Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Liquid Capital

As of this week, I have a new get rich quick scheme: breastmilk faith healing.

Hear me out.

Remember my wonky red eye? Well, my mom--who is kind of a hippie homeopath but who also has freakish Demi Moore-like skin even though she currently qualifies for Medicare, and therefore whose beauty advice I trust implicitly--was all, just put some breastmilk in it. So I did. The process wasn't pretty--it involved a shot glass and a woeful lack of hand-eye coordination--but it worked. Now all I want to do is set up a tent outside the Port Authority and squirt breastmilk on the lame, making young children toss aside their crutches and do somersaults.

Tiny Tim just needs a tit.
My other revelation of the week: I finally know why there are pockets on baby clothes. S. has all of these cargo pants and T-shirts with functional pockets. It's not like the baby has any socket wrenches or fountain pens, and even if he did, the only thing he can manage to do with his hands is accidentally hit himself in the face while sleeping. So up until today I assumed the pockets were for surreptitious drug smuggling (for shame, Baby Gap). But wait! This afternoon, after eating, S. vomited directly into the breast pocket of his striped onesie.

Form meets function. Slow clap.


  1. Are there pockets on the bum side? That's where you need it for projectile diarrhea that is inevitably coming your way. Don't worry. You've got time to find the right pair of pants.

  2. G$ had a blocked tear duct--breastmilk
    coffee--... starbucks.

  3. oh...this made me laugh. :D

  4. Your mom is a genius and you, as always, are very funny.

  5. Anonymous12:53 AM

    Breastmilk is amazing, isn't it?! It works for so many things: chapped lips, dry skin, eczema, sinus infections (squirt up the nose or use a medicine dropper), eye problems (I never tried a shot glass, I just used a medicine dropper), sore throats, you name it.

  6. Psychsarah6:52 AM

    After reading about all the good stuff breastmilk can do, I started to wonder why someone hadn't thought to bottle for profit. I'm sure you can corner the market ;)

  7. A few years from now, if you're lucky, he'll fill his shoes with pee.
    Amazing about the eye cure, glad it's better.

  8. the breastmilk thing is killing me. i'll add it to my list of 'stuff that fixes ANYTHING that you'd be surprised of', which already consists of coca cola, wd40, brake cleaner fluid, and windex.

    side note: the only non-brake-cleaning use i've discovered for brake cleaner fluid is killing wasps and huge fucking hornets. mostly because neither the windex nor wd40 did the job. they just piss the wasp/hornet off.

  9. Breastmilk also cures ear infections! It is the miracle cure! I think you can use it as deodorant, too... : )

  10. Anonymous7:41 PM

    Yes, I was surprised by the advice of the nurses in the hospital that I squirt the stuff into little Dominic's eyes to help them clear out his tear ducts. Apparently, that one is also known to the mama's over here in Laos, because often when I take him out and they get a good look at his eyes they'll start very energetically pointing to my breasts and once or twice have even gone so far as to grab a boob and try to bring it to the baby's eyes - cross cultural sign language at it's best.

  11. After a rough day, this put a smile on my face. Thanks Sassy!

  12. If breast milk will cure an arthritic neck, send me a gallon. I'll even help with the pumping. As for the pockets on the baby clothes, they are there for the same reason as the 750 zippered pockets on an Air Force flight suit ... you'll just have to take my word for it.

  13. didnt know about the breats milk stuff but since i have no kids there would be no need for me to. anyway i knew about the pockets on baby clothes since both my sisters have kids. iv seen there kids do some nasty stuff and it all go into the pocket and be so much easyer to clean up. i guess thats really why they made them for the ease of cleaning it all up.

  14. Breast milk is the new snakeoil!!!

  15. Anonymous2:17 PM

    It sure beats the warm dry hooded towel that L. spit up all over immediately after her inaugural bath this morning. Wish that thing had pockets.

    I keep telling E., as he cries crocodile tears inconsolably from his Pack 'n Play, that the cure for what ails him is always boobie. It seems that held more truth than I thought.


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