kris Kross back in the day. Kris Kross'll make ya jump jump!

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  14. HaHA! I am dying--thanks for the blast from the past. Am now making it my goal to dress like Rappin' Rockin' Barbie.

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  15. Well the UK must by shy about rapping because unfortunately we didn't have anywhere near this many rap commercials. Not that I can remember anyway. So I enjoyed these immensely haha. Also, how precise is the actual wrapping in the Reyonlds Wrap advert?! Who uses tin foil like that?!

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  16. It was all a bit painful but watching those young girls stuffing chips in their mouths 10 at a time is shocking. How is it we didn't see the obesity epidemic coming?

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  17. I totally have that Barbie and remember most of those commercials.

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  18. I didn't know you were ghetto, I'm a little ghetto myself...
    The videos were great. Especially the one with you in it!

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  19. I only recently threw out my Kriss Kross tape...just ask my husband.
    And I still have my Quiz Whiz game thingy...{from the zit video}

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  20. Anonymous11:06 PM

    Thanks for posting the Polly O commercial (remake!), my wife thought I was crazy for spurting out the lyrics. I wish someone could post the original, time to bust out the old VHS tapes to find it!

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  21. Anonymous3:18 PM

    I submit this comment in despair. You labor under a dissapointing missaprehension regarding the Pringles commercial lyrics. I have been unable to decipher the words preceeding "bust to [or perhaps busted] pieces, get your hands full of greases" for some 20 years now. Please someone tell me what he is saying. I am at a loss as to how you arrived at your interpretation.

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