Friday, April 13, 2012

Birthdaypedia

Today I am 32. [hold for applause] Last night, after spending far too much time on WebMD trying to ascertain whether my stomach cramps were A) amoebic dysentery or, B) my uterus staging an attempt at secession, I consulted Wikipedia in an effort to better understand the challenges and rewards I might expect in the coming year. These are my findings.

Pro: "32 is the ninth happy number." Great! This can only mean good things. Right?
Con: 13 is also supposedly a "happy" number. Uh huh. This is me on my 13th birthday:


And while I may look happy to have made a pilgrimage to show Hans Christian Andersen my acid wash Texas tuxedo and my best Babysitters Club Super Special cover pose, trust me--I was not happy.

Pro: "In the Kabbalah, there are 32 Kabbalistic Paths of Wisdom."
Con: Gwyneth. Always ruining everything with her odorless seitan poops and smug British inflections nasal ukelele ballads. Sigh. That bitch is almost as bad as Uma.

Pro: "32 is the number of teeth of a full set of teeth in an adult human, including wisdom teeth." [emphasis mine] I AM WISE, PEOPLE. And I still have all of my original teeth, minus 3/4 of one of my incisors that I lost playing "run around the big cement rectangle outside of school as fast as you can until you realize you can't manifest a playground using psychic powers and the energy generated by three packs of Yodels" in 6th grade.
Con: I haven't been to the dentist since September. Of 2010. I floss at my own risk, lest one of those Acme anvils falls out.

Pro: "32 is the number of pages in the average comic book (not including the cover)"
Con: The best part of comic books are the covers.

See?
(Boring but basically a) Pro: In chess, the total number of black squares on the board, the total number of white squares, and the total number of pieces (black and white) at the beginning of the game.
Con: Reminds me how much the ending of Lost sucked.

Inconclusive:
  • The code for international direct dial phone calls to Belgium
  • O.J. Simpson's number when he played for the Buffalo Bills (saved from being an obvious con by virtue of the fact that hearing "Buffalo Bill" makes me do the creepy Silence of the Lambs voice and yell at Jeff, "It puts the lotion in the basket!")
So. I think we can agree that I wasted an evening. But in the name of science. Which proves I'm maturing.

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11 comments :

  1. first, happy birthday. second, i turned 32 a couple of weeks ago but didn't do this kind of research into it. but so far, 32 is just about the same as 31. which was basically just like 30, minus the asshats saying things like 'oho, you're in your 30s now! the big 3-0. how's it feel to be 30?'

    because, really, they've all felt about the same since, like, 27. i keep forgetting how old i am.

    finally, AWESOME baby sitters club super special pose/reference.

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  2. happy birthday! 32 is pretty awesome...especially on the 13th! (no, really.) my birthday's around christmas, so at least you dodged THAT bullet. :)

    i feel like i should send you a gift of some sort. say, some lisa frank stationery? or maybe the official BSC fanclub pin?

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  3. Happy Birthday! For me, 32 seems so, so long ago.

    Enjoy your day!

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  4. Happy Birthday! Only 32? Shoot, I'd give a testicle to be only 32...

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  5. Right there with you rocking out 32. The "acid- washed tuxedo and BSC pose" was about the funniest thing I ever read...seriously, think I peed my pants a bit and don't think it was postpartum related...

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  6. I totally see the Babysitter's Club comparison in that pic above. Totes. I wanted to BE Claudia in my tween years. I hope you had the happiest of birthdays.

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  7. Well, look at it this way: if 32 sucks, you always have next year. I read somewhere (or someone told me, but it's probably true) that the most picked age that anyone says they can go back to is 33. So hey, you've got that to look forward to!

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  8. Happy birthday, what I wouldn't give to be 32 again! And yes, Gwentth ruins everyhthing... :0

    http://2bestfriendschubbyroadtoskinny.blogspot.com/

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  9. Kiwifee7:48 AM

    Happy Birthday! 32 was great - but I have to say 33 was my favorite age so far.. only in an Irish accent though. Tirty-tree was a great age to be. Then I was tirty-tree and a turd. Not so great.

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  10. Sara K1:46 PM

    Happy b-day! First time commenter, long time reader of your blog. Love the Baby Sitters Club! Is it weird that I wanted diabetes to be more like my favorite - Stacey? I also just had my first baby, he's 8 months. Everytime I put lotion on him after his bath I say "it rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again". My husband thinks I'm a freak of course.

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