Tuesday, March 27, 2012

3 Semi-Decent Reasons I Haven't Written About My Crazy Philippines Trip Yet

1. I'm pretty sure I broke my toe. I was carrying S., my almost-19-lb. megababy who is probably going to be Andre the Giant-sized by preschool (and hopefully just as poetic--because even if I was really mad, if my son answered my demand to "Go to sleep now, I mean it!" with "Anybody wanna peanut?" I would be so charmed I might even put down my decanter of Malbec and sing him a lullaby in my best Zooey Deschanel-on-Quaaludes voice, which I have perfected by doing rage kegels while watching her cotton commercial approximately 16,000 times), and I walked into my coffee table, which is a totally stupid way to (maybe) break my first bone. Anyway, it might not be broken, I don't know. My mom says it might just be "jammed," which is something I once did to my finger playing basketball in high school--and I know what you're thinking: How is it possible to injure oneself shooting Granny-style free throws with both hands? To which I say, touché, and also, I was probably really stiff from trying to fake period cramps. Regardless, everyone should feel sorry for me. Especially because...

2. My wonky eye is back. Which means I've been self-medicating with bodily fluids again, and the only thing more attractive than a woman with a limp and a swollen red eye is if that eye also has a milk mustache. Jeff is so turned on that his central nervous system completely shuts down and he's passed out before I even set foot in the bedroom.

3. I had to set aside time to watch Mad Men, and NOW I have to learn the lyrics to something sexy and French to perform for Jeff once my limp subsides. Like maybe...


Voila mon passport! See? Full circle, topical.

Long story short: Somehow they let us back in to the US. It was probably my Zooey Deschanel impression.
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7 comments :

  1. yay welcome back i missed reading you

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  2. Love "Foux Da Fa Fa!" Also, welcome back!

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  3. Well, this post was more than worth the wait! Thanks for corroborating my hate of Zooey Deschanel's singing (I thought I might be the only one), how much I miss Flight of the Conchords, and how much I miss having a mega-baby even if he makes me break my toe (I did the same thing 16 years ago). Don't worry, it will heal on it's own but in the meantime it will be F*%#ing painful. My mega-baby is now a 6'4" 16 year old. Start savin' now to buy new pants for the child every 2 weeks until he's fully grown. Welcome home.

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  4. which toe did you break? the pinky usually isn't too bad, but the other ones can hurt A LOT. if it isn't swollen and purple, it's probably not broken. either way, wine should help.

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  5. Sorry about the toe and the eye. Seriously, though, how did Megan catapult from being semi-awkward sweet secretary to insanely sexual temptress all in one episode?? Obviously, now I want to be her...

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  6. Welcome back! Can't wait to hear about how S. did during the trip and details on the wedding.
    Megababy babies were all I produced. I remember carrying Megababy #1 from the car into the post office with two letters that needed stamps. By the time I plopped/balanced his ass on the counter, got the stamps, put them on the envelopes, and put the letters in the chute, I wasn't sure I could make it back to the car with him in my arms.
    Wear something on your feet in the house. Your Mommy-head won't be paying attention to where you're going anymore with eyes, thoughts, and movements focused on the baby.

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  7. I jammed a finger every time I picked up a basketball in junior high (which consisted of granny-style free throws) and I've refused to pick one up since escaping that hellish place.

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