Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Perineum? I Don't Even Know Him!

This photo becomes relevant later, I promise.
Hi everybody! I’m Dr. Nick!

Sorry. Not another guest blogger. Just me, with Simpsons Tourette’s.

Actually, I think there’s something in the air lately--our air conditioner, which Jeff finally had to install once the temperatures in New York broke my are-you-fucking-kidding-me meter, makes the bedroom smell like mildew, but I also think there might be some nitrous oxide in there, because the other night I decided to ogle my own tumescent naked form in front of the full-length mirror, and promptly started laughing hysterically at the sight of my own butt crack.

(I actually exclaimed, “It’s my crack!” before I broke down completely. If you were wondering what I’ve been doing instead of blogging, there you have it.)

This slap-happy relationship I have with my perineal region will obviously take me far as I prepare for labor. Perineal is a doctor word for privates, by the way, and it’s used a lot in prenatal classes and books, because, and I’m not going to mince words here, that is where shit is going to get real in about 9 weeks And no, I am not talking about the potential for literal shit, though there is that. I am talking about the Dali-esque stretching, melting, and general surrealism that is going to be taking place.

(I was talking to my friend Lin about names recently, and was explaining that while Jeff and I do have a name picked out, we’re keeping it a secret until he’s born. “I kind of feel like The Goonies,” I said. “Like, it’s his time down there, and he doesn’t get a name until he comes out.” Lin thought for a second and said, “Until he comes up in Troy’s bucket! Which is the best euphemism I’ve ever used to describe a vagina!”)

But seriously, think about it: Let’s say you build a ship in a bottle. (I don’t know who does that kind of thing, but it seems wholesome, something to bond over with a meticulous and exceedingly patient parent.) Anyway, let’s say you build your ship, and then you want to get it out. Now, there may be a fancy way to do this without breaking the bottle, but I spent most of my childhood craft time making Spin Art and weaving questionable potholders on plastic looms, so I don’t know it. I would just smash the bottle to smithereens and then try to glue it back. Which is why lately I’ve been eyeing an old bottle of Elmer’s we keep in the pantry next to the garbage bags while I do my kegels.

Speaking of which, women start to get a lot of mixed messages about vagina fitness in the last eight weeks or so of pregnancy. I mean, I was under the impression that you want to try to train it to spring-load back into place as soon as that baby pops out. But then, all of a sudden when you get to the third trimester you start hearing about “perineal massage.” That sounds nice, right? It sounds like a back rub for your taint. BUT NO. “Massage” in this case is a gross misnomer. They should call it the perineal taffy pull instead, because what you are actually supposed to do (oh, and if you’re eating breakfast or something, and you’ve somehow gotten this far, maybe stop for a minute to reflect on the Goonies metaphor and then come back when you’ve finished chewing) is hook your thumbs inside your... Troy’s bucket and pull down until it burns. UNTIL IT BURNS. And then you are supposed to hold that pose for two minutes.

The great news, of course, is that you can have your partner do this for you if you can no longer see or reach past your belly. Because nothing says foreplay like a little vagina tugging.

I’m sorry, this post went off the rails. How did I start with an innocuous Simpsons reference and wind up writing what could pass for S&M erotica?

Oh yes, the crack.

Crack is whack, kids. Listen to Whitney.
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18 comments :

  1. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! That's all I did reading this entire post, LAUGHED MY ASS OFF!!!!!!

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  2. Really? You're really supposed to do that?

    I suppose if I'm freaked out by that I probably should steer clear from the whole baby thing all together. If I can't handle a little thumb tugging I might not do well with what comes next.

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  3. Anonymous10:02 AM

    Typically I don't tell labor horror stories to pregnant women but you seem to have a better grasp of what's to come than many.

    We didn't complete our birthing classes with our 1st because she came early (healthy, just 5 weeks ahead of schedule). During labor with her I got on the job training as it were being a "coach." I wasn't prepared for much of what I was seeing aside from two classes and some skimmed sections of What to Expect When You're Expecting.

    Perennial massage in the delivery room is as far from shiatsu as a dicing an onion. The nurse took out this little prescription labeled bottle. As I was at my wife's shoulders, which if Jeff isn't aware, are a mere 6 inches from the baby chute when you're in labor. She begins to pour what I can now read from the label as Olive Oil, directly into my wife's vagina. She then commences with the massage. Lemme tell you, the wide sweeping motion she took as she pulled (three fingers inside) the circumference of said hole nearly made me pass out. I've seen cake pans with larger radii greased with a smaller stroke.

