Monday, October 17, 2011

Pump Up the Jam

I have this book I read over the summer called "Breastfeeding Made Simple". Today I pointedly farted on it.

OK, that's a lie. I didn't. But I should have. Because breastfeeding? Not so simple for me.

Exhibit A:

I MS Painted some shorts on myself for everyone's sakes.
That's how you're supposed to breastfeed an infant when you have a clogged duct on the underside of your boob. My atrophied triceps and thigh muscles were not amused. Then again, on the plus side, he's going to be great at shotgunning beers someday.

Exhibit B:

#YouKnowAWhiteGirlHasAFeverWhen she starts flashing pretend gang signs.
That's me throwing up "I'm hardcore" fingers with a 102-degree fever right before feeding S. on a breast that seriously looked like a Macy's Day float filled not with air but with the burning fire of a thousand angry suns. Right around Wednesday of last week, my girls started resembling Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger from the movie Twins:  one was red and rippling like one of Mr. Universe's steroid-laced glutes, the other was soft and tubby and started making its own limoncello. I would rather have watched that movie than had mastitis, though. In fact, I would rather have given birth again. I'm totally serious. At one point I was sobbing and biting down on a wooden spoon while feeding S. on my teat o' pain and watching the Breaking Bad finale. He already has lots to talk about in therapy. I do what I can.

Exhibit C:


This is my new BFF, an Ameda elite breast pump. I love that it looks like a '50s typewriter, or some kind of stenographer's machine that your tits dictate into. "Take this down, Ameda. I'm feeling a bit nippy today!" Whenever I'm not feeding the little man, refreshing the various cotton pads that line my entire body, or picking out my least stained pair of Christmas-themed pajama pants to wear in order to seduce Jeff into ordering me Thai food, I am hooked up to this thing like a Holstein. A very underachieving Holstein, I might add. My cups do not currently runneth over, they dribbleth out.

So, I think I've provided you with enough sexy mental (and physical) images for the week. You are totally welcome, as always. Don't say I never gave you anything.
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31 comments :

  1. Well, on a positive note...you look REALLY good. Your body is awesome. I mean, you look better than I look, and I had my baby over four years ago. So there's that.

    I hope you feel better soon, Una. ♥

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  2. Heather11:19 PM

    You poor thing - I hope the mastitis clears up soon. I had it twice, and while I'm not so sure I'd rather repeat labor, it was not fun.

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  3. You are a good mommy.

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  4. I clearly remember, in intimate detail, what was around me in the room when my baby latched on to my mastitis boob and my toes curled and in my head I was Courtney Love screaming obscenities. But dang it if that baby wasn't still cute. And I can see that yours is completely adorable, even obscured by your down dog. Congrats, and be well, angry titty.

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  5. How the fartsnot can you be so funny with mastitis?

    You are a warrior.

    Had that. All I could think was if what's-his-face hadn't invented penicillin I would surely die soon.

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  6. I've been wondering what lengths I will go to in order to breastfeed my little'un rather than resort to formula.

    I now have a bar of reference....if I haven't tried doggy style then I haven't done enough....but I tell thee, if doggy-style doesn't work then those bottles are coming out.

    What a great momman you are, and I echo TB, your body looks incredible...grrr

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  7. I feel blessed being a man. How do you put up with all that? You're a brave, resilient, and dedicated mum. Good luck...I feel queasy and need a glass of water

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  8. I skipped the joys of mastitis and went the cracked and bleeding nip route. I would just cry when the clock displayed a time anywhere near a feeding. Hope things clear up soon!

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  9. I had a vague recollection of the meaning of mastitis from having had three children myself a bunch of years ago, but after your last post, I looked it up. Damn, girl, that's no joke! Yet, somehow, you have me giggling about it. That machine does look archaic.
    Wish I could bring you a meal or do your laundry or something for you. Best I can offer here is to feel better soon.

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  10. Welcome to the world of pumping, my dear! It is a wonderful, lovely world. I tried to breastfeed my first son, and quickly switched to only pumping, and for my second, I hugged that mofo like there was no tomorrow. Just remember, it's the milk that's important, not the way they get it!!! Congrats!

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  11. You can do it Una! My wife made it a year with both of our kids, clogging only early on with our first (Thermacare heat wraps,the ones for your wrist work pretty well apparently). With triplets on the way, she's still trying to figure out the logistics. Pretty sure you should be limited to the number of boobs you have when it comes to how many babies you make at the same time!

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  12. Maiken9:53 AM

    I tip my hat to you! There are so many women who give up breast feeding just because they want more sleep or because they are uncomfortable doing it in public and here you are: struggling through mastitis right after giving birth, but determined to continue breast feeding. I was very close to giving up on several occasions during those first 2 months, but I am extremely glad I did not. It gets easier, it pays off, and best of all: priceless guilt conversations for the future when the little ones are not understanding the gravity of "me-mommy, you-child!"

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  13. I'm pretty sure this adds to my reasons to refrain from procreating.

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  14. If it's any consolation, you still look fab, even with a 102 degree temp...!

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  15. While everyone else is gaga over your baby and post-birth bod (congrats on both, btw) I could not help noticing your eyebrows.

    Did you wax just before your due date? They look amazing! Loved the riff on evil unibrow-sporting characters on aiming low. If I could figure out how to do so on my iPod, I'd include a link.

