Friday, July 22, 2011

TGI...WTF? Sugar, Spice, And Everything Horrifying: Sister Zoe's Guide To Baby-Shaped Shower Cakes

Since the first week after learning of Una’s pregnancy, I have spent ample time online looking at lil’ baby things. Unfortunately, I am poor and cannot buy my nephew the diamond-encrusted pacifier that he so clearly needs, nay, deserves.

But, I am in charge of the baby shower, so that means I can actually shop around for decorations and a cake. Well lemme tell you, baby shower supplies are a goldmine for TGI...WTF. Like whoa.

Though I could talk for a while about the horror of baby shower decorations, lets just skip to the real gems that are the cakes. I’m sure many of you mamas have seen a few of these suckers circulating the shower scene, because they seem to be quite popular.

One trend I seem to be seeing a lot of is something I’d like to call the “Dead baby on a cake”. Now, some of them, like the one below, seem like innocent enough accidents. I’m sure this was supposed to be all precious and it just didn’t occur to anyone that the dessert table would look like an open casket wake for an infant.


But this next one, well, this one feels to me like Mexican baby Jesus died in childbirth and was laid to rest under a scrap of buffalo rawhide (or, you know, an animal that actually populates Mexico). I don’t know why this baby reminds me of dead Jesus, but it does, so that can’t be good, right? Especially when molded out of marzipan.


Now let's continue on to the “We purposefully baked the baby! Ha!” category. This trend has the potential to be even creepier, I think… Though, maybe a few of them, like the first two below, lean more towards a Hansel and Gretel vibe…. unfortunately a better alternative to what follows.


If this photo didn’t show the baby in an actual oven, perhaps it could look like this was just a very fat baby in a onesie. Still, why is everyone tryin’ to eat beh behs? And can someone tell me how these dolls aren’t melting?


I kind of love this one because it looks like the baby itself is giving birth inside the cake. Push, baby, push! Yum.

All right though, the real winners of the “We purposefully baked the baby” category are the ones that look like roasted pigs on platters (notice I’ve eliminated the “Ha!” because there is no trace of attempted whimsy in these guys). Why not just stick an apple in baby’s mouth and call it a day?


I’m glad someone captured the moment below, because it shows exactly why it is creepy to make a cake in the shape of a baby:


Should’ve gone all the way and made it red velvet.

Then there is the special subcategory of creepy baked baby cakes that also probably taste like ass. I’m not sure how “sacrificed demon flesh baby” could even be served. Do you think people ate him with ketchup?


At least give him mini pepperoni irises or something. Geez.

In this next tasty looking masterpiece it seems that baby is being harvested before it reaches full term. What pregnant woman doesn’t want to arrive at her shower to see a life-sized cake of her dead body on a satin platter? How fun! It’s fancy, like a casket!


Her abdomen is so carefully cut open to reveal a wee baby floating around in amniotic fluid! I wonder what flavor Jell-o was used to get such a realistic milky yellow tinged hue… maybe white grape? Really, guys, this looks like the edible adaptation of a bad 70’s prom themed horror movie. What’s worse about this cake is that it seems like it was really fucking hard to make, and it brings to mind those jars of animal fetuses soaking in formaldehyde from 10th grade biology. It’s less appetizing than the awful baby shower candy bar game…


This game isn’t as bad as that toilet paper game where guests let mom know how fat they think she is by guessing how many sheets of toilet paper it’ll take to fit around her belly. At least this game has chocolate, even though it’s trying its hardest to ruin it by showing its likeness to baby shit. I’m not gonna front, I’d secretly eat that melted snickers out of a diaper once all the guests left.

Creepy Honorable Mentions:


Fetus cookies!


Baby Rachel Maddow cupcake topper!



Piñatas in the shape of babies! C’mon, who OK'ed this glaringly obvious party foul? I know, maybe you’re thinking, “ It’s a pull sting piñata! Harmless fun!”

Nope.


Really?!

But the real question is this: Would my candy-obsessed sister beat a paper mache baby to a pulp for a torrent of tootsie roll midgees? I’m undecided*. Lets take a vote.

*She totally would, but so would I.
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29 comments :

  1. Love this post, haha. Ugh, babies are so wonderful, I don't see why anybody would hate on them.

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  2. Ouizee8:56 AM

    Have to tell you, for my sister's baby shower (21 years ago) we made a pregnant lady cake with a head and arms and boobs and a big belly and a doll's head coming out from between the cake legs. So fun! Eating boobs and arms wasn't nearly as gross as eating a baby's head, nor was any part of the cake at all realistic looking. Good ol' 20th century...

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  3. Anonymous9:02 AM

    I literally am laughing out loud... or perhaps giggling into my hand to hide it from the 14 dudes I work with. Seriously trying not to laugh and can't help myself... I will have to keep these in mind for when I have a baby one day!

