Thursday, February 2, 2012

Playboy Bunnies and 7 Other Sweet Postpartum Jams

The first months of parenthood are rough, y'all, I'm not gonna lie. They're like that stress dream where it's the first day of school and you're two hours late, you can't find your classroom, you're suddenly naked as you round the corner into the ninth-grade lockers, and someone's given you a helpless infant that you're expected to keep alive without instructions. (Incidentally, instead of giving middle-schoolers eggs to take care of for a week, they should get greased-up watermelons filled with fetid water that slowly leaks out of a tiny hole at the bottom. I should have gone into education.)

ANYWAY.

There are a few things that have gotten me through the winter (obviously not WRITING, amirite? Ha ha. But seriously, no.) that I feel the need to publicly thank. My postpartum jams, if you will. And if you are a new or expectant parent, or just an awesome person who likes booze and weird anime sites about vegetables, I hope they may bring you some comfort, too.

1. The Girls Next Door Workout DVD. Now. I realize that a lot of people might have a bone to pick with that collection of words. Maybe it's "The Girls Next Door." Like, Una, how could you watch something sooooooo awful and degrading to women? To which I reply, but I've never seen Two and a Half Men. BAM. But in all seriousness, this empty-calorie "documentary" about Hugh Hefner and his decades-younger ladyfriends is kind of riveting. Or was, back when it premiered in the mid-aughts. Maybe you object to the fact that I am "working out." But, oh, friends, that's the magic thing. Because the "workout" is led by Playboy bunnies, it is the easiest thing ever. Each segment is 15 minutes long, tops, and they can't move too fast because of their giant boobs and tight shorts. So it's a lot of half-assed squats along with invaluable advice like, "Remember to breathe, because if you don't, you'll die." and "Point your toes to the sky!"


(I do NOT recommend following that advice, by the way. I don't know what Filipino malapropism Holly was smoking.)

2. My brown husband. Not what you think. I still have the white husband (Jeff.) I just also have this:

Once you go brown, you'll love sitting down.

Yup, it's a pillow. Called "the husband." How sad, right? Wrong! Amazing invention for back support while you're nursing a 17-lb. baby. And lets you make strangers think you live a thrilling, Big Love-meets-Jungle Fever lifestyle.

3. Dry shampoo. If I manage to shower, it's a Very Big Deal. On the other four days of the week (shut up, brown husband doesn't judge), I turn to my new lover dry shampoo. It, along with deodorant and passably clean underpants keeps me, if not Zest-fully clean, then at least no dirtier than your average teenage street urchin.

4. Leekspin.com. I am that mom who freaks out if her baby so much as glances at the television during 30 Rock, screaming "It's breaking his braaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn!!!!"And yet I will happily sit S. in front of this bizarre site, which Jeff turned me onto a few years ago. It is literally nothing more than a happy anime girl spinning a big leek while she sings a gibberish song (at least I think it's gibberish; otherwise it is Japanese and I am racist). Regardless, the kid LOVES it. If I sit him in his Bumbo facing the computer, it buys me enough time to frantically dry shampoo my hair, and maybe even pee.


5. Wine. I mean, really--you knew this. Once a wino, always a wino. But of course I no longer drink to excess. Even though only 1% of what I ingest goes into my breastmilk, I err on the side of caution. S. is going to have to take care of me someday, and he can't be too drunk.

6. Teen Mom 2. This show is a scourge on humanity and an embarrassment to everyone involved. But it is also postpartum Prozac. You will feel like the best parent in the universe after watching an episode of Teen Mom 2. For example: Is your mother suing you for custody of your child? Does your baby-daddy's post-pubescent acne prevent him from growing a proper beard? No? YOU WIN AT LIFE.
Is this you? No? YOU ARE THE BEST MOM EVER.
7. My Hooter Hider. I know I wrote about everyone and (literally) their mom seeing my boobs, but in actuality when I'm in public I make use of a handy little chest apron called The Hooter Hider. (Also, to the commenter who told me last time that breastfeeding in public is "digusting": I have seen people eat Indian food on the subway. I have seen men with toe fungus wearing flip-flops. Breastfeeding is definitely NOT the worst thing people do in public.) The name may be unforgivably dumb--why not just call it Aureole-Away, or Tit Tent?--but it is extremely useful, seeing as my son likes to whip his head back and forth like Willow whenever I whip my nips out, like he's trying to flag down the Girls Gone Wild crew.

It's like a big muumuu necklace!
8. Mullet wigs. Because when you find yourself at a loss for activities, you can always get a head start on next year's Christmas card.

(Jeff said, "I like that you're showing some leg, too." I am nothing if not pure sex.)


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27 comments :

  1. I have a boob-tent called the "Udder Cover." So, there's that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow. So maybe I should trademark Aurole-Away now, huh?

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  2. Actually it's the bridge from a Finnish song, Ievan's Polka by a group called Loituma.

    The good news is, I think I read somewhere that the part they've taken for the Spinning Leek show IS actually gibberish, they're doing something similar to scatting.

    The more you know. Ya know?

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    Replies
    1. This is blowing my mind.

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    2. Darn. I was kind of hoping baby S would learn Japanese by osmosis. That would have been really cool, if not at all useful.