    We're on baby number 3, so don't think it's scarred her or me to the point of never repeating, but it's certainly an eye-opener!

    And I’m not anonymous, but IE refuses to acknowledge my log in and puts me into an eternal loop of signing in.

    Thanks for the Laugh, Dorn

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  4. eugh. that does not sound like a pleasant massage. unless you're into that kind of thing. but honestly? i can't imagine why any woman toting around a baby would be 'into' that.

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  5. hahaha! oh, thanks. that was a good morning read.

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  6. Vagina tugging!! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

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  7. Psychsarah4:03 PM

    I'm shaking I'm laughing so hard, which is lulling my 9 day old baby boy to sleep. Thanks for the laughs and the sleeping baby :)

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  8. You had me at Perineum. Seriously, as soon as I saw the title I new I was in for a treat. You far exceeded my expectations. Thank you.

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  9. What in holy hell... How is it that there are STILL things I have never heard about pregnancy? Perineal massage?? I thought that was, like, gently rubbing the taint with olive oil.

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  10. What the fuck is this?! I knew perineum was the no-no zone, but i thought "perineum massage" was like a soothing gentle... oh... I don't know... MASSAGE. Ugh, at this rate of hearing nightmare inducing horrors, I'm going to be childless forever.

    PS: I passed the fuck out at "...hook your thumb..."

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  11. I never got to the chapter on perineal massage! AHHHHHH!!!! (Is there a chapter in any book about it?) Anyways, my poor perineum tore and one day I hope to bring this to my kid's attention should he try to embarrass me in public as a teenager.

    You're funny as hell.

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  12. This post is all kinds of epic, at which I am still laughing. Thank you!

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  13. Perineum massage: Why have I never heard of this?? Crack I have heard of; I was named after the biggest crackhead, pre-crack of course. But perineum massages? Never... Think Eve had hers massaged? Highly doubtful, therefore not necessary.

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  14. Anonymous11:47 AM

    as much as i love you and your blog and your future baby delight, i would LOVE just one. single. post. that isn't about pregnancy in 2011. everyone i know is pregnant, and i could go lifetimes without hearing about someone's womb at this point.

    i know ya'll are excited, so i propose you find a curmudgeon of the trimester? yeah? please? PLEASE!!!!??!?

    if not, i'll keep reading and laughing and loving (and getting so nauseous i want to throw up on my keyboard), but i am starting to get very passive aggressive towards the pregnant people in my life with whom i interact regularly. do them a service and keep me sane?

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  15. Hi guys!

    I want to just admit off the bat that it's incredibly rude of me to only respond to slightly critical comments and not to the completely lovey-dovey ones. I read ALL of the comments and am grateful to anyone who takes the time to do it.

    That said, Anonymous, I wanted to tell you that I totally get it. When I got pregnant, I had a mini existential crisis about the blog, and whether I would accidentally turn into a mommy blogger, and whether that was even a bad thing. I have actually been trying not to blog about pregnancy constantly, but as I look back over the past few weeks I can see that I'm not really doing a very good job :)

    What can I say? It's sort of all-consuming right now, and since this blog has always just been about my life and current obsessions, I guess it follows that pregnancy has taken over the bulk of my posts.

    I really appreciate your honesty and I know that not everyone wants to hear about babies all the time. And you're right--I need to bring Curmudgeon of the... Whatever back.

    So I'll do what I can, but if you get sick of me talking about my orifices, I give you permission to break up with me temporarily. No hard feelings! You can also make passive-aggressive eye rolls while reading the blog. It's good for the ocular nerves AND the soul.

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  16. Well, in France, your perineum reeducation is free and taken very seriously, might I add. 20 sessions with a joystick that makes things contract by sending fun little electric jolts. And then you have to squeeze and make the blue line on the screen follow the yellow brick road.

    It's play-station for moms.

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  17. Oh, boy, taint no way I'd be up for any of that there hooha stretching. NO. WAY. But you have my sympathies at the state of your perineum. I birthed four of those suckers. But you have fun with that, girl. ;-))

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  18. hahah! I need to check your blog way more often than I do; it makes me laugh every single time!

    And, yeah...massage has got to be the worst misnomer ever, if that's what it's really all about. UGH!

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