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  4. I don't know whether to laugh or hide. These are seriously disturbing O.o That picture where dude is taking a knife to baby-cakes head pretty much sums it all up. And baby pinatas?!?! Actually, I'd beat the baby-ata for chocolate, who am I kidding.

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  5. HAHAHA, this post was hilarious. For baby showers, I'm in the camp of it should be for the MOM, not about the baby! There are no babies in attendance, so the theme should be grown-up. I can't imagine eating that cake with the amniotic fluid baby... just gross.

    Here's a shower I did recently: http://twoohtwoseven.blogspot.com/2011/06/black-white-and-green-polka-dotty-cow.html

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous6:52 PM

      Much nicer, thank you for restoring my confidence in the young mothers of today.

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  6. Great Job Zoe! Seriously Funny, but you totally put me off my breakfast.

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  7. I do believe, if blindfolded, Una could possibly wack the heck out of a baby pinata for tootsie rolls...if she has already overindulged on punch and some sort of baby/fetus cake...honestly, I have never seen anything so gross in at least a month or so...:)

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  8. You definitely need a diaper cake. I do like the fetii cookies.

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  9. OMGGGGG. I'd seen a couple of baby-themed shower cakes before, and yeah, they seemed pretty ridiculous. But that jello-belly one just gave me diarrhea and nightmare fuel for the next week.

    These cakes are so inappropriate. Mostly because they ruin my appetite for cakes.

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  10. Oh my sweet shit. This deserves about 500 WTFs. Why are people so crazy? WHY?!

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  11. Una deserves all of this at her shower, seriously. I'll invest in the uterus jello mold if need be.

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  12. If you think those are bad, check these out (unless you're eating): http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com

    You've been warned.

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  13. Holy Creepy Fetuses, Batman! These are awful! That second baby cake totally looks like it's from the movie "Don't Look Now" where the little girl the guy chases is really a deranged killer midget. It should have a stake driven through it's heart before slicing, I think.

    What kind of people think this is appropriate? What's wrong with your basic cake that doesn't look like an unfortunate miscarriage?

    Still, I do think that you should have a baby pinata, and there should be film of Una beating it with a stick and then groveling for the tootsie rolls. And yes, have those candy bar diapers. Film of the two of you eating the candy from said diapers is a must, too. Since we can't be there to enjoy it in person we must have our fun through video evidence.

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  14. I had no idea, and now I get to share :D
    I can't believe anyone would think a baby cake is a good idea. Bakers gone crazy!

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  15. that's really messed up. strange. even teddy bear in marzipan creeped me out.

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  16. Just. So. Very. Wrong. WOW!

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  17. i am loving that meatloaf baby. and i'd totally whack a baby shaped pinata for candy.

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  18. OMG, this was so not appropriate reading material for late night blog-reading in bed while husband is sleeping. The bed shook violently as I tried unsuccessfully to stifle my laughter. Hilarious! Why can't you blog already!?

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  19. Rosie6:38 PM

    My mom laughed so hard at this (: you should start your own blog!

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  20. Hysterical!! Love it!! Those kinds of cakes haven't made it to Texas but the baby poop games have. Ugh!!

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  21. That's some creepy collection of terrible baby shower ideas you put together. Really, they all qualify under WTF.
    I once went to a baby shower where they had each guest cut off a piece of string from a string ball that you imagined would fit exactly around the guest of honor's widest part. Lots of awkward silences and forced giggles. Embarrasingly stupid.
    Good luck with your planning.

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  22. I seriously can't stop laughing about the baby pinatas. And then... the photo of someone actually attempting to beat the pinata. Like, WTF? It wasn't bad enough that they existed, we needed photographic evidence of someone using the pinata. So, so very wrong and yet, I find it incredibly hilarious. I guess that makes me wrong... again.

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  23. Wow, that is some disturbing imagery. Ok, honestly, I'd have no trouble unloading on that pinata or eating any of those cakes except the one with the exposed fetus in faux amniotic fluid. And those fetus cookies look downright tasty. They are basically little gingerbread men, no?

    We just had our first child a month ago and have been hanging on for dear life.

    http://375thstreetymca.blogspot.com/2011/07/losing-my-mind.html

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  24. Anonymous9:18 PM

    I hope the pinatas dump rubbers.

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  25. I would definitely get one of those fetal piñatas for a halloween baby shower.

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  26. Anonymous12:30 PM

    These are truly horrific. Who in the wide, wide world would actually BUY these abominations? I've only been to two baby showers in my life - my friends all decided NOT to procreate - and after seeing this nonsense, I'm feeling pretty good about that. YUCK!

    Terri in SF

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  27. Anonymous10:28 PM

    hahahahahahaahah thats terrible..

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  28. Did anyone else notice that 'sacrificed demon baby's diaper was made of bacon?

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