Monday, November 21, 2011

How Does Any Parent, Anywhere, Ever Get Anything Done, Like, Ever?

So, remember when I used to get all stressed out and announce all dramatically that I had to take a break from blogging, because doing half-assed As Seen on TV! workouts and keeping track of all of the various Gossip Girl plot lines simply took up all of my free time, and doing all that plus writing about my pubes on the Internet was about to just push me over the edge?

Ha. Ha ha ha ha. Hahahahahahaha. Oh, hindsight, you are such a sanctimonious asshole.

Before I had S., I imagined that the days of my maternity leave would be full of long, languid stretches of baby nap time that I could spend reflecting on motherhood, thinking up funny things to say about it, and regaling you with stories that would catch the eye of some book agent who would sign me immediately for a debut nonfiction bestseller, Mother Eff: Getting Through The First Year Gracelessly.

I thought that at the very least writing one post a week would be easy. But S. has other plans. I have, I am learning, what some might call a "high needs baby." He sleeps restlessly. He cries easily. He eschews Mary J. Blige's call for no more drama. Look, I love him forever and there are a few hours a day when he is a sweet, gurgling charmer, but a mellow baby he is not. When he gets really worked up, Jeff and I have taken to quoting from Say Anything:

"You must chill! You must chill! I have hidden your Firebird keys! Chill!" 

He doesn't get it.

The first thing people always ask is if he is sleeping. And the answer is, it's complicated. I mean, yes, he sleeps, but he prefers to sleep on my body, and does not enjoy being removed from the warm embrace of my spit up-stained sweater. If I wait for about twenty minutes, sometimes he will stay asleep when I gingerly transfer him to the bassinet like I am holding a live--and irritable--bomb. But most of the time he will instantly wake, giving me a look that says, "Bitch, you did not just do that." And then he will cry.

Even on my lap, his sleep is not always sound. If, for instance, he falls asleep nursing and then loses his vise-like grip on the nip, a violent Stevie Wonder-like head bob ensues, accompanied by a shrill wail. "WHERE IS MY NIPPLE?!?" he seems to say. "WHERE THE FUCK IS MY NIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEE?!?!?! SHAKESPEARE CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF, FOR THIS IS REAL TRAGEDY. THIS IS TRUE PAIN." Other times, I will move ever so slightly, or Jeff will cough, or a flea somewhere in the country will softly sigh, and he will startle, and we'll have to start the sleep process from scratch, bouncing wearily on our giant exercise ball.

This is all a long way of saying that I have about ten minutes total during the day when I have free use of both hands, and if there is a muffin anywhere in the vicinity the blog is screwed.

On Thursday, he is two months old. I am told it will get better. Please hang in there until it does.

Lucky for him he's cute.



  1. Anyone who is a parent knows exactly what you're talking about. Hang in there, it gets better.

    And your readers aren't going anywhere, so don't sweat it.

  2. Rest assured it will get better (i´ve had 3).

    You will soon begin to enjoy your free time when S turns into a sound sleeper. By the time he is 2 years old you could be enjoying as much as half an hour a day of time all to yourself! There´s something to look forward to :)

  3. He is insanely beautiful. And it will get better. I had two "high need" babies, and they've turned into the most remarkable and self-sufficient (almost) 5 and 7 year olds. Like to the point where if someone came by once a week to deliver groceries and take the trash out (which they'd have bagged and ready to go, and recycling sorted and bagged as well), I don't think they'd have a use for me anymore. Really, my four year old can cook eggs and peel and chop veggies. Just keep plugging away at it, and find a carrier that works for both of you. I loved the shit out of my podegi, as it was infinitely adjustable to task and child size/preferences, and was able to do almost anything I needed done while the kid slept attached to me. And so long as you've not hung up the blog for good, I, at least, will keep reading.

  4. i believe you, but Jeff sure is awesome at catching the sweet moments on camera!

  5. I just found your blog and have taken to stalking a "I find you completely hilarious way," of course. I have 2 boys...the younger one is 4 months, so I relate to all the sleeping woes. He is just now starting to sleep through the night, so you aren't far from feeling human again. S** is a doll...congrats!

  6. If you teach him to sleep in utter silence he will be a picky sleeper. He'll get tired.... eventually

  7. My son is 3 1/2 months old, so these days are so fresh in my memory that I wanted to cry for you. I hope that you get some sleep soon! Also, he is adorable!

