Wednesday, August 3, 2011

What's The Opposite of Breaking News?

So I'm sitting here in my underwear amid a pile of Tootsie Roll wrappers trying to think of a blog post that doesn't have to do with being knocked up, and all I can come up with is, Sometimes, I like to pick my nose using Q-Tips.

Just to clarify.
This is what I've been reduced to: Bizarre, pantsless confessions before 10 p.m. with no red wine in sight.

Once when I was a kid I made a fake newspaper for our family. It was called The Dean Street Gazette or something like that, with headlines like, "Fifi Wanders Off For Hours, Finally Discovered Under Guest Room Duvet." (Fifi was our cat--the one I accidentally exhumed from the grave while writing a stoned letter to my mom, remember?)

If I did that now, the front page news might be, "Air Conditioner Smells Faintly of Wet Garbage; Would Buy New One But Meh--Target Is Far," or "Monday Night Madness!! Jeff Breaks Down Boxes From Amazon; Una Writes Thank-You Notes While Half-Heartedly Watching The Tudors."

Not that my life is not awesome, because clearly it is--Jeff just walked by on his way to the kitchen and was all, "Do you need more Tootsie Rolls?" And I was like, "Um, YES, how did you know?" And he was all, "Because there are only two wrappers next to you, that's how." And I blushed and winked and decided not to tell him that there might be one or two more stuck to the underside of my thigh (I blame the leather couch)--but I just don't do very much anymore that doesn't fall under the category of eating, sleeping, or sitting in front of the fan palpating my stomach and wondering if Tums have an expiration date, or last forever like astronaut food or Twinkies.

So I guess this is just a long-winded way of saying that I don't write about anything but being pregnant these days because... well, see above.

But seriously, I do recommend the Q-Tip thing. Sanitary and satisfying. It's totally going in the op-eds this week.

Also: I wrote an article for The Observer this week about My Little Pony and the grown men who love them!


  1. Ah... pregnant life is swell, ain't it? My best friends right now are the couch and Netflix. And the jar of Nutella in the cupboard. I really want ice cream, but the store is so far away. Ooh... maybe I can freeze the Nutella...? Sorry, got sidetracked. That happens too. Showering is sometimes too much work, but it's not like I'm doing anything strenuous anyways, and I'm kicking myself for moving into a place where both bathrooms are on the third floor. Here's hoping you're better at enjoying the lazy days than I am! Almost there...

  2. I think you need to revive this family newspaper business. Sounds like a gold mine of awesome news. It reminds me of those free community newspapers that writes things about family yard sales and people planting gardens and getting saved by the Lord.

  3. Effleurage, by the way, is the fun and "professional" term for palpating your preggo belly. Fun fact of the day!

  4. Damn, now I need Tootsie Rolls and I am in no condition to warrant anyone being kind enough to go get me some. Arrrrgh, where are the car keys?!

  5. Q-Tip! Thanks for the Tribe Called Quest throwback :)

  6. totally start another family newspaper. and share it with us.

  7. Anonymous4:19 PM

    I have a tiny nose. Like, adorable but not convenient for nose picking. I use tweezers when I really need to get something out of there.

    Needless to say, this comment is going to be posted anonymously.

  8. That article is GREAT, dude! As somebody who doesn't really utilize the internet for anything other than its most surface elements, it's always extremely fascinating to read well-written reportage on the dynamics at play in its deeper recesses...

  9. I'm due September 28th. I'm in the same boat. When people ask about my life, all I can think to say is, "You'd be really surprised at how many times I get up in the middle of the night to pee," or, "sometimes when I stand up, it feels like my vagina is caving in."

    I've forgotten what it's like to be a normal person with non-vagina conversation pieces.

  10. Bahahaha! This was hilarious. Keep writing about being pregnant!

  11. Have you tried the wet q-tip? Best blow ever!

  12. I was pregnant with my first in NY and I used to come home and lie on the couch (after thinking at each stop "I can get off here and throw up in that garbage can if I can't make it to the next stop") only to rant and rave at all the food commercials there were in between the Seinfeld and Everybody Loves Raymond reruns. They made me want to throw up too. Everything made me want to throw up. I actually did throw up, come to think of it, on my apartment door, wall and floor because I couldn't get the keys out fast enough, but we were living in a luxury building in BPC so I didn't have to clean it up. Ahem.

    Good times, good times.

  13. Please continue writing about being pregnant. I'm afraid of what we'll find if your attention turns to constipation!


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