Scenes From a Failed Education: Easter Edition

It will surprise approximately none of you that I am not exactly a religious scholar. After all, Jeff once convinced me that there was a Biblical figure named "Asso", and in my elementary school pageants we favored racist songs about Santa's adventures down Mexico way over traditional carols. Also, I once made this:

Still, there is no excuse for the following ignorance. Christians, please don't be offended; my penance will be eternal damnation, okay?

Me: It's a gorgeous day out. Let's take a walk and get some coffee at [name of favorite local bakery].
Jeff: We may have to settle for Dunkin' Donuts. [Favorite local bakery] is probably closed.
Me: What? Closed? For Easter?
Jeff: Um, yeah.
Me: It's not even a REAL holiday.
Jeff: How do you figure?
Me: Well, you know, there's candy. And ham at 2 pm or whatever. But it's not like there are presents to open all morning.
Jeff: Interesting. I would argue that it's actually the most important holiday.
Me: Oh, what, because of Jesus?

I KNOW.

Then, later, I had this conversation with my dad's partner, Lisa:

Me: [Recounts above dialogue.] Hahahaha. My Biblical knowledge is woefully sparse. I should have remembered that it was a really big deal that Jesus rose from the dead, right? Haha.
Lisa: [Laughing gently, the way you do when you are a kind person who doesn't want someone else to feel like a moron.]
Me: But... maybe you can clarify something for me. Because I know Jesus was crucified...
Lisa: Right.
Me: And then rose from the dead...
Lisa: Right, after they buried him in a cave.
Me: ... But what happened after he rose? I mean, was he just like, 'What up, peeps, I'm back!'?
Lisa: No, he just disappeared. He was gone when they went to his grave.
Me: Ohhhhh. [pause] So, kind of like Elvis.

Needless to say, Jeff will be handling our son's religious and historical education. Also, science. I will take some light grade school math and everything required for domination of the pink wedge in Trivial Pursuit.

Scenes From a Failed Education: Easter Edition