  8. You crack me up. As the veteran aunt of 10... may I suggest that you invest in a swaddle blanket and a white noise machine. The two combined will save your life and your marriage. (swaddle blanket; $9; just an example).

  9. It will definitely get better. By the way, this is why I get so pissed off whenever anyone calls maternity leave a vacation. Those people can all go to hell.

    I had a tough sleeper too and one thing that helped was letting him sleep in his carrier. It did the trick but made me so damn nervous. Our pediatrician calmed my fears.

  10. My lovely and talented first daughter was a heavenly baby. Martha Stewart would have approved. She had one sleepless night, her first one home. A pacifier solved that in a heartbeat. From that point on, she slept 3 and 4 hours at a time, woke up, peeped and pooped, nursed, and went back to sleep for another 3 or 4 hours. After three weeks she SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT!! From 8 PM to 8 AM. And, in a move I should have videotaped, I watched her pull the pacifier out of her mouth at 3 months, while she slept, and never use it again.

    My lovely and talented second daughter was the baby from HELL. I nursed her on the table in the recovery room and noticed right away she kept sucking air. There's a name for this syndrome, I just can't remember what it is. She filled up with air before she got enough milk. So every 1.5 hours she was hungry again. Around the clock. For five straight weeks. She gained almost three pounds, but I was dying. She wouldn't take a bottle. Wouldn't take a pacifier. On top of that, she couldn't burp for some reason. Nothing worked. And she would wake up screaming from the discomfort. I'd run to get her and suddenly realize she was still asleep. Plus she only pooped from midnight to 3 AM. The motherlode. Diaper after diaper after diaper. Meanwhile her 2 1/2 year old sister no longer napped.

    Two things happened. 1] One morning, exhausted, I brought Hell Baby into our bed to nurse her. I usually nursed her in her own room so I wouldn't wake hubba bubba. She fell asleep while nursing and slept soundly next to me for almost three hours. Hmmm. Later I learned that some babies do better sleeping with you -- something I didn't believe in, but I understand now. 2] When she was eleven weeks and still not sleeping through the night, I took a Dramamine before a plane flight because I was afraid of motion sickness. I nursed her on the plane and when we landed, she slept for 7 straight hours, a personal record. The pill had knocked her on her ass. My milk dispensers were about to explode when she finally woke up. I was also worried that I had permanently damaged her. Maybe it was just the timing, but she suddenly started sleeping through the night and keeping more regular hours. Hmmm.

    Which is just a long way of saying, like gas, it all passes.

  11. Schady Lady5:20 PM

    Ha! I was taking grad classes when my son was born. I went into it like it was no big deal. Newborns sleep 18 hours a day, right? I'll have plenty of time to read, write papers, do other homework related things. WRONG! I couldn't find time to do anything! Homework, cook, shower, sleep, NOTHING. And when he did sleep I was frantic to pick up my house, or wash my face, or pee, which is why I NEVER slept when the baby slept.

    I totally hear you. But it DOES get better! And he IS really cute! Hang in there.

  12. Girl, it really, truly does get better.

    In fact, parents are often most freaked out at 3-4 months because by then you're so completely sleep-deprived. At 4 months (or so, give it a couple of weeks flex) he'll start self-regulating. And when that happens...he'll be neurologically capable of soothing himself to sleep.

    And you'll start to gather back all the sleep you misplaced (where is it? Someplace.).

    I swear. Really.

    Also, if you haven't read Ask Moxie, you might like it. There's a ton of community discussion about baby issues, much of it sympathetic to the fact that every single common solution fails when it comes to *your* baby.

  13. Anonymous7:02 PM

    I still can't get anything done, my boys are 22, 20 and 14. I hear when they hit 30 it gets better. So I have, what, 16 more years....?

  14. Hang in there Una. My little baba is 3 months on Wednesday and is Low/Med needs and I have barely any time either. He's asleep in my arms right now. What saves me and my friend who has a high/high needs baby is baby wearing. I loved the sleepy wrap for the first while and then the moby wrap. Before he'd stay forever, now he want to get out to play, which is fine. Pop him in and you can walk around and get things done, including getting him to sleep. I saw you have the ergo, which I have to for when he is older. Tried it but we were both roasting with the infant insert. A lot of babies seem to like the wraps better when they are so little.
    Also, you probably know this already, but do you the wonder of the bouncy ball? I haven't met a fussy baby yet that isn't happier in anybody's arms when they are bouncing on an exercise/birth ball.

