Monday, May 21, 2012

I Love You For Condimental Reasons

Lately, I've noticed a troubling trend. Whenever I ask Jeff to fetch or prepare food for me--because I am being used as a human Bowflex by our freakishly strong offspring who also likes to eat my hair--I have to give him orders that make me sound like a disgusting, downmarket version of Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally:

On coffee:

"Put in A LOT of Half & Half, okay? More than you think would anyone would want. Try to achieve a cup of Half & Half with a subtle coffee flavor. And don't skimp on the sugar. Give me four packets, and if they only have the big pour containers, turn it upside-down and count to ten, and make sure no lumps are obstructing the opening."

On sandwiches:

"I want more mayonnaise than the FDA advises a single person to consume at one sitting. Put on an amount that makes you recoil and then add another teaspoon. Also I want the cheese layer to be thicker than the meat layer by a ratio of 2 to 1."

On fries:

"It should look like you're making a Carrie diorama, only the people are fries and the blood is ketchup. I want the splatter to reach all four corners of the container. They should need to call Dexter."

What can I say? I'm passionate about my cuisine.
Share/Bookmark

12 comments :

  1. If you're still BFing, tell yourself that you need the extra calories for milk production. Also, um, Baby needs lots of fat for brain development. When I say Baby, of course, I mean the ACTUAL baby. You are not allowed to call yourself Baby a la "Dirty Dancing" just to get the free fat-pass.

    ReplyDelete
  2. we would eat fabulously together

    ReplyDelete
  3. This, on a day that I needed a good laugh! Thanks Una. I'm gonna go have a tablespoon of mayo now...:)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I love you, Una. We are soulmates. Incidentally,m I have nominated you for the Kreative Blogger award. See my last blog for details.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Not Mayo-MIRACLE WHIP!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I literally laugh at everything you write, it's like you're sitting right here with me, telling me about the MAYO (incidentally ...ME TOO!)

    How I wish you lived next door and could keep me giggling all day. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I think you & I are condiment soulmates!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. So, it's been a while since I've been around here (well,since I've been around the Internet, really- except for FB of course, because you know, you have to do SOMETHING when you have your wake up time in the bathroom every morning, but I digress...)
    Anyway, so I've been filling my slow time at work catching up on things I've missed. I used to hate slow times at work, but they have become my favorite part of the day thanks to you. Oh, and I agree with the Miracle Whip over Mayo comment above. Mayo is pretty gross. In case you cared.

    ReplyDelete
  9. This is my first visit to your blog and right away I like you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. You sound like my husband. Sometimes I am afraid he will give me exact ounce measurements.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm new to your blog as well & I ditto Lori-Ann's comment. This post makes me feel much better about my peculiar cereal eating habits. Kudos!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm right there with you on the mayo, but instead of ketchup, I like my fries (and most other things) dipped in ranch.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...