Monday, September 19, 2011

Three One-Sentence Emmy Rants

After years spent not actually watching awards shows so much as attempting to frantically transcribe them via live-blog (a feat made no less difficult by my hunt-and-peck typing skills*), it was a relief to be able to sit back and watch the Emmys last night like a normal person. However, I feel the need to go on record with a few things:

1. Julianna Margulies Is Gorgeous, So Why Is She Dressed Like A Decorative Floor Lamp Inspired By Crystal Barbie? 

On the upside, the bodice really makes me want to play Mancala.
2. The Death-O-Meter Montage of Fallen Stars Requires Neither An 80s Space Graphic Background Nor A Bunch of Canadians Dressed Up Like 98 Degrees Doing A Bad Jeff Buckley Cover At A Hot Topic-Sponsored Funeral In Front of a Fog Machine

Dude on the left: TAKE OFF YOUR FEDORA. You are indoors, and you are not Wyclef.
3. Paz de la Huerta's Makeup Artist Needs To Stop Drinking

Paz also needs to cut her hair before it gets to third base.
As you were.

*I blame this on the fact that not long after he broke up with me, my first real boyfriend gave me "Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing" for my birthday, and therefore I now equate nimble typing with heartbreak. That, or I am just really lazy.


  1. I agree about the magnifying glass dress. I could not stop staring at those little glass blobs. Horrible.

    I may not be the best person to go to for opinions on fashion, though, because I am (seemingly) the only one in America who liked Gwyneth Paltrow's getup. If I had her stomach, I'd probably take every opportunity to show it off too. Also, I just thought it was pretty. But what do I know?

  2. All I can say crack me up every time!!!

  3. Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" is probably my alltime favorite song, but their arrangement was way over the top. Nobody does it better than kd lang. My favorite Emmy moment was the nominated lead actresses staging their own beauty pageant.

  4. I saw that floor lamp in the lobby of a highrise.
    There was so much bad fashion at the Emmy's. Maybe all the stylists retired or were at a baby shower for Rachel Zoe.
    Paz's problem is that she never starts off with a clean face, so it's years of foundation piled up there.
    Someone over at TLo commented that she looks like Pocohontos on heroin - made me giggle.

  5. Along with her psychic's crystal ball having babies and attaching themselves to her chest area, Julianna Marguiles was also the victim of bad hair...

    Did those not so fab 4 lads make themselves up some song lyrics for this most somber, turned hilarious, occasion? Or is this how Mr. Cohen actually wrote it and Jeff Buckley did his own thing with it? My vote is and always will be Jeff Buckley's version.

    Paz de la Huerta always looks like she needs a bath.

  6. There are plastic leeches on her dress, someone help her!

  7. I agree wholeheartedly - and I didn't even WATCH the damn show... And anyone touching a Jeff Buckley song should be drawn & quartered - just sayin'.

  8. Kristin5:31 PM

    OMG I USED TO HAVE MAVIS BEACON. I don't think we ever actually used the program, just made fun of the name mavis beacon enough to make it SUPER memorable.

  9. That last one - it's funny how people can look so serious, not realizing their hair extensions are falling out.

  10. Chrisy in Chicago5:06 PM

    BABY UPDATE PLEASE!!!!!! Looking at blog every 5 secs to see if you posted a pic or an update but NOTHING. ACCCK!

  11. Oh my god, i started reading your blog and couldn't stop laughing. You are so funny!

    Even your mother post made me laugh and cry (and not poop) with lovable happiness and bitchfaces comments.

  12. Haha, third base...


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