Tuesday, April 3, 2012

The Insomniac's Notebook

So, I can't sleep. This has been a problem for awhile now, and it's especially awesome because the time span that I spend trying to fall asleep corresponds pretty much exactly with the only time span that my child is asleep. Needless to say, it's been

Every time I mention Good Times, I just think about how Troy Dyer would think I was cool.

in my house lately.

Longtime readers of the blog know that I have some anxiety problems that tend to erupt in Jessie Spano-style freak-outs. But when I'm not treating Jeff to some of my sex-ay irrational hysteria, I'm funneling all of that anxious energy inward, funneling it into my brain, where a team of tiny mes live in the few remaining cells, like in Woody Allen's Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Too Afraid To Ask) or Herman's Head. Except instead of controlling my body or awesomely manifesting as Bobcat Goldthwait (I wish!), they sit around drinking way too much Diet Coke and speculating about my imminent downfall.

An abbreviated list of things that keep me up at night:
  1. Money. Why don't I have any? How can I get some? Do I know anyone who wants to give some of theirs to me? How can I get on a rich person's will? Could Brewster's Millions ever come true, only with me instead of Richard Pryor, and is there an architect who would build me a house with airplane emergency exit slides instead of staircases? Why does everyone keep telling me that if I were my kid's nanny I would be making over $100K? I am his nanny, and I make zero, unless you count the cash I pocket when people send him cards. I wonder how much change is in our piggy bank? What if instead of recycling our cans I took them to that machine by the grocery store that trades them for nickels?
  2. My health. Where did these bruises come from? Where did my butt go? Why does my back hurt? Am I having an aneurysm? Why do I put four sugars in my coffee? Why can't I eat kefir and seitan flakes for breakfast like Gwyneth Paltrow? Why do I hoard so much candy? Why are my teeth so yellow? Did I brush them last night? Do I have cavities? Is this because I haven't gone to my dentist since 2010? Why is health insurance so expensive? Why can't I sleep? Am I dying? What if my heart explodes? What if my vagina falls out? What if I grow a full beard and turn into one of those old ladies who DOESN'T EVEN NOTICE?
  3. The baby's health. Is he breathing? No, but really, is he? If you look really close? Is he pooping enough? Is he pooping too much? Is his poop the right color? Is my breast milk less healthy because I ate 25 Mary Janes for lunch yesterday? Does it taste like the milk at the end of a bowl of Lucky Charms? Is he sleeping enough? Is he sleeping in the right position? If I pick him up every time he cries, will he be too dependent? If I don't pick him up, will he be a sociopath? Is it weird that he's always trying to bite my face? If he turns out to be a cannibal, will I still love him just as much as if he were a urologist, or a male model? 
  4. My career. Do I have one? Is this it? Will I ever write a book? Will books still exist? Is it too late to learn to tap-dance? Do people still do that, outside of Shirley Temple movies? Is Shirley Temple still alive? Does she need any tap-dancing servants? Like maybe someone to taste her food before she eats it to make sure it's not poisoned? For positions like that, can you specify desserts-only?
  5. Television. Why do they keep replacing Bobby Draper on Mad Men, like they think we won't know? Why are they making a Sex and the City prequel? Why am I still watching Glee, especially after they all wore white tie to regionals? What other possible tragedies can befall the doctors at Seattle Grace hospital? An elephant stampede? A mudslide? An entire busload of diabetic high-schoolers getting impaled on the Space Needle?
I do not worry about Jeff's health, because I hear him breathing all night, and also because a diet of mini Reese's Cups and historical nonfiction has been proven to increase longevity. I think.



  1. This is awesome. Not because you have to go through it, because that sucks, but because I CAN TOTALLY RELATE!!! My bug-a-bug is a month older than your boy, and I've been suffering insomnia for a few months as well, which, as you know, is AWESOME! And of course, she's still waking every 2-3 hours for boob time, because OMG, BOOB!!! She loves her some boob. Any-who, that constant inner dialogue is devastating. I know the money/career issue dialogue is awful, but be thankful you don't have the working mom/cay care dialogue. THAT one is filled with so much mommy guilt and heartbreak and ohmygodmybabydoesn'tlovemeanymore panic moments. I'd love to tell you "it gets better" but since we're in the same boat, I can't. Hey, at least we're not in it alone, am I right?

  2. Um, you are seriously hilarious. I mean, I am sorry about the insomnia, but thank you for typing out exactly what goes through my brain (especially 1-3) when I too have it and making me cry with laughter. Amazing!

    So, the same thing happened to me when my twins were a few months old (2 years ago). Guess what the only thing was that would cure it? Running (or some other form of strenuous exercise). I also now have a five month old, and it started again a few weeks ago. Same cure. Perhaps better for me (and her) than a few glasses of wine (not sure what that tastes like in my milk but I suspect it upsets her tummy based on a wee bit more crying...I win at mom-ing), but damn. The breastfeeding is already burning calories...can't I get a get-out-of-babyweight free card without exercise for one year? Nope. And so I run...because your Night Bitch is my all day mood when I haven't slept.

