Monday, May 21, 2012

I Love You For Condimental Reasons

Lately, I've noticed a troubling trend. Whenever I ask Jeff to fetch or prepare food for me--because I am being used as a human Bowflex by our freakishly strong offspring who also likes to eat my hair--I have to give him orders that make me sound like a disgusting, downmarket version of Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally:

On coffee:

"Put in A LOT of Half & Half, okay? More than you think would anyone would want. Try to achieve a cup of Half & Half with a subtle coffee flavor. And don't skimp on the sugar. Give me four packets, and if they only have the big pour containers, turn it upside-down and count to ten, and make sure no lumps are obstructing the opening."

On sandwiches:

"I want more mayonnaise than the FDA advises a single person to consume at one sitting. Put on an amount that makes you recoil and then add another teaspoon. Also I want the cheese layer to be thicker than the meat layer by a ratio of 2 to 1."

On fries:

"It should look like you're making a Carrie diorama, only the people are fries and the blood is ketchup. I want the splatter to reach all four corners of the container. They should need to call Dexter."

What can I say? I'm passionate about my cuisine.


  1. If you're still BFing, tell yourself that you need the extra calories for milk production. Also, um, Baby needs lots of fat for brain development. When I say Baby, of course, I mean the ACTUAL baby. You are not allowed to call yourself Baby a la "Dirty Dancing" just to get the free fat-pass.

  2. we would eat fabulously together

  3. This, on a day that I needed a good laugh! Thanks Una. I'm gonna go have a tablespoon of mayo now...:)

  4. I love you, Una. We are soulmates. Incidentally,m I have nominated you for the Kreative Blogger award. See my last blog for details.

  5. Not Mayo-MIRACLE WHIP!

  6. I literally laugh at everything you write, it's like you're sitting right here with me, telling me about the MAYO (incidentally ...ME TOO!)

    How I wish you lived next door and could keep me giggling all day. :)

  7. Anonymous1:24 PM

    I think you & I are condiment soulmates!!

  8. So, it's been a while since I've been around here (well,since I've been around the Internet, really- except for FB of course, because you know, you have to do SOMETHING when you have your wake up time in the bathroom every morning, but I digress...)
    Anyway, so I've been filling my slow time at work catching up on things I've missed. I used to hate slow times at work, but they have become my favorite part of the day thanks to you. Oh, and I agree with the Miracle Whip over Mayo comment above. Mayo is pretty gross. In case you cared.

  9. Anonymous3:08 PM

    This is my first visit to your blog and right away I like you.

  10. You sound like my husband. Sometimes I am afraid he will give me exact ounce measurements.

  11. I'm new to your blog as well & I ditto Lori-Ann's comment. This post makes me feel much better about my peculiar cereal eating habits. Kudos!

  12. I'm right there with you on the mayo, but instead of ketchup, I like my fries (and most other things) dipped in ranch.


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