Thursday, February 9, 2012

Things That Go Bitch in the Night


Some people get night sweats.

Some people get night terrors.

Me? I get Night Bitch.


In the past, this condition expressed itself when Jeff needed to go to the hospital at 3 am, or when he tried to move me after I'd fallen asleep on the couch.

That was nothing. Acute Night Bitch sets in when you have a baby.

The first few weeks I was so sleep-deprived that I didn't get bitchy, I just wept. It was pathetic: me, in my giant postpartum "diaper" constructed from a jumbo sanitary napkin and mesh underpants, wailing along with my crying infant.

But now I enjoy a good three to four hours of sleep at a stretch--TRY NOT TO BE JEALOUS--and so when I'm awakened I am less sad and more petulant.

"The baby's awake," Jeff will whisper.

Swimming up from the depths of my new-mom slumber, I cannot comprehend this sentence. "NO HE'S NOT. HE CAN'T BE AWAKE. I JUST PUT HIM DOWN." (I use my angry Judge Judy voice.)

"Well, sorry, he is..."

"BAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. FUCK. FUUUUUUUUUUUCK. FUCK EVERYTHING."

"I think he's hungry."

"NO, HE'S NOT. YOU'RE BEING AN ASSHOLE."

Last night, I decided to add a little Naomi Campbell flair to the proceedings by repeatedly smashing my phone into the nightstand. In my defense, I was tired and I couldn't read the screen and so I thought it was broken. And to fix it, I thought maybe trying to hit it against something really hard might help.

As you might imagine, for Jeff I am only a MILF in the sense that he would like to fire me.


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19 comments :

  1. It gets better. Those commercials for be for new moms instead of gay teens. It took a long ass time, but my child (now 18 months) sleeps from about 6:30 PM-7 AM. I frequently planned my husbands demise in the middle of the night though. It involved torture or suffocation. rarely both.

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  2. This is me. Wake me up, I will CUT YOU!!!

    I used to be scared that I'd punch The Kid in the face when he was old enough to toddle into my room, but it turns out that I direct all my anger and resentment at The Hubby. Whew!

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  3. Oh dear! Baby S's cuteness makes up for it, right?? Right????? Hey off topic, Bringing Up Bebe...looks like great read about parenting, which may or may not mean a thing to you right now! Lotsa luck Una...:)

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  4. That clinches it - we ARE related! Now it happens when the 18 year old strolls into the house at 3 a.m. :(

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  5. You're doing a good job...just in case no one has told you that lately:-)

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  6. I am SO lucky. I only have a very old cat with sleep issues. I can lock him in the bathroom.
    I give him a blanket though, so that makes me kind. Right?

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  7. Ah yes, I remember those days not fondly at all.

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  8. I feel your pain! My little dude-face is up 2 or 3 times a night. Drives me nuts! Doesn't he know how amazing sleep is?

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  9. I am going to show your blog to my husband because he is certain that he's the only husband dealing with a sleep deprived bitch of a wife. I read somewhere that men should be nice to their wives immediately following childbirth because we lay there at night plotting their demise. I didn't believe it until I laid there, nursing my son (for the fifteenth time that night) as my husband snored happily away. I get it.

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  10. I'm no good with middle of the night wake-ups. I'm a total bitch and can be cuttingly mean. Good thing about babies is that you don't have to talk in the middle of the night. Flop a boob out and sit with your mouth hanging open and drool running out until that feed is finished and you can attempt to go back to sleep. But you can't, because your sleep cycle has been interrupted and now you are miserably AWAKE.
    P.S. Like my sister said at the top--it totally gets better. Both of my kiddies started sleeping 12 hours between 7-8 months.

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  11. Last night Yaron asked me what I wanted for breakfast and I screamed "what do you think??? Don't you even know me?!!?" And went back to sleep.

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  12. Anonymous5:34 PM

    Sassy, I feel your pain. My baby is 20 weeks old today and night bitch is in full swing between the hours of midnight and 4 am when he thinks he has to get up 2 to 3 times. Last night I refused to even speak to my husband because I didn't want to start a pointless and unwarranted screaming match at 2:30 a.m. Luckily the kid is so cute I can't take my grump out on him.

    Candace

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  13. I'm at that point. The little dudes are sleeping 2-4 hour stretches at night (Praise be!) but not consistently. And when they're doing their every-ten-minutes-I-dropped-my-pacifier wail, I just want to die.

    Sure, my husband can sleep through it, somehow, while I lay awake just waiting for the next whimper.

    I swear, it is ALWAYS my turn to get up. Hmmm...

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  14. Uuuuuuuuuuuuu. . . It's been 24 years, but I can still remember the horror, THE HORROR of the sleepless nights. My firstborn was colicky. From 10 pm to 6 am he screamed unless I was walking the floor with him or driving him around in the car. FOR TWO MONTHS I was filled with murderous hate for everyone and everything. Except him. But at two months he starting sleeping 10-12 hours a night and I felt somewhat human again. It does get better.

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  15. Ayep. I would nurse the baby to sleep, then go out into the hall and cry in a heap on the floor and threaten to jump off a tall building, because I was just. so. tired. tired tired tired. Man did I take that sh** out on my husband. Wooo doggy. 2 years later, we are somehow still married and the wee one has been sleeping all night for about a year. All hail the forward movement of time!

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  16. Sweet Jesus, still? I'm sorry, kiddo, you got a tough one there. You've been at it a long time now.
    I remember being that tired. It sucks.
    I remember actually being afraid of night.
    Little S. certainly has sticktoitiveness.

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  17. I just found your blog and laughed out loud for the first time today. Love, love, love this post. *Night bitch* Everytime I think of this tomorrow at work I am going to laugh!

    I had 3 kids, one set of twins. I remember saying to my husband "If I just could get 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep I'd be good to go." Yikes. I could also tell you some stories about trying to nurse twins. At the same time.

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  18. Anonymous6:41 PM

    I had a case of Night Bitch the other night. Had to read the post again :)

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  19. I hated my husband who worked midnights and managed to sleep all day without waking up for anything. I plotted HIS demise many many times. I must have been such a bitch that he left me for someone nicer, kinder, not sleep deprived or baby-insane.

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