Monday, January 16, 2012

My New Boss

I don't know about this job, you guys. My boss just farted and grinned, and then demanded that I feed him instead of continuing my Lost marathon on Hulu Plus. (I'm picking up a lot on my second viewing of the series, like: Why doesn't Kate have a mustache? I know they had food and water and a shower in the hatch, but unless the Dharma Initiative air-dropped some Jolen bleach into the jungle, homegirl should have some facial hair by season two. Also, that the best way to tell someone you would like them to stop talking is to hit them in the face with the butt of a gun.)

Anyway, back to this boss of mine:

He has vomited into my cleavage. More than once. He passes out all the time, often on top of me. The other day he licked my shoulder. He grabs my boobs whenever he gets the chance--other people's boobs, too; like Honey Badger, he don't care. He soils himself constantly and expects me to clean it up. He insists that I carry him everywhere. In the middle of a conversation he'll start crying. When he's not drinking or sleeping, he spends most of his time staring at lamps.

You know, I'm starting to think that he doesn't have much experience in upper management.

P. to the S., y'all: Any readers in the Brooklyn area should check out Momma C's art show at the 440 Gallery!It's called Imagined Light: Memories of Rome, and is on display through February 19.
It should be noted that in all of my 31 years she has not once pooped through her onesie and onto her bouncy seat. Some people are classy. Ahem.

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9 comments :

  1. Clearly all this experience in bossing is going to make S grow up to be the next Anna Wintour. I hear she likes being carried everywhere as well.

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  2. You forgot to mention the large supply of Dharma disposable razors which allowed every woman on the island to maintain her legs and underarms in a state of fashion-model smoothness. But at least they didn't have bosses barfing into their cleavage.

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  3. Your new boss sounds a lot like mine used to be. He's gotten a bit better since he's been around for awhile. Maybe if you stick it out, the job will get easier?

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  4. Bahahahaha! :D It took me a minute to figure out you weren't talking about a human boss! (I'm new to your blog.) I love it by the way. Soooo much fun to read.

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  5. You are in bigger trouble when he figures out how to send you a memo!

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  6. Worry not,Una - both the job and the boss will become easier to deal with - give it 18 years or so. By then the farting in public should stop and other women's boobs will become the focus of his attention.

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  7. Anonymous10:57 AM

    Okay, I was (quite uncharacteristically) screaming out loud with laughter, tears running down my face while reading this post, and both my husband and teenage son demanded to have it read to them. Hysterics all around. And so very, very true.

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  8. Hahaha I was a nanny, and the baby used to throw up in my cleavage so often!! I remember I had to have my boyfriend at the time swing by with a change of clothes for me once, it was so bad.


    Also...you've been nominated for an award! Check it out. :) http://samantha-jillofalltrades.blogspot.com/2012/01/omg-guys-i-got-fucking-award.html

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  9. Funny. That could pretty much sum up my college experience, although none of the girls whose cleavage I vomited into thought I was too boss.

    Amazing how those little guys call the shots from day one, isn't it?

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