    I love gossip girl too and have always had gg nights with 4-6 friends. Invite your babyless friends over, order in food (or cook because you'll actually have some time in this scenario) and they'll fight to take turns to bounce the baby on the ball. You'll only get him back for feeds and they'll think he never cries! It works for us and is a nice start to the week when you are adjusting to being alone during the day by yourself.
    Lastly, where I live (LA), there are mommy and me movies in the Pacific chain of theatres on Monday mornings that show grown up movies (not adult movies as I told one Mama, mentioning that it was full of breastfeeding Mamas and the occasional non-parent!). You should see if they have them in New York. I see more movies than my husband at the moment, and I feel a part of the non-parental world a little bit.

    This is a long message to leave, but these are things that helped me and I have really appreciated the support of other mamas who are strangers but just a little bit down the line from me so I hope it helps.

  15. Same prob with the boy (who is now a man) and he didn't sleep EVER. And I thought I would die. Did NOT sleep through the night until he was three! I am not joking or trying to scare you, but there it is.
    This is what I think: when he is fourteen and a huge pain in your a$$, throw this back at him. When he's fifty-five and trying to find you a nursing home, remind him of his horrid baby ways and make him pay for the one with the amenities, like indoor shuffleboard.
    Paybacks, a B., S.

  16. Ain't it a kick? Living with your first baby is so much more wonderful and so much more work than you could have ever imagined it would be.
    My first born son was also demanding. He'd wake up in full blown scream mode until I got him just where he wanted to be, nothing more, nothing less.
    He gave me auditory hallucinations. Swear. As soon as I'd step in the shower or turn on the laundry, I'd hear him screaming. Took a few times of wrapping a towel around my soapy self and running to look at him until I realized it was all in my head.
    It resulted in permanent damage. If I'm in a store and hear a newborn crying, I still hear it when I get in my car. I sit a few minutes, and it fades.
    My second and third babies were easier :).
    It does get better. Another month should bring some nice changes. Hang in there.

  17. Anonymous7:45 PM

    He is so cute. I'm sorry for the lack of sleep. I'll try to keep my fleas a little more quiet over here. I hope it helps.

  18. Anonymous8:08 PM

    Don't let anyone tell you what you to do.. that holding him too much is not good or anything like that. Do what you need to do to get him (and you) the most amount of sleep possible. I held mine a lot for the first couple months of his life. It was so much easier to let him sleep in my arms for a long amount of time than to have him sleep for a short amount of time in the bassinet. Eventually he will grow out of that and be easier to put down. Take naps with him at least once a day so that you both get rest! Dr. Sears website is great for all questions about sleeping, co-sleeping, and more. It gives a lot of encouragement for parents who prefer no-cry methods over cry-it-out methods (for the future--- he is too young for cry-it-out if you do choose to go that way). I will get easier by the week from this point on. Enjoy!

  19. Oh my gosh you make me grandson is 7 weeks old and I had forgotten how little time there is for anything but babies...hang in there - it does get easier!!

  20. Oh, you are describing my life....especially 2 months ago. It's getting better, but now she's only napping 30 min at a time only 3 times a day. And she resists it like I'm stickin pins in her eyes instead of lovingly nursing her on the bed. Sigh. Anyway, just want to say stay strong lady! Also, I know youre getting tons of advice...but...for what it's worth...we decided to go whole hog and do co-sleeping, which has made a huge difference - nights are really good now. Just side-lying nursing while sleepy/sleeping and she sleeps so much better. Dr. Sears has some info. Also dr. James macena at Norte dame. And la Leche league. I've done a ton of research of you want to discuss

  21. Anonymous8:50 PM

    Maria Pignataro Nielsen forwarded me the link to this blog because as a new mother myself (D was born August 9) she thought I might enjoy. I read this while feeding at 5am, and laughed out loud - causing Dominic to fall off from that beloved nipple with an outraged expression on his little face. Hang in there.

