Monday, August 29, 2011

Dakota Fanning's Flower Penis and 8 Other Dumb Fashion Ads

If I've learned one thing from the cumulative 150+ hours of ANTM I've watched/drunkenly shouted at over the years, it's that fashion shoots are meant to tell a story (well, and that it really hurts to put in a weave). True, in Tyra's case that "story" is often limited to "emotionally unstable young women are thrown into anti-gravity chambers dressed as racial stereotypes," but still. Stories are important. Otherwise it would just be models... modeling clothes. And what purpose would that serve?

So as I was flipping through InStyle while waiting out the hurricane in my underpants and came across this perfume ad, I couldn't help but wonder, Carrie Bradshaw-style: What is this image trying to tell me?


If it's that Dakota Fanning has a vagina, thank you, Marc Jacobs, I always assumed that was true, although to be honest I don't think about it often because I'm pretty sure that would get me arrested in some states. If it's that Dakota Fanning has a penis, I did not know that, but it's her choice, and effeminate boys are really hot right now anyway. And if it's that your new perfume bottle is comically large and looks like a collectible vase from the never-before-seen Lisa Frank Home collection, then job well done, sir.

But that wasn't the only inspiring tale among the magazine's fall fashion ads...


Tamzen searched in vain for a Starbucks bathroom, even though she was reasonably certain she would be unable to remove her pants.


Yes, she was drunk. Yes, she was colorblind. And yes, Honey had gotten dressed in a Port Authority bathroom. But at least she was ready for the PTA meeting.


Only after coating herself in Crisco did Esme realize that it might be hard to hold on to her bag.


Tallulah though the doorman looked different, but she really didn't have time to inquire, as she was already late for her Fashion Institute seminar, "Head to Taupe."


Though she found Frodo unbearable, Galadriel really connected with Mondrian.


Humiliated that she had arrived at the equestrian vampire banquet wearing almost exactly the same gown as two other women, Oksana could do nothing but clutch her muff in fury.


While she sometimes missed her feet, Chamomile was thankful that she no longer had to save her tips for that bunionectomy.

And! I even spotted a Cole Haan model doing my favorite modern fashion pose, the third world toilet!


I might have to renew my vows with ladymags, you guys. I forgot how much they have to teach us.
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24 comments :

  1. thoughts of a lady-boy Dakota led to picturing Dakota Fanning as Ziggy Stardust which was many, many things including disturbing and entertaining.

    Also - I heart your model names. I guffawed when I finally got to Chamomile.

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  2. I saw that Dakota Fanning ad yesterday! I believe my exact words were, "Holy shit! Why is Dakota Fanning so creepy?!?"

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  3. Third world toilet for the win... seriously.

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  4. i will never look at fashion ads the same again. thank you, sincerely.

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  5. "Head to Taupe" -- priceless. I'm wiping tears away.

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  6. Love your comments!

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  7. Anonymous12:47 PM

    You must be a failed model, green with envy that you were never included in cool, edgy sfd.

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  8. Love that crisco look.

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  9. There's another Bebe ad featuring the same girl and her boobs are morphed together somehow. It's very alien-like. I saw it on the side of a bus stop and had to stop and take a pic. It's ridiculous. And on its way to you.

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  10. I was wondering about the Crisco look as well. Went back to the older post - TOO FUNNY! The "third world toilet" is freakishly on point - who thinks up these poses???

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  11. You are brilliant and hysterical--thank you for this! You've added a whole new dimension to my fleeting-but-priceless mindless moments in fashion mag oblivion.

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  12. Funny you mention that Dakota ad, I thought something similar when I saw it. Namely "WTP?" (what the phallic?). I understand she's not as young as she used to be but she's still a minor. Very creepy ad.
    My personal favorites are the Crisco and Third World Toilet ads. Though the Vampire Equestrian Banquet is good too.

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  13. Haha third world toilet!

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  14. Ah thanks for the huge laugh.

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  15. Yes, I think you are correct on all counts.

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  16. I'm just glad that I'm not the only one who looked at that Marc Jacobs ad and wondered why Dakota Fanning was sporting a vagina/penis. Have you seen the Marc Jacobs ads with Helena Bonham Carter? Talk about awkward.

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  17. The Honey-at-the-PTA-meeting one sounded like a line from a Carl Hiaasen novel. :-)

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  18. Thanks for that. :)

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  19. When I saw that add with Dakota Fanning I thought about the dialog during that shoot. "That looks good Dakota, now take this bottle and hmmm let's see how it looks press up against your kootch"!

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  20. I can't seem to get away from those damn Dakota ads! Magazines, Ulta/Sephora perfume inserts...and I keep wondering if they are somehow alluding to her "flower"...?? And then I feel pretty creepy for having had that thought. Oh well.

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  21. I love these posts. Especially third world toilet. Thank you!

    I linked in my "Friday Five" at Kate's Library". Have a great weekend!

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  22. I read you once. I lost you in the internet vortex. I have found you again. I was wondering if you could find the Tom Ford ad where a bottle of his man-cologne shields a 12-year old girl's denuded crotch. Because that was art, not pedophilia. And if she was older than 12 the ad certainly wasn't suggesting that Lady Garden's are repulsive.

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  23. Love it! You are clever, funny and DOBA(dead on balls accurate)!

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