Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Beached

I'm ba-aaack!

Begrudgingly, but still. I had to be physically removed from an Adirondack chair, and not only because I didn't want vacation to end, but also because I seriously could not get up by myself. I waddled around for days thinking that the baby had dropped, but actually I'm an asshole and it turns out you probably shouldn't balance one-legged on a piece of driftwood while eight months pregnant.

In 2007, Jeff took this photo of me:


That's still how I picture myself, but it turns out this is what I actually look like:


(I had to approximate, since Jeff used a film camera. I was so confused, and kept looking for the photos in the viewfinder, like the time my friend's daughter couldn't understand why it was impossible to fast-forward through live television.)

Luckily, large amounts of cheese seemed to assuage my poor pulled pelvis. And Jeff gave me loads of butt massages, regardless of where the pain actually was.

This man kneads a mean glute.
Oh, and of course I debuted my patriotic bikini, a day I like to call The Unbearable Whiteness of Being, Part Deux.

What's more frightening: my deathly pallor, my freakishly short legs, or the fact that Old Navy cannot be bothered to line up its seams correctly?
Yeah, it's not exactly on a par with slurping wine from between my breasts, but what can I say? These days, just standing up unassisted feels daring.

Also: While I was away I had two new posts at Aiming Low, one on how to (possibly illegally) watch TV on your computer and one about the glory of the adolescent awkward phase (I'll take any excuse to post unibrow photos in a public forum.) And I've been posting Onion-esque satire at Insert Eyeroll; you can find my first few posts here, here, and here.
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11 comments :

  1. You look great, Una! Welcome back.

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  2. You look soooo beautiful, Una!

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  3. I feel your pain (due October 13), but you really look amazing, pale & all! Good luck with the delivery; I hope you post about it when you get the chance, so I know what I'm in for;-)

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  4. i think you look great. however, i am shocked - shocked and appalled - at the fact that old fucking navy can't be bothered to line up a few seams. i mean, i sew for shits and giggles and I can be bothered to line shit up.

    lazy bitches. not you, old navy.

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  5. now I feel the need to go check all my old navy striped puchases. assholes.

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  6. How very brave and admirable of you! Despite the fact that I purchased bikinis for the summer, with my pregnant belly in mind, I never even made it to the pool.

    Join Me At the Sweet Feet Shuffle Launch Party- August 18th!

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  7. Lookin good! I've forgotten; when are you due?

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  8. Thanks, guys! I promise I wasn't fishing for compliments. But having talked up the bikini, I kind of had to show it off.

    I'm due 9/25. And duh, I'm totally going to post the birth story, whether you like it or not. :)

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  9. You look great! I'm due in 2 weeks and I swear my baby has a twin pushing out my bum. I totally feel you with the paleness. I live in Hawaii and can't get a tan for anything. I'm always afraid of blinding people when we go to the beach.

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  10. You make a stunning pregnant woman -- I'm elated for you :-)

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  11. You do look great. Maybe this I'm focused on this because I'm not pregnant and haven't worn a bikini since I was 16. Of course that's also the age at which I first became pregnant. For the first time out of four. The last time being when I was 30. Bikinis are not my friend. Sugar, carbohydrates and alcohol are. It's an even trade, most of the time.

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