Sunday, April 8, 2012

Scenes From a Failed Education: Easter Edition

It will surprise approximately none of you that I am not exactly a religious scholar. After all, Jeff once convinced me that there was a Biblical figure named "Asso", and in my elementary school pageants we favored racist songs about Santa's adventures down Mexico way over traditional carols. Also, I once made this:


Still, there is no excuse for the following ignorance. Christians, please don't be offended; my penance will be eternal damnation, okay?

Me: It's a gorgeous day out. Let's take a walk and get some coffee at [name of favorite local bakery].
Jeff: We may have to settle for Dunkin' Donuts. [Favorite local bakery] is probably closed.
Me: What? Closed? For Easter?
Jeff: Um, yeah.
Me: It's not even a REAL holiday.
Jeff: How do you figure?
Me: Well, you know, there's candy. And ham at 2 pm or whatever. But it's not like there are presents to open all morning.
Jeff: Interesting. I would argue that it's actually the most important holiday.
Me: Oh, what, because of Jesus?

I KNOW.

Then, later, I had this conversation with my dad's partner, Lisa:

Me: [Recounts above dialogue.] Hahahaha. My Biblical knowledge is woefully sparse. I should have remembered that it was a really big deal that Jesus rose from the dead, right? Haha.
Lisa: [Laughing gently, the way you do when you are a kind person who doesn't want someone else to feel like a moron.]
Me: But... maybe you can clarify something for me. Because I know Jesus was crucified...
Lisa: Right.
Me: And then rose from the dead...
Lisa: Right, after they buried him in a cave.
Me: ... But what happened after he rose? I mean, was he just like, 'What up, peeps, I'm back!'?
Lisa: No, he just disappeared. He was gone when they went to his grave.
Me: Ohhhhh. [pause] So, kind of like Elvis.

Needless to say, Jeff will be handling our son's religious and historical education. Also, science. I will take some light grade school math and everything required for domination of the pink wedge in Trivial Pursuit.
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8 comments :

  1. yes, the pink wedge!

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  2. I am Queen of the pink wedge. Feel free to call me if he needs extra tutoring.

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  3. Better that you asked tha question...that has now left me here wondering...and I am catholic! Better go eat a chocolate bunny in hopes that the answer comes to me in a jelly bean vision!

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  4. "Needless to say, Jeff will be handling our son's religious and historical education. Also, science. I will take some light grade school math and everything required for domination of the pink wedge in Trivial Pursuit. "

    OMG, laughing my tits off! Thanks for the Easter pick-me-up!

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  5. Anonymous10:09 PM

    well... he did appear to his disciples again before ascending into Heaven. just fyi :)

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  6. Holy shit. Two amazing conversations! Bahahaha! We still love you.

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  7. We had the very same cave conversation at our Passover/Easter (!) brunch!! What happened to Jesus? Thank you Una!! None of us knew, yet we were still celebrating, er, something. For me, it was the cheesy frittata! Anyway, YOU just gave us the answer! You ARE capable of giving your son a religious/historical/hysterical education!

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  8. What... A fucking heathen. And I like it!!! Lol

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