|This is what I look like in my mind on a good day.|
|This is what I look like in reality on a bad day.|
Okay, so I'm not going to lie to you--this is a post of links to other stuff I've written. BUT WAIT. You want to go to there. Because if you click them, I might get an Ab Roller. I KNOW. Keep reading.
So, first, I have this column in the New York Observer. It's pretty much exactly like Sex and the City, except that Candace Bushnell already did that, and if I tried to copy her my main character would have to be named, like, Unitard Lesbos or something, and also there's only so much you can write about grooming your nether regions to resemble a racist 1930s children's television character. So instead, my column is about parenting. But it's funny! I call babies dicks and stuff. (Note: I refer to the babies as dicks, not to baby dicks, as I'm pretty sure talking too much about infant genitalia lands you on an unsavory government watch list.)
Anyway, here are the links to my first two efforts. If you go share and comment on them, I will definitely be famous and have my own TV show and can probably someday give you a new car (or at least an autographed copy of my eighth grade yearbook photo, in which my braces are color-coordinated with my overalls).
NYO column 1: Behold a Pale Listserv
NYO column 2: Baby Onboard
Okay, next, I've been writing for NickMom, a new humor site from Nickelodeon. If you click on these, I could win money (for real), and if I win money, I will use it to buy more As Seen on TV infomercial products that I can blog about, like The Bump-It or maybe the Slap Chop.
So if you want to see THIS...
You know what to do.
Top 9 Shocking Revelations in the Easter Bunny's Autobiography
Top 9 Reasons Pinterest is Better Than Sex
Top 9 Inappropriate Thoughts To Have During Mother's Group
I Wish I Could Be Like Clair Huxtable
Finally, I'm still over at Aiming Low, making MS Paint graphs about poop that have the same effect on Jeff as that Sex Panther cologne from Anchorman.
I promise a Philippines post is coming soon. Also probably a self-serving post to remind you that it's my birthday on Friday. The 13th. Yup, that'll end well.