Saturday, May 5, 2012

Choose Your Own Infomercial Adventure!

I asked, you answered, and I won $300 for sending traffic over to NickMom!

This is what I've been doing for the past few days (and bless you, YouTube nation, for taking the time to upload a video of this clip repeating and repeating):

So now you need to tell me what crazy infomercial product I should buy with my winnings. Here are the rules:
  1. It must be relatively cheap. Momma may want a bra she can surreptitiously drink out of, but baby also needs diapers. Allegedly. (I'm giving S. the side-eye right now, because I've seen him poop on command, and by "on command" I mean "as soon as I remove his diaper." I thought it would shoot out like silly string, but actually it's kind of like a finicky soft-serve machine that stops and starts. This is what science class looks like in the School of Life.)
  2. It must be at least sort of dumb. If I wanted something practical, I'd get drunk and order a monogrammed whiskey decanter from Pottery Barn, okay?
  3. I must be able to purchase it online. I don't like talking to customer service representatives. And it's worse if they're automated. It is a true story that I once called "Julie" from Amtrak a stupid whore.
Nominate a product in the comments and I'll choose the one that sounds like the most fun to test-drive. I'll blog the experience regardless, but if I pick your recommendation I'll also send you my Shake Weight, because an invisible cardio handjob is a gift that really should keep on giving.

And if you want this to be a monthly thing, please please go click up my links again:

I Wish I Could Be Like: Mrs. Robinson 
Paltrow-Martins Seek Babysitter
Top 9 Reasons Sleep is Overrated
Top 9 Rejected Sitcoms With 'Bitch' in the Title

Me, Jeff, S. and our future Super Bass-O-Matic thank you!


  1. Do pajamajeans count?

    There's my vote. Every new mom needs pajamajeans!

  2. Secret Glo self tanning glove. Nothing could possibly go wrong. Only $19.99!

  3. So these actually aren't that stupid, and I am going to buy them ASAP... but they may be fun to test drive (I'm imagining a new fashion statement with a cropped-just-below-the-boobs top, this, and jeans. HOT.) ;)

  4. I'm thinking you might want a Flowbie. Not sure if that's how it's spelled... it is a vacuum thing with hair cutting device. For sure you want to try that out on someone other than yourself. It should involve a LOT of booze.

  5. The Kush! You know, for your new giant nursing bewbs and such...

  6. Anonymous1:29 AM

    Yeah the Kush looks totally crazy. But the top that's not is very weird and infomercially in that way that makes it seem tempting but in reality totally sucks and isn't even worth the $10.

  7. OK, I have one for you. The "Forever Lazy". What's better than adult footed pajamas? It's $29.99. Buy one, get one free - so this is a potential "scenes from a marriage" post too.

    Best part about the "Forever Lazy"? There's a hatch in the back so you can unzip it and just take a shit without taking off the pj's! If you get it, you need to try this feature.

  8. I vote for the Schticky:

  9. Anonymous8:31 AM


    pajama jeans!

  10. $200 worth of Chia Pets for your favorite people (you gotta give back Una!) a vibrator from the Vermont Country Store and Tootsie Rolls if there is any money left over...

  11. Sauna Pants. (
    Neck Magic Air Cushion (

    The neck thing because you need the relief from slaving over a computer all day! (Okay, mostly because I want to know if it works.)

    And the Sauna Pants because the crotch jokes just write themselves.

    ALTHOUGH, with a BeDazzler on the website, I really don't see why you're even asking this question when you could be BeDazzling your Keds RIGHT NOW.
    BeDazzled onsies? Eh? EH? You're welcome.


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