  22. SERIOUSLY it passes. i HATED hearing people telling me that. I seriously wanted to just slap people whenever they'd say it and I was envious that they even got to that level of motherhood where they could say it. Then it happened, my daughter became 'drama free' (for longer stretches, not like on a 24/7 thing) and it became MUCH easier to do as I wanted, to plan better, to workout without having to stop the DVD every 3 min. to show her that 'mommy is not being hurt with her leg up in the air that way'. So I say to you 'this too shall pass'....if you hunt me down and find me I give you the honor of slapping me just because it seems you need to get some stress off your back! :-)

  23. You don't get anything useful done... ever! Your life's on hold for the next 18 years! Somewhere though, magically, some months down the road you emerge from the regurgitated breastmilk stupour, the bags under your eyes having somehow become attractive along the way and he'll be sleeping through the night as will you! I used to hate the knowing "you'll get through it" stories... but we do get through it, all of us... unless you're an infanticidal French mother with a deep freezer.

  24. It does get better. Imagine what he just went through. I mean really. Look what he just went through.

    Just know that you will go crazy and that's good. That means that sanity is the next step.

  25. Anonymous12:16 AM

    Agree with all the above, it truly DOES get easier. After two easy girls who slept through the night at 5 weeks each, then came my son... I ended up kicking the (now-ex) out and sleeping with the kid so I could just whip out the boob and put him back to sleep. That was the only way ANY of us got any rest for about 6 months. But they grow, and they get better :o) We're patient, you enjoy those smiles and that 20 minutes of preciousness!

  26. Anonymous1:35 AM

    My son is 6, I have forgotten all the pain and suffering and am considering having just one more. My S. is the best thing that ever happened to me, and those early years just flew by. Try to enjoy it.

  27. There's nothing worse than hearing "have you tried...(fill in most obvious solution that you tried on the second day and it didn't work)?" But I'm with Nicole, and am wondering if you've tried swaddling him. The first time a friend of mine swaddled my very high maintenance son, he slept for 6 hours straight. I cried.
    Also, I was a bad mother and used to lie down on my bed with my son and feed him until he fell asleep. Then I'd ease my nipple out of his mouth, do a stealthy commando-style roll off the bed, surround him with pillows, and beat a hasty retreat. He napped like that until I stopped breastfeeding him at 13 months. It was the ONLY way I could get him to sleep!

  28. Anonymous10:12 AM

    I feel you! My daughter was incredibly high maintenence. She has a crazy high metabolism, so she would nurse literally all the time. She nursed while trying to go to sleep, and if she did go to sleep, she would wake up 10 mins later wanting to nurse again. I couldn't take her anywhere because all she wanted to do was cry. The very second she was born, she was screaming, and screamed so bad and so long that they took her back to the nursery right away becasue they never heard a baby cry like that, and thought something was wrong with her.
    The swing worked great, and she slept really well in it. And of course, no mommy likes hearing this, but crying doesnt hurt them, so sometimes you just have to put them down and walk away. Something you could try is changing his sleep position. I got one of those things you put in the bassinet so they can't roll around, and I always put her on her side. That was how she slept the best.
    Of course, now she is 2 and those sleepy time cuddles are extremely rare, so enjoy them while you can. :)

  29. Anonymous10:50 AM

    I had two high-needs babies. The first one (now almost 8 years old) continues to be a total pain in the ass who believes it her life's mission to spread misery throughout the world. The second one didn't sleep until she was nearly 3 years old, but is now fairly low-maintenance.

    Anyway, my point is, it might get better, it might not. It will definitely change. You have no control whatsoever. I'm sorry this isn't very comforting....

    Hang in there!

  30. Fear not, it will get better - when you kick them out at 18 years old!!! Just kidding. But, not really, heh.

  31. Whoever said "cherish babies, they grow up so fast" never had a screaming child who will not be quelled by even the sweetest of Mary J. Blige songs (nice reference by the way).

    My brother and sister-in-law had a ton of success with Sleep Training. Its rigorous and you have to maintain a strict schedule to get it down, but with patience it works really well. The book is here :

    Called Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.

    Good luck!