  3. I've been watching Breaking Bad when I get home from work at 1 AM and I think you should set up a Paypal account like Walter JR. did for his dad.
    Now I know you aren't dying of cancer. And you won't have millions of hacked "zombie" computers funneling drug money into your account from your drug dealer dad. BUT you might get a few bucks here and there that might help buy the diapers or some more coffee.
    Your posts make me laugh so much I could see myself clicking a cute picture of S. or a piggy bank or something that links me to a paypal account. Maybe like Walt senior you cringe at the idea of "charity". But I say why not? No one clicks it who cares. But maybe a few clicks here and there and it would be worth it.

  4. "Is it weird that he's always trying to bite my face?" Laughed out loud a couple of times reading your post, but that one has just started happening to me...I pretend they're kisses, he can't tell me, so what I assume has to be right, right? www.runningafterbabiez.blogspot.com

  5. Oh Una, how you amuse! Sorry for your woa's...but compared to Betty Draper Francis, you life is, well, kinda meh! Speaking of which...it is NEVER too late to start tapping! Shuffle off to Buffalo! By the way, you have hit on a Mad Men/Shirley Temple connection, which is brilliant! Look on Mad Men's upcoming episode guide...'At The Codfish Ball' will be in a few weeks...Shirley Temple's best performance ever from Captain January...January Jones connection, perhaps? As you can sorta tell, I don't sleep much either. Lotsa luck with your zzz's and "the end of a bowl of Lucky Charms" breast milk...you may be sleep deprived, but you are always a hoot! Great things await! Just keep doing what you are doing...minus the caffeine and sugar!!! Ha! :)

  6. I love your blog. I never usually comment. But, I love your blog and I love it because your dialogs are often the same neurotic ones I have with myself. Or, they are the same type. I have a two and a half year old daughter. "Is she breathing? Just look at the chest rise and fall. She's ok." This is at 3 AM. "I shouldn't have co-slept with her. She's too dependent." That's at 7 AM "Please don't cry when I leave you at Day Care today. Mama goes to work so that you can have toys to play with and clothes to wear. I know you want to stay home with me all day. No. You can't go to work with me." That one is at 7:30 AM. I hope you'll look at my blog- granted it isn't as funny as yours. cupcakesmama.blogspot.com

  7. Thank you for being as neurotic as I am. Thanks also, for the "Good Times" reference. I love me a "Good Times" reference.

    Keepin' your head above water...
    Makin' a wave when you can...

  8. I too put four sugars on my coffee and most days i think either my heart or my brain is going to explode. I don't think you have to worry about your vagina falling out but you SHOULD worry about your bladder falling our your vagina. My friend just had her second baby and this is happening to her. True story. Like, it's so far out she can see it. She went to the doctor and was like, I think my anus is falling out. And the doc was like, it's not your anus it's your bladder. It's funny how often people get the two confused.

  9. I agree, it is never too late to start tapping. I bought tap shoes and a CD of tap lessons last year, and I'm going to start using them any day now. Seriously.

  10. Above everything else, I think the Mad Med concerns are the most serious...screw worries over Bobby replacements, how in the world did they slap on that much fat make-up on Betty last night?! While reassuring to see her less-than-perfect, my regular heavy dose of Ambien and Melatonin still required...

  11. "What if I grow a full beard and turn into one of those old ladies who DOESN'T EVEN NOTICE?"

    i work at a bank, and OMG do we ever get so many of those kinds of bearded ladies in. i've never heard/read anyone put it that way, though, so thank you for creating a new mental sub-type of bearded women! as for the everything-else, i don't suppose it helps that you're still amazingly hilarious? :)

  12. hahaha

    i love that you can drabble these worries out on the screen so much. i have these thoughts, late at night but am way too lazy to get up and type or write them out. and the next day, when i'm in front of the computer, i've forgotten them. daylight tricks me into happiness and then, i'm like...gee, what should i write about? how cute my dog is? awwww. bleh.

  13. schady lady7:32 PM

    OMG! Hilarious! I also have problems with anxiety - but oddly enough I have found that between work, school, and baby I don't have TIME to be anxious! But I can really tell when it's coming on now because I get these extremely vivid dreams that keep me up at night. My most recent one, we were all vacationing at the beach in Costa Rica (never been!) and a plane crashed into us. I mean, what the what!!

    Sorry about your insomnia, hopefully it will be self-limiting and you will succumb to a good night's rest soon!

  14. Anxiety totally rules my life, even with the better living through pharmaceuticals that I require to stay somewhat functional. I relate to this post alllllll too well.

  15. Anonymous4:40 PM

    A couple of suggestions:

    1) wine, lots of it, and make sure you get a high alchohol content, none of that pinot shite

    2) yoga, or some other physically-demanding yet strangely calming exercise like Tara suggests

    3) another kid - you'll get over the worrying part, believe me!


    And ps, those old bearded ladies know what's there...they simply don't give a shit what other people think of them, and isn't that part of what you need to stop feeling so stressed?

  16. Anonymous7:40 PM

    Haha-bite your face! haha
    Have you had the Just To The Left Of The Nipple Suck? No, sweet child-o-mine, milk will not spurt from regular boob skin no matter how hard you suck.
    nina x

  17. Anonymous1:26 AM

    It's never too late to tap dance! (and yes, people still do that) I was in a tap show last month and there was this 80something year old man who did a stair routine that ended with a split!


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