Friday, January 6, 2012

Does This Baby Make Me Look Fat?

So, we all know that it's a bad idea to pose for a photo with a supermodel or Tropical Miko, Beautiful Island Friend of Barbie. If we do that, we are basically asking to look trollish in comparison.

But nobody ever warned me not to pose next to a baby.

Last weekend we gave S. a bath, and then I took a shower, which is the real shocker. Feeling impossibly fresh and clean and pure, I allowed Jeff to capture the Precious Moment on camera.

Even his tits are bigger. Sigh.
Little did I know that by posing with my son I was essentially stepping in front of a funhouse mirror. Here is how you will look through baby-colored lenses:

Baby: Skin as creamy, unblemished and soft as top-shelf Brie.
You: The discolored leather used to make knockoff handbags at Payless.

Baby: Clear, piercing eyes.
You: Rheumy, pink orbs speckled with dust and--probably--Oreo crumbs.

Baby: Adorable button nose.
You: Lumpy, sun-stained and blood vessel-blossomed schnoz that is at least twice as big as when you last checked.

Baby: No teeth.*
You: Crumbling, wine-splashed reminders that it's been a year since your last cleaning.

Baby: Chubby little hands with dents for knuckles.
You: Horrifying geriatric hands with pulsating veins and giant, arthtritic joints.

Baby: Smooth temples.
You: Crow's feet that NASCAR could use for its next superspeedway track.

I've learned my lesson. When you look back through your albums, son, this is why Mommy isn't in them. Don't let Daddy claim she was too busy pooping.

*Actually, S. ALREADY HAS A TOOTH. And another breaking through. At THREE MONTHS. This is what my bagel-stealing** hath wrought. Also I just found out I have hyperthyroidism, so I didn't actually lose the baby weight because I am genetically blessed, or because Jesus loves me and wants me to have more cheeseburgers.

**Yes, I am going back today to give them the money. I don't need this on my conscience, or on my karma. DO YOU HEAR ME, BAGEL GODS? I AM SORRY, OKAY???

Also, yes, I know this photo is fairly adorable. I just have to be self-deprecating; it's my spirit animal. You understand.


  1. It's a good excuse to post the photo anyway--just adorable!

    I'm sorry to hear about your hyperthyroidism. My sister has been struggling with Graves Disease for the last fifteen years or so, and it's been really difficult. I hope your condition is easy to get under control.

  2. Good news: hyperthyroid is easy to control with levothyroxine, it makes eyebrows sparse, (less plucking/waxing is in your future), and you can blame any mood swings on your thyroid.

    Bad news: You can develop a goiter (gross word for an equally gross neck gobble), it can lead to hair loss and coarse texture, early oviarian failure, and increase in blood pressure aka heart problems, and it will evetually burn out your thyroid and cause hypothyroid, which means you'll be fat and tired.

    I can say all this, because I, too, have been diagnosed in the last year or so with a thyroid disease, which is Hashimoto's. It's not so bad, just regular bloodwork and one pill a day of whatever dosage they decide you need (which can take awhile to adjust, depending on bloodwork test results). Oh, and Hashimoto's is a little more complicated to diagnose, but mimics the regular thyroid issues, so make sure they have tested your thyroid antibody levels, that's key (they don't normally run that test). Also, have a thyroid scan to make sure you don't have a "hot spot," I know radioactive iodine is scary, but it's worth taking it once to make sure you don't have thyroid cancer.

  3. I looove the photo! You two are just the picture of health and happiness. And to be honest, it made me REALLY excited to have my own nummy little swell of top-shelf Brie this coming July. *Grinch heart grows three sizes*

  4. Beautiful: both of you!

    Also, I'm sending positive vibes and hope the hyperthyroidism is manageable.

  5. Honestly, I think babies are the best accessories/photo props. First of all, they make you happy, so you are glowing in the picture. Second, everyone who looks at the picture is so mesmerized by the baby that they hardly notice all of your tiny imperfections. Third, you can strategically position the baby to hide any and all trouble spots. (I like to position my gigantic nine month old directly in front of my post-baby tummy.) It's a super cute picture!

  6. I think that's the sweetest picture and what an adorable baby!!

  7. that photo is adorable and you are still quite hilarious. :)

  8. That is a damn cute baby and you look great! A doctor once told me that if I have a baby I'll probably have a thyroid condition shortly thereafter. So basically -- babies break your vagina and your thyroid, not to mention your boobs. Excellent news.

  9. He is beautiful and so are you; Jeff made a great photo. I hope your thyroid issues are easily managed.

  10. Cute cute cute! I'm pretty sure Jesus does love you though and support the ingestion of the odd cheeseburger.

  11. Well, guess it's better than the other 'thyroidism!' At least you LOST weight!! But really and truly, hope it's not serious. Little S is sprouting Una hair!! How darling is this? He looks like Jeff with your hair. Can we do the celeb thing and call him Juna?!?! Have fun with your little man!!

  12. Anonymous10:36 PM

    Project Runway All-Stars...come on, you have to have something to say. Please, pretty please. The fake Heidi, fake Tim Gunn, Isaac, Mrs. Harvey Weinstein, Anthony, Mondo, throw me a bone!

  13. I zoomed in on this and you look gorgeous! Really! Also S has beautiful eyes. He's going to be a heartbreaker!

  14. Lovely photo and your comparisons made me laugh. S is a sweetie - makes me wish my three hadn't decided to grow up so fast. Happy New Year

  15. Anonymous12:29 PM

    So adorable!!!

  16. Both of you look beautiful! Don't let anything steal your joy in life.

  17. YA LOOK GREAT. Re: Bageltique ethical dilemma, did you just sneak $5 in the tip jar or did you give a whole explanation to a mystified-seeming counterperson?

  18. Anonymous12:27 PM

    What a beautiful baby! Just gorgeous.

  19. You still rock it! :-)

    But that chubby kid sure is a cutie.

  20. You are hilarious. I'm not sure how I found this blog. But. I think I'll keep reading. Best of luck with the parenting stuff. It gets better. And easier. And you will get more sleep. But for a while, it does pretty much suck the life out of you. From someone over the hump, endure.

  21. Anonymous1:11 AM

    Hahahah you just make my day every time i read your blog.

  22. Hey, sweet baby S., my father was a photographer by profession also - I feel your pain. I know you can't believe this, but you will appreciate it a long time from now.
    Hey, Una, funny stuff. My eldest son framed a black and white photo of he and I dancing at his wedding, which was in September. He said he thought it was a beautiful photo. I wondered who the old hag he was dancing with was.

  23. Why are babies so impossible cute? I do think it's a lovely and adorable photo though!

  24. Okay you've got a serious case of Post-Partum Baby Goggles. It's much like Beer Goggles, only while the Beer Goggles create the illusion that a woman is more beautiful than she really is the Post-Partum Baby Goggles create the illusion that we are hideous, befanged, befatted trolls. Trust me, in 10 years when the shit really starts to hit the fan you'll realize you are as Mary with Jesus in the beatific photo above.

  25. you may look horrible in this pic - i wouldn't know - i couldn't take my eyes off that beautiful, handsome, precious lil' gift from God! Holy crap he is freaking adorable! i don't just throw around baby compliments either. what a doll - look at those lips?!

    enjoy every moment. i promise they are 13 before you know it.

  26. I echo Kim's response. I would tell you to post more, as we all miss you and your hilarious observations, but I well remember being the parent of a newborn (despite how much they tell you it fades!) You and the little guy look amazing. He is adorable! I know everyone says that, but in your case, it's totally true.

  27. There are tears rolling down my face--you are so funny.


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