Monday, March 12, 2012

Planes, Trains, Banes and Strains (and In-Flight Champagnes, Lest I Go Insanes)

I found out long ago (Ohhhhhhhhhhhh)
It's a long way down the holiday road (Ohhhhhhhhhhhh)

Tonight, Jeff, S. and I will embark on our very own National Lampoon's Asian Vacation, a pilgrimage to a dear friend's wedding in the Philippines.

Holiday roooooooo-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad
Holiday rooooooooooo-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

I am already having stress poops over this. Don't pretend you don't know what I mean.

Because why not take your longest-ever flight with a tiny person strapped to your lap who, unlike you, has not moved his bowels in three days? (Incidentally, does that count as an explosive? I'll have to check the TSA's website.)

But dudes. My eyes today are all glassy and wild, like Michelle Bachmann's when she tries to blame swine flu on Jimmy Carter, or Tyra's when she surprises the ANTM girls with a trip to a third-world "fashion capital."


Come to think about it, I wish we were ANTM finalists right now--and not for the obvious reasons like getting to balance on stilts while dressed as racial stereotypes. No, it's for the travel perks. Instead of being on a sixteen-hour flight to Hong Kong, followed by a two-and-a-half-hour flight to Cebu, followed by a ferry to a smaller island, all with an infant whose most recent learned skill is shrieking loudly for no reason and then trying to rip my nose off of my face--a trip that not even Steve Martin and John Candy could survive, as I got tired just typing out those hyphens--we would just take a quick, six-second airplane graphic across a neon laser map of indiscriminate continents, all on the CW's dime:


(Since I'm already having nightmares about flying with a five-month-old, rounding out the imaginary flight manifest are Carrot Top, Kimmy Gibler, drunk Nick Nolte, and Dana Carvey as Norman Bates The Church Lady.)

I have stuffed my carry-on full of contingency plan supplies: four outfits for the baby, scented hazmat bags for soiled clothing, books, toys, tampons and extra underpants (HA, after fifteen months I think I qualify as a desert according to the U.S. Geological Survey, but I know Mother Nature would just looooove to prank me like that), food, Raffi and anti-spouse-kill meditation tracks on the iPod. The only thing missing is some duty-free booze and a pile of Us Weeklys that can double as emergency raft toilet paper, but that's what airport shopping is for.

OK, fine, maybe I'm being a little over-dramatic. I should focus on the positives, right? Like how, after this trip, I will fear nothing--not even toilet rats. Or how Nolte is probably packing some potent sedatives.

It still wouldn't hurt to pray for us, though, as we (possibly literally) lose our shit over the Pacific. In return I promise not to send any smug vacation Tweets about how strong the daiquiris are at the swim-up bar. Deal?
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20 comments :

  1. good luck! can't wait to hear how it all goes!

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  2. You are brave, Una. Can't wait to hear all about it when you get back!
    xoxo

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  3. Good luck! I've done a ton of overseas flights with my two not-so-little-anymore kids, and I have one recommendation for the baby... stop at a fast food restaurant and grab a lemon juice condiment (actually, a couple of them). I know you're breastfeeding, but sometimes those little monsters (babies, not breasts) can be stubborn, and not want to nurse when they REALLYREALLYNEEDTO, like when you need them to suck so that their ears don't ache so they don't cry the whole flight. A drop of lemon juice on the tongue will make your whole flight much easier, and you can take funny lemon pucker pictures, too.

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  4. Safe trip! Yeah, it's a long slog, but you'll get through it.

    I'm already looking forward to reading about it.

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  5. Good Luck, you brave, brave woman! I can't wait to hear how it goes!

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  6. Just think, one day you will look back on this and laugh about it ... we're already chuckling.

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  7. wow, that must be some awesome friend for you all to endure all of that! I didn't even brave a 3 hour flight for Christmas with the family with our 6 month old.

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  8. I wish you all the best, but even then it sounds like a pretty arduous journey. And great blog fodder. Safe travels.

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  9. safe travels to you and your bowels!

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  10. Just don't get Lost, Una! The island doesn't like children...or so they say.

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  11. Wow, I am so sorry.

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  12. Advice a friend of mine gave our mutual friend at her baby shower: when traveling with a baby, no matter how long, ALWAYS bring a change of clothes for ALL OF YOU in your carry-on. The baby may not make a mess of himself, but he will probably make a mess on you! Better to be safe than poo or spit-up covered! :)

    Safe trip!

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  13. I'm thinking it's the other passengers who might be needing the prayers. Good luck, anyway. Hope you all have a fabulous time!

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  14. Anonymous11:36 PM

    TELL ME WHAT KIMMY GIBLER EVER DID TO YOU

    SHE IS A KIND, MISUNDERSTOOD GENTLE SOUL

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  15. Listen, if Kimmy Gibler is on board, you are good to go. She is one of those epic figures that if you had an extra child to spare-throw-around-raise-in-an-experimental-manner, I would so hand my child over to. She would do a number on that child, for sure. In the meantime, huge fan of Bendryl-sedation and good luck :)

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  16. As Jen said, I've also heard it is useful to pack an extra set of clothes for both you and your spouse in your carry-on bags just in case S has a blowout or something. Good luck!

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  17. Good luck traveling!!

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  18. nettie12:33 PM

    In my experience, traveling with a 5 month old is simple compared to travel with a 3 year old. I hope the family with the 3 year old isn't sitting next to you.

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  19. Thanks lot for this useful article, nice post

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  20. UPDATE: S. was a DREAM BABY on the plane(s). Everyone commented on how well-behaved he was. Which is more than I can say for myself. Let's just say a little bit of alcohol goes a LOOOOONG way at 35,000 ft.

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