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  3. Here, enjoy!

    Loituma - Ievan's Polka

    Be warned, I got totally hooked on this tune. And had to explain to people why I was rocking out to Finnish Polka in the car.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Holy carp. I've listened to this three times now. It's adorable!

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  4. Hey! I have a brown husband... the animated kind.... And there is NOTHING wrong with that!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my God, I totally did NOT mean it that way. I just meant that people might think I'd left Jeff for another man. Fabulous, I have been unintentionally racist twice in one post.

      Delete
  5. I probably should have had a hooter hider when I was breastfeeding, because I whipped those suckers out EVERYWHERE. In my defense, it was the middle of a 100 degree summer, so I rationalized that I couldn't cover up my baby's head without smothering him to death.

    (please don't leave me mean comments about how I'm a horrible person for breastfeeding in public)

    Checking out the spinning leek right now.

    ReplyDelete
  6. S is already 17 lbs?! Holy moley!

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  7. You go girls! Breastfeeding in public is NECESSARY...unless women with infants should never leave the home...For anyone who hasn't tried it, you shouldn't get to call it disgusting...you think I enjoy sitting in the fitting room at the mall when my child needs to eat because your judgemental ass makes me self-conscious? Thanks! Also when you're breastfeeding you are basically tethered to your child or your pump, but always something. It's hard work and we give up a lot (like any kind of normal life), so appreciate, don't hate! (I formerly thought it was weird, so I can appreciate what it is like "not knowing," but now understand how beautiful it is & rewarding of a bonding experience). Just please don't be so quick to share your negative opinions if you've never been there:-) Obviosely I've held back some thoughts and feel like I should say my peice.

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  8. Anonymous1:30 PM

    I really can't believe people think breastfeeding in public is disgusting. Isn't it enough that your suffocating your poor baby with carbon dioxide under a hooter hider so other people aren't uncomfortable? I look forward to the day someone confronts me about feeding my future child. They are going to find themselves with an eye full of breastmilk. And if they try to claim assault, I'll say I was only trying to help them. I thought they had pink eye.

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  9. I really need to know the secret of proper dry shampoo application. I've tried that shiz so many times and my hair just ends up looking greasy AND powdery. I'm sure I'm doing it wrong. Perhaps youtube shall save me.

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  10. OMG I am dying this is too funny! I can relate to your post on everyone seeing your boobs. Words I never thought I would say in front of my brother and step-dad, "Look guys! Clementine is trying to find my nipple!" While I was amazed at the wonders of life 30 minutes after she was born, I was definitely traumatizing my male family members. It took family bonding to a whole new level.

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  11. breastfeeding almost anywhere is okay. i would think the only place i wouldn't breastfeed is, like, in the middle of a restaurant. where people are eating. only because, you know. boobs AND food together? male heads will explode.

    i was once asked by a woman on a plane sitting next to me if she minded if she breastfed her teensy, angelic, didn't-cry-until-four-minutes-before-landing baby next to me. i was like, seriously? what the fuck is wrong with people? i can't believe someone would be offended by the most natural thing in the world.

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  12. I'm worried for Holly. In the workout video (a real ass-kicker, I can tell), she forgot "4" when counting to five, but she did the famous "I'm using my left leg but you should use your right and that's why I'm saying 'right leg' in this workout video" flawlessly. I'm thinking brain tumor. You?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Psychsarah7:47 PM

    I'm reading this while nursing my 21 pounder and he's jiggling as I laugh my face off...thanks for the chortles-love the mullets!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Why do I have a sudden urge to eat Cream of Leek Soup with a side of pickled herring and Sashimi? Gotta get the ringtone for this one!

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  15. Thanks for spreading the good word on that Girls Next Door dvd. I really need to step up my game in the workout department and a video full of weak-ass squats is RIGHT up my alley.

    Also, I have no hoots to hide. But if I get some one day, I'll make sure to look into that apron.

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  16. I love all of them!! especially the wine, and the dry shampoo. I could not live without either!

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  17. omgggggg you just have this uncanny ability to make me laugh

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  18. I used to watch Teen Mom 2. I followed those girls for quite a long time. I always ended up crying on the couch, hugging a pillow. Each story line was just so f*ed up, and there was this sweet, smiling baby each time....wahhhhhh.
    Then I read that the one with twins is pregnant (again) with twins (again) and hopes to "brand" her family like Kate Gosselin, whom she admires.
    CLICK...the world's gone mad.

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  19. The mullet wigs heeeeeeeeeeeee

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  20. I have something similar to the hooter hider.... I call it the testicle tapistry.... and it is amazing!!!! In fact I once... WAIT! I made it all up. I just normally freely expose my boys. Disregard!

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  21. Only Semi-related to the Tit Tent, I thought you might get a kick out of the hat in this post from another blog I read. It's a baby hat that looks like a boob. Really cute. The rest of the page may not be safe for work if you work for assholes.

    Boob Hat

    ReplyDelete
  22. Nathan Hart11:52 AM

    Holly's knees are hyper-extended that entire video, if you treasure you knees, for the love of god, DON'T do squats like that...

    ReplyDelete

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