Since the first week after learning of Una’s pregnancy, I have spent ample time online looking at lil’ baby things. Unfortunately, I am poor and cannot buy my nephew the diamond-encrusted pacifier that he so clearly needs, nay, deserves.
But, I am in charge of the baby shower, so that means I can actually shop around for decorations and a cake. Well lemme tell you, baby shower supplies are a goldmine for TGI...WTF. Like whoa.
Though I could talk for a while about the horror of baby shower decorations, lets just skip to the real gems that are the cakes. I’m sure many of you mamas have seen a few of these suckers circulating the shower scene, because they seem to be quite popular.
One trend I seem to be seeing a lot of is something I’d like to call the “Dead baby on a cake”. Now, some of them, like the one below, seem like innocent enough accidents. I’m sure this was supposed to be all precious and it just didn’t occur to anyone that the dessert table would look like an open casket wake for an infant.
But this next one, well, this one feels to me like Mexican baby Jesus died in childbirth and was laid to rest under a scrap of buffalo rawhide (or, you know, an animal that actually populates Mexico). I don’t know why this baby reminds me of dead Jesus, but it does, so that can’t be good, right? Especially when molded out of marzipan.
Now let's continue on to the “We purposefully baked the baby! Ha!” category. This trend has the potential to be even creepier, I think… Though, maybe a few of them, like the first two below, lean more towards a Hansel and Gretel vibe…. unfortunately a better alternative to what follows.
If this photo didn’t show the baby in an actual oven, perhaps it could look like this was just a very fat baby in a onesie. Still, why is everyone tryin’ to eat beh behs? And can someone tell me how these dolls aren’t melting?
I kind of love this one because it looks like the baby itself is giving birth inside the cake. Push, baby, push! Yum.
All right though, the real winners of the “We purposefully baked the baby” category are the ones that look like roasted pigs on platters (notice I’ve eliminated the “Ha!” because there is no trace of attempted whimsy in these guys). Why not just stick an apple in baby’s mouth and call it a day?
I’m glad someone captured the moment below, because it shows exactly why it is creepy to make a cake in the shape of a baby:
Should’ve gone all the way and made it red velvet.
Then there is the special subcategory of creepy baked baby cakes that also probably taste like ass. I’m not sure how “sacrificed demon flesh baby” could even be served. Do you think people ate him with ketchup?
At least give him mini pepperoni irises or something. Geez.
In this next tasty looking masterpiece it seems that baby is being harvested before it reaches full term. What pregnant woman doesn’t want to arrive at her shower to see a life-sized cake of her dead body on a satin platter? How fun! It’s fancy, like a casket!
Her abdomen is so carefully cut open to reveal a wee baby floating around in amniotic fluid! I wonder what flavor Jell-o was used to get such a realistic milky yellow tinged hue… maybe white grape? Really, guys, this looks like the edible adaptation of a bad 70’s prom themed horror movie. What’s worse about this cake is that it seems like it was really fucking hard to make, and it brings to mind those jars of animal fetuses soaking in formaldehyde from 10th grade biology. It’s less appetizing than the awful baby shower candy bar game…
This game isn’t as bad as that toilet paper game where guests let mom know how fat they think she is by guessing how many sheets of toilet paper it’ll take to fit around her belly. At least this game has chocolate, even though it’s trying its hardest to ruin it by showing its likeness to baby shit. I’m not gonna front, I’d secretly eat that melted snickers out of a diaper once all the guests left.
Creepy Honorable Mentions:
Baby Rachel Maddow cupcake topper!
Piñatas in the shape of babies! C’mon, who OK'ed this glaringly obvious party foul? I know, maybe you’re thinking, “ It’s a pull sting piñata! Harmless fun!”
But the real question is this: Would my candy-obsessed sister beat a paper mache baby to a pulp for a torrent of tootsie roll midgees? I’m undecided*. Lets take a vote.
*She totally would, but so would I.