  32. Anonymous7:07 PM

    This is about the age my daughter was when I finally tired of her instantly popping awake when I'd tranfer her to something other than my boob or lap. I may have mentioned it before, but that is when I was given the book "Healthy Sleeping Habits, Happy Child". It changed my life. It required making M cry it out, and that's not easy, even with a couple bottles of wine. But so worth it. From that point on she took 3 naps and went to bed at 5:30pm to 6am. Talk about ME TIME! Think about it. And remember, bad sleeping habits can follow children all their lives. Crying it out allows a baby to learn to soothe themselves to sleep and stay sleeping. And trust me, your baby won't hate you for doing so. Just a suggestion....

  33. Maiken11:31 PM

    I have read all these comments and am on the "it will get better" bandwagon. My daughter (who is now 9 months old) was so big when she was born, that she probably could not nurse long enough to get full. Whatever the reason, the point was that there were times when she nursed every 20 minutes. It was ridiculous for the first 2 months! Because my husband was away she was sleeping next to me and that was the only way either of us would get some sleep. I also took a LOT of naps because in my opinion my sanity was far more important than a clean kitchen.

    Also, I started going on walks with her as soon as it was allowed. That was the only time she would sleep for 2-4 hours straight. I would walk with her in the pram for about an hour, plotting all the things I wanted to do (or dreaming of that nice nap), then quietly sneak her in, leave her to sleep it out in the pram after loosening her clothes a bit and went on my merry way for the next 2-3 hours. It was truly blissful!

    So yeah, it does get better. Until it gets worse again. :D My daughter is just starting to crawl and the happy little bundle of joy who would quietly coo at her toys is now always up to no good. The only sufficiently baby-proofed room would be one of those padded crazy rooms. I am looking forward to the coming months! :)

    Thank God, they are adorable!!!! Oh, and look at the bright side: since you have been through Hell, the teething is going to be a familiar ground to walk. :)

  34. My second baby had colic and my first baby was only 20 months and it was an ice-cold January in the middle of France where I knew no one and didn't have my French driver's license. I thought it couldn't get worse, but I'm now 42 and pregnant with my fourth (surprise) and throwing up all day. So ... it's all about perspective. Oh, and I get lots done. My kids are clothed and fed.

  35. Anonymous3:08 AM

    Does swaddling work, or wearing him in a sling/wrap while he nurses or sleeps (so Momma can be hands-free)? Another lifesaver for me was the exhaust fan in the bathroom - great white noise - I strapped my little one in a bouncy chair & put it in the bathroom. Instant calm.

  36. He's adorable! Make the needy baby happy, your absence just gives me more time to catch up on gossip girl plot lines and half assed exercise tapes.

  37. Anonymous9:24 AM

    What? Didn't you see 16 and Pregnant? DIdn't you know it's hard being a teen mom out there? Oh, right, you're not a teen. Anyway. Yah, it's still hard. My pediatrician recommends 'the happiest baby on the block'. The DVD is short enough to watch, repetitive enough for the 5 S soothing techniques to seep into sleep deprived parent brains, and has some white noise sounds at the end you can try out on the baby. Are you baby wearing? Toss the little dude in a sling or whatever carrier you chose and maybe he'll sleep more easily, or rather, at least free up your hands to do the ever-important blogging? Oh, don't hate me if you've tried and it's not worked. I'm just trying to remind you (like the other 32 comments) that you're not alone. And give you the hope that yes, at about 3 months it gets better.... usually. Sometimes, not so much. And then there are growth spurts and teething that can throw everything for a loop. But keep hoping. I personally couldn't do anything that required crying it out, and I baby wore, which really worked for me. Hope it works for you.

  38. My baby is 23 hours older than yours as I recall, and we too have what "What to Expect" calls an "Active Baby." When he gets startled (sneezing or blowing my nose is a frequent offender) or upset by anything, he'll start to cry and then suddenly I'm playing that game "Perfection" where you have to put all the pieces into their slots JUST SO or else the entire contraption will POP and ruin everything-- so, we have about 30 seconds to fix the baby--pop a boob or a paci into his mouth, hold and rock him, whatever--or else POP! goes Perfection and his lower lip quivers and he lets out a shrieking cry that sounds like a billy goat in a blender.

  39. S sounds a lot like my daughter as an infant (who's name is also S). She was hell on wheels, didn't sleep and made me question my sanity on a regular basis. What I suspect now, that I didn't know about then, is that she had silent reflux. What makes me ponder this about your S is that he's a restless sleeper and wants to nurse constantly. My suggestion to you is to talk to your pediatrician about acid reflux medication. It won't hurt and there's a tremendous potential that it will help.