    Brilliant writing, as always.

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  16. I'm sorry you're going through all this. I had a cracked nipple and that was bad enough. Good luck with all of this. I'm currently dealing with a 5 week old that spits up every time she eats. I'm soaked in my own breast milk.

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  17. Lolztown, USA. Una is the mayoress. Nay, the president, unimpeachable. <3

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  18. You are a rockstar, Una. No one tells you that breast feeding is going to be harder than the actual birth.

    But I promise, hang in there, and it becomes this really wonderful amazing thing. My first couldn't do it because she didn't have a sucking reflex (long story) so I pumped. For a year. I was so looking forward to trying this with my second, and within two days I was like, "Hell no." I was seriously gazing fondly at the breast pump which had always been quite kind to me!

    But within a few weeks, it all smoothed out and was fantastic. And I was quite sad when he gave it up at the 1 year mark.

    I love how we are all like, "So sorry about the mastitis. But you look marvelous!"

    You do BTW.

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  19. Oh god you're amazingly awesome and funny. Go Una go!! Xo

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  20. As I type this to you, I am sitting here with cabbage leafs in my bra after, only moments ago, literally crying with happiness when the pharmacy delivered my triple nipple cream. I keep trying to tell myself that every time I'm in pain as he's latching on is one less time I'll have to sweat it out on the treadmill later... Good luck! Glad to know we're sticking it out together!

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  21. I had a hospital grade pump that'd could pull even my quaking, inverted nipples a good four inches! The Breast Nazis really know how to crap on early motherhood. Hang in there and NO GUILT regardless of feeding choice.

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  22. Anonymous1:28 PM

    Holy crap! I am so sorry that you have mastitis. It is absolutely horrid. I am also nursed practically hanging upside down! Rest as much as you can...Hope it clears up very, very soon.

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  23. Tracy3:15 PM

    Takes me back to the days of trying to soak my breast in warm water in a Rubbermaid container. Hang in there. It gets easier.

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  24. Been there, done that, remember that pain in my armpit vividly :( First kid - no problem - he nursed EVERY 2 HOURS, until he started cutting teeth at 10 weeks and it was time to move on. 2nd kid - couldn't keep him awake long enough to empty both sides, and the pump was my friend - especially as I had a manual one the first time that was pretty awful!

    Hang in there, it does get better (though my 14 & 18 yo might lead you to believe otherwise)...

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  25. Random Internet reader here and new mom since March. Read this yesterday and came back today to tell you how much I appreciate you discussing this, and with pictures no less! Thanks for making this funny and casual and not weird.

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  26. Oh nooooo. Ouch! I hope you feel better soon.

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  27. I just knew that your posts about being a mom would be awesome! Sorry about the mastitis, but good job keeping your sense of humor and your dedication to the cause.

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  28. Ach! There should be a It Gets Better campaign for breastfeeding, too.. because it does. I nursed my daughter til her second birthday, and my son til 19 months, and I'm so glad that I did, for so many reasons. (I saw a comment about the kids cutting teeth - the best advice I ever got about kids gnawing on your nipples is to not pull away, which is your instinct but makes them bite down more, or to yell out or make faces, which they find funny and will try to cause again and again, but to lean towards them, using your breast to - this sounds horrible, but - lightly smother them for a second, which will make them release and usually only takes one or two times for them to learn not to. I didn't have this problem with my son, but my daughter thought she had a mommy-teething-biscuit). Best of luck, and I'm loving the new mom posts!

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  29. Anonymous11:26 AM

    Oh, I feel for you! I had blocked ducts all the time when my son was nursing, and remember vividly rotating my son's body, like the hands of a clock, around my boob, changing his position for each feeding or each time he unlatched, in order to try to prevent underused ducts from blocking. My son was also a little vampire, refusing to nurse during daylight hours, making my rapidly and painfully overfilling boobs wait until night time, and then feeding on me virtually all night long. I was a wimp about refusing to feed him on demand at night to get him on a better schedule, so this went on for an absurd amount of time (almost a year and a half of having him nurse only at night, even when he was eating solid foods in the day). It disrupted my sleep pattern in ways I never quite recovered from (Sixteen years later, I still wake up like clockwork every 2-3 hours). But the blocked ducts sorted themselves out after a few months and never came back. I'm hoping yours adjust even more rapidly!

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  30. Cristina1:09 PM

    That first photo has me thinking my late-night nursing idea for an invention isn't a bad one. I am currently nursing twins (currently, as in, while I type) and long for the days of nursing while laying down. I'm thinking someone should make a harness, like Tom Cruise uses in Mission Impossible, that will safely suspend me from the ceiling over my children so that I may nurse while sleeping. Judging by your top photo, I think there's a market for it! (and I'm only half joking here)

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  31. You have me laughing and crying. Never had mastitis, but plenty of clogged ducts. My midwife recommended lecithin supplements (found in your average drug store) 1500mgs 1-3xs a day. It helped me. And hot showers. And yes, unfortunately, nursing through the pain. I'm so sorry. I'm weaning my 16 month old right now, and I'm both sad and relieved, but it pains me that i can no longer nurse him to make everything alright. It also pains me that my tits are all engorged and painfully precede me everywhere.

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