Monday, January 2, 2012

The Bagel & Schmear That Ruined My Year

I'm pretty sure 2012 is doomed for me, and not just because of the End of Days as predicted by the Mayans (way to be a bummer, Mayans, ending things on December 21, just before Christmas but not until AFTER I will have bought everyone's presents--can I redeem my AmEx points from hell?) and potentially saved by receding-hairline Lloyd Dobler (I never saw that movie--what happens?)

No, my year has been karmically fucked by a bagel with a schmear.

See, yesterday Jeff and I went for a jaunty New Year's Stroll, accompanied by our Adorable Spawn. I'm sure we looked like a slightly downmarket J. Crew ad--something you would find in a crumpled Sears catalog your dad keeps in the bathroom next to the toilet. Anyway. The world was our oyster, and then we went to Bageltique Cafe.

I know. I KNOW. I had no business eating a mound of dough that puts on such ridiculous airs. BagelTIQUE? Are we en France? Are we wearing striped boater shirts and carrying baguettes and putting curly little penises on our lowercase c's? (Incidentally, my neighborhood also has a restaurant called La Bagel Delight). So that was my first mistake.

My next mistake was thinking that the universe owed me a free bagel. It was around noon the morning after the annual holiday most likely to end in excess drunkenness, ill-advised make-out sessions and ugly crying, and so even though Bageltique was out of everything bagels (it really IS the end times, y'all) the line was long with bleary-eyed twentysomethings eager to gulp down weak coffee and danish in the hopes of filling the pits of their stomachs with something other than regret. The guy behind the counter was taking orders at lightning speed. I think he thought someone else was ringing up customers. But no one was. So a team of three (no doubt hungover) guys were killing themselves to make food that no one was paying for.

I know. I KNOW. I'm an asshole.

I thought they would take my money when they handed me our breakfast. But no one did. And at first I thought, Free bagels! What a good omen for the new year! Sure, it's no everything bagel. But it's something!

But then it dawned on me as we continued our walk, noshing on our Euro-chic boiled rings: That was not a good omen. That was my test.

If I had given the harried Korean man my $5, I would have had a good year. If I had been a good Samaritan and told them they were giving all of their food away for free, then I would be writing this post from the deck of my yacht, to inform you all of my book deal and unseasonably good hair.

But as soon as I realized my misdeed, the baby woke up and started crying, I spilled coffee on my coat, and I'm pretty sure I felt a chin hair sprout.

There's no hope for me; save yourselves.

Happy New Year.


  1. Harbinger of the end of days for sure Una! Happy New Year!

  2. Walking off with a dozen bagel+crying baby=okey-doke

  3. The worst part about this whole thing is that now you have to go back to the fancy-named bagel store, since the only way to fix your karma is to leave a giant tip in the tip jar. Darn. :(

  4. they say the way you start the year will be the way it goes you could think "I'm going to get a shitload of free food this year"

  5. A more excellent post than usual. That bodes well! Happy New Year!

  6. This made me giggle, and I really needed it.

  7. Tracey5:32 PM

    I don't really like this one - I feel like you should go back and pay them for the bagels.

  8. Oh-kay...I am fifty-one. Chin hairs? Are. not. funny.

  9. I don't know. Maybe paying someone who named their shop Bageltique would have resulted in bad karma. The universe is soooo confusing.

  10. And here I was thinking you were going to write about how you shouldn't be eating bagels. :) This can be fixed. Send $5 to someone random and you'll be karmically (is that a word?) even. Happy New Year!

  11. I agree, it is over for you. Because lurking in the berg of your subconscious psyche lies latent a self-destructive impulse that will make you pay for your crime. You will not get away with it like Martin Landau got away with killing Angelica Houston in Crimes and Misdemeanors. Oh no, it started with the bagel, but it will escalate. First maybe just a tube of Maybelline wonder lash, then it's on to stealing People magazines with some Kardashians' tit canyon on the cover. Then it'll be dashing and dining at Lombardi's, pilfering prime binkies from Peg Perego strollers in Central Park! Ending, years from now, in the malevolent online stalking, bullying and eventual bludgeoning of Dakota Fanning with her flower penis. Or. Depending on where you are in the digestive process, you could return the bagel of your iniquities in stool or vomit form. Good luck.

  12. Maybe they'll feel sorry for you and give you an endorsement. It could happen!

  13. Anonymous8:50 PM

    Sassy, honey, you know what to do. You just march yourself back into Bageltique and pay for that bagel & a schmear. Pay up, make yourself right with the universe. Make sure to take S. along with you (as if you have a choice) so he can witness his mama DOING the RIGHT THING. Go on now, we'll wait right here.

  14. Well, I totally missed this somehow. But I think making good on your debt is going to increase your good karma immeasurably. And the comments have me smiling broadly about the range of responses from your readers!


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