Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Amazing Talents of the Newborn

So, you know what's not fun? Mastitis. Which is what happens when boobs stop being polite and start being real, if realness can be measured in searing pain and fever. Between the jacked up nipples and this nonsense, there is so much drama going on with my mammaries that they should have their own soap opera. Tits of Our Lives, maybe, or Nips Landing.

Anyway. Before I fell ill, my mom gave us this DVD called "Amazing Talents of the Newborn." It's about how babies can mimic your facial expressions, crawl down to their mother's breast to feed, handle a power drill with surprising accuracy, etc. But having observed Baby S. for 17 days now, I decided to start my own list.

1.The innate Black Power salute:

He also does a "Heil Hitler," but it's not as cute.
2. The unbelievable ability to shoot poop up underneath their own tiny balls.

3. The Spidey sense to wake up screaming precisely 30 seconds after you finally fall asleep.

4. Stealing second base:


5. Accessorizing on a budget:


More to come as soon as I recover. And please let me know if you have any specific questions you want me to answer on the blog about the birth or first few weeks. I've been understandably distracted (mostly with scrotal cleaning--that shit is no joke).
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25 comments :

  1. Congratulations on your darling, obviously above average in every way babe. I hope you are feeling spiffy soon.

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  2. I have three boys. Cleaning poop off of their respective scrotums was one of my least favourite things. I never suffered the ills of mastitis, thank God but cracked nipples and I are no stranger.

    I don't have any questions but just wanted to say it sounds like you are the phenomenal mother all of us (your ever faithful readers) knew you would be and S is all kinds of cute!

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  3. Wait til you fall asleep with the pump on...

    Congratulations!

    Gillian from Baby Talk without the Babble

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  4. It's not only boys who have special pooping abilities - I swear my daughter goes out of her way to fill every little fold down there! I've even found poo in her leg fat OUTSIDE HER NAPPY.

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  5. I just had my first baby less than 24 hours before you and a friend just sent me a link to your blog. I feel like we are lving the same life right now. Son peeing on his own face? Check. Listening to Ocean Waves mp3s? Check. The only place where I might have you beat is that my son CAME OUT OF ME doing the Black Panther salute-- the nurses tried to say he "looked like Superman," but I knew what it really looked like. And felt like. Oh yes.

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  6. In spite of the ball-poop, I am basically in smit by proxy (also the name of my band) with the new addition. Adorbs.

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  7. Owwww! I hope you feel better soon. Mastitis is no joke.

    Did any of your neighbors hear the labor/birth? When you give birth at home, how do you get a birth certificate? I've always wondered that.

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  8. I think accessorizing on a budget is my favourite innate skil, so glad to know that can be passed on to one's children

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  9. All I can say is: when you're changing a baby that has projectile poop, keep your mouth shut!

    That is all.

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  10. Nicole11:00 PM

    Mastitis is a bitch. Keep nursing, though, that's the best medicine for it. Oh, and the stealing of 2nd base only becomes more frequent as they get older :)

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  11. One of these days I'm going to figure out why I saw "martinis" instead of "mastitis"....

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  12. I've just found out that I'm having a little boy, and I'm wondering how I'm going to deal with this scrotum business....

    The whole peenie in general really, apparently it sticks up and they pee in their own faces (I believe you mentioned this before) and can pee straight out of their nappy if you don't point it down as you change the nappy??!!

    Oh god....what have I done?

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  13. I got mastitis one time with each of my kids, and it was a total bitch. But breastfeeding is such a wonderful gift to Baby S, so I hope you keep it up! I have loved your blog for a few years now and can't wait to follow your new adventures! Congrats on your beautiful boy!!!

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  14. At least with a boy all the poops messes remain on the outside of his body. I never knew how many creases we girls have until I had to try and clean green slimy poops from them.

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  15. Wow that kid has a lot of hair! I'd be interested in all the gorey details that you'd be interested in sharing. How did Jeff handle things? Was he nervous about the home birth, were you? Did the neighbors hear anything? How long did it last? Are you one of those ladies that say it was the most amazing and beautiful experience ever or was it just "worth it"?

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  16. Well, you're certainly not alone in all that! We all feel your pain. Hang in there.

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  17. joycelyn12:13 PM

    so you didn't ask for it, butI'm good at giving unsolicited advice. Put fresh cabbage leaves in your bra. seriously. it helps with the engorgement so much, I thought it was all hooey until I got the big M when nursing my babes. Also when nursing S position his little chin so it points at the most tender spot of your breast. it makes for some funny positions (I found it easiest to do this lying on my bed). I hope you feel better ASAP so you can continue to enjoy S and share your adventures with us.

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  18. eeks - hope you get better quick.

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  19. Hope your ouchies feel better soon...

    Baby S...very cute, all things poop are forgiven.

    How is hubby? We've heard neither hide nor hair of him since the big event!

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  20. As a boy mom, I laughed out loud at #2 (which is, appropriately, about #2).

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  21. Una, Baby S is absolutely adorable. His parents looked happy, if sleep-deprived. Good work, girl. And it appears that you've gotten some good advice from readers, too.

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  22. Anonymous4:18 PM

    I had my son on Sept. 23 so I'm right there with you sister! I narrowly avoided the mastitis with some timely advice from my mother. So sorry to hear you have it - get well soon! Cleaning mustard yellow boogers off your son's scrotum never loses its charm, or so I hear. It is nice to know that I'm not the only one writing my long lost bed love letters and making false promises that I'll be back soon... Candace

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  23. Anonymous1:18 AM

    he's super cute!! :) congratulations!

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  24. Congrats on your precious baby boy. My first grandson was born October 1st so I'm relating and laughing at your post. Can't wait to follow along...

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