  40. stated4all6:40 PM

    To echo all of these--we will still be here and y'all will get through it. The sense of humor may not make it easier, but it will make the stories about it better!

  41. Groan....

    In the meantime, have Jeff swing by Barnes and Noble for this:

  42. It does get better. My son was like that. Around 4 months of age I was able to put him down and he would sleep! I would have to crawl out of his room on my stomach, like an army crawl, and sometimes he would still wake up and scream, but the majority of the time he would stay asleep. Hang in there!

  43. Over from insert eyeroll. Enjoy your work. The whole sleeping thing will get a lot better but, then again, his nip grip will get A LOT stronger so, 6 of one . . .

  44. Anonymous1:37 AM

    My oldest was just like that and it was freaking brutal. Cuteness only goes so far when your nipples are falling off. Kudos to you for keeping your sense of humor. And for writing!

  45. It's really a through the looking glass type thing isn't it?

    It may take a while, but eventually, you will start to feel human and rested again.

    When you start having time and sleep, down the road, you'll have enough energy to look at first time pregnant ladies, walking around all smug about how great it's going to be and how fun it is to be becoming a parent and all the plans they have of this and that and you will snort and roll your eyes and laugh and think: chumps.

    You've broke on through to the other side! Welcome to parenthood mi'lady!

    PS: It gets sooooo much more fun when they start to walk and talk. Like more fun and amazing than anything you have ever done. Word up.

  46. Anonymous9:50 AM

    I'm pretty sure I uttered the exact title of this post a million times during the first six months of my kiddo's life. I also wondered, how on earth does anyone have more babies after they've been through THIS?! (I had a high-needs baby, too.) A good day for me was a day that I had a shower. If I could accomplish that, at least it was a step towards feeling human. I honestly don't know how I managed to keep our household afloat, though.

    It does, like all your other commenters say, get easier, but there is an aspect of adjusted expectations, too. And acceptance of that. Some things fall by the wayside - and having been a mother for 18 months now, I'm still trying to figure out which things are worth clinging to and which are worth letting go.

    And like godzillabun said, once they start to walk and talk it gets a lot more fun. I have found myself thinking lately, "if colic hell was what we had to go through to get here, I guess it was worth it." Because it is miraculous and amazing and a lot of fun - not all the time, but enough to mitigate most of the early days.

  47. I have a "high needs" baby as well. She's almost 6 months. She is still exactly like this. I'm still hanging in there because of people promising it will get better but sometimes I want to get in their faces and scream WHEN!?!?! WHEN SHE'S 30!?!?!

  48. Well it sounds amusing when you write it like that, but then I remembered that it's really not!

    Your story reminds me of my eldest. I carried him against my body for literally the first 6 months of his life, if not longer, and for the first 4 months he was feeding every 1 - 1.5 hours and obviously only having short difficult sleeps in between. God it was exhausting - I looked like a zombie from the lack of sleep and excessive feeding and lugging, and felt like I was going mad!

    My initial suggestion is that you decide on the approach you want to take and stick to it so that your son can learn it. And if things don't get easier, do you have baby sleep classes or that sort of thing over there that you can get referred to?

  49. Honestly, I think it gets worse before it gets better. Our baby is 6 months and she sleeps less than when she was younger!

  50. Oh, I've just come on after a while and seen you haven't updated, you must be having a hell of a time right now!

    I have all this to come...(remember the random who popped up on FB asking about kegel balls? That's me). 7 months gone, and I'm getting as much from all these comments as you are. Your blog is becoming like an encyclopaedia that I will reference for every little thing one my little one arrives :)

    Keep up the good work, he's a beautiful squishy little man xxx

  51. Heather6:37 PM

    This tip worked for my son when transferring him from the warmth of my bosom to the cold bassinet/crib. While you are nursing S. to sleep, use a heating pad to warm the bassinet mattress. Remove the heating pad just before laying him down in the warm spot. Hope it helps!

  52. Anonymous2:44 AM

    When I was S's age, my mother turned me over to HER mother, and I was bottle fed from then on. My mother was away for weeks at a time. S is very lucky to have you both.


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