Monday, January 23, 2012

Hairy Situation (NOT About Genitals, Relax)

Awhile back before I got pregnant, Jeff and I found ourselves with a lazy weekend afternoon. We put our heads together and decided on three goals: get high, have sex, and cut Jeff's hair.

The sticking point was: what order to do them in? It was the very definition of a high class problem. Or, OK, maybe a low class problem. Certainly the problem of a childless person who didn't know how good she had it. But a problem nonetheless.

It seemed unwise to get high first and then take a pair of scissors to my husband's head. But then, who wants to have sex with little hair cuttings falling all over the place? Luckily, once we were high we were too lazy to do the haircut. Pot has a way of making everything seem less important than watching YouTube videos and eating Wheat Thins.

Even though his mop remained shaggy, Jeff dodged a bullet. The one and only time I had ever cut human hair I accidentally snipped off a piece of my friend Charlie's scalp. In my defense, I think I was high at the time. (Oh, college.) And my Jem doll's circa-1991 buzz cut did little to recommend my styling skills.

So you can imagine my abject horror when last week, Jeff grabbed S.'s rattail and demanded that I snip it off.

See, our son came out of the womb with locks to rival Liberace's, a trait he gets from his dad:

Jeff at 2 months; S. at 3 months (in his badass passport photo--hey TSA, someone doesn't give enough of a fuck to sit up straight. Or to sit up, like, at all.)
But after a few weeks, it became clear that our S. was not only probably the president of the Hair Club For Babies, but that he was cultivating what could only be described as an Extreme Mullet.

I feel confident in classifying it as "Extreme" because the traditional mullet, as everyone knows, is "business in the front, party in the back," while S.'s was decidedly a party at every angle.

I blanched at cutting my son's hair for three reasons, aside from the aforementioned sucking at cutting hair in general:
  1. Since S. is uncircumcised, it would be the first thing anyone snipped off of him, ever.
  2. (Okay, except for his fingernails, which will soon be Edward Scissorhand-ian seeing as I cringe every time I wield the baby nail clippers. It's like playing Operation, except that if you miss, instead of getting that freaky buzzing sound you chop off one of your progeny's digits.)
  3. I always want Jeff to keep his hair shaggy and he ALWAYS cuts it against my wishes, and S.'s is the only head of hair in the household I have any control over (mine doesn't count, due to its fondness for settling into a triangle shape and, lately, falling out in clumps).
Still, no one wants a baby who looks like 80s-era Richard Dean Anderson (KIDDING, obviously--everyone secretly wants that), and so I amputated the rattail. Based on my handiwork I expect Frederic Fekkai should be contacting me shortly...

Before and after. Bald spot not my doing.
... maybe to cut the ribbon on his next salon opening with a pair of oversize gardening shears.


  1. Wow! I am glad you inclided the photo because I was sitting here thinking...really? how long could a baby tail have grown?...apparently pretty long!

  2. I, too, have wielded scissors whilst high. Not a good idea. Cutting hair looked easy enough and I'm an intelligent girl (although the "cutting hair looks easy" might be contrary to the whole intelligent thing) so I figured it was a win-win situation. I was wrong. Luckily the victim was also high and even luckier than that? My mom can cut hair and fixed it after the fact.

    Oh and S.'s hair looks great and it was the right choice. I was helping in my 8 year old's classroom last week and there was a child with a rat tail. I was mortified and felt awful for this poor misguided child. His parents clearly do not smoke enough weed.

  3. Now I see where S gets his toupee-hair look! Very cute. :)

    I'm always afraid to cut The Kid's hair, too--and for good reason. One time, he ended up looking like a monk. And it was right before we got his pictures taken. Horrible.

    I do cut his hair, though, because I don't want to pay someone else to do it. It's pretty wavy and I like to keep it long, so I just cut around the hairline and ears and cut his bangs enough so that he can see and call it a day. He gets more compliments on his hair than on anything else, so I must be doing something right.

  4. Nice. My baby was hairless until SHE was three. Another set of problems, entirely--including one that involved what my mother referred to as a "brain squeezer."

  5. Good job. AND you thought to take a "before" photo. Nice. But why is my word verification "flunco"?

  6. nice haircut. i'm amazed at the rat tail s. acquired in such a short amount of time. i was practically bald until i was two. then i grew a beautiful, curly head of hair. which promptly went pin straight and now sucks.

  7. Psychsarah7:34 PM

    I like the term extreme mullet-it applies to my little man too. At 6 months he has hair all the way down his neck, touching his back and the side "wings" won't tuck behind his ears anymore. Yet still, I resist the first haircut. I'm not telling my husband about this post. It will only give him more ammo. Kudos to you for being brave and decisive though. I'm a huge chicken when it comes to all things hair related.

  8. MUCH better without the rat's tail (says anyone who grew up during the 80's).

  9. I wish I had a picture of the haircut I gave my son when he was about 18 months old. That one bald spot you cut, picture them all over the poor kids head. Seriously, what the eff was I thinking?

    Love his moustache onesie.

  10. Renee7:08 AM

    Just some advice from a 50 year old mom of 3 regarding nail clipping. I was always scared to death I would clip skin along with those little nails. I threw out the clippers and after I gave my babies a bath, I gently bit off the nails with my teeth. Yes, feel free to say yuck etc. but it worked.

  11. uh.... baby spokesman for Hair Club For Babies!!!
    Genius! Cause they need a place to buy some short and curlys if you know what I mean!

  12. Anonymous1:54 PM

    Is it okay to be doing pot and nursing a baby? Sorry, but that sounds like bad parenting to me!
    I'm not trying to judge you, I'm just honestly curious! I don't plan on doing either activity, but I like to keep informed ;)

    1. I'm not smoking pot while nursing, don't worry--I believe that's generally frowned upon. The pot-smoking took place before I got pregnant!

  13. Oh my gosh! Hellbaby has a rat tail, too! Not as long as luxurious as S.'s, but at 11 months she's still sporting it. Because it's really nothing more than a strand, it typically curls up into the rest of her hair. But when she gets her head washed, it's halfway down her back!


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...