It’s been a while, huh?
To be honest, I shied away a bit after telling you all my deep dark secrets. Unfortunately, as I suspected, I horrified most of my family, and even some friends--whatever, guys, I was just tellin’ it like it is. This isn’t a post about my sexual escapades with Nickelodeon characters though…but before I get on to my main point (I sort of have one), here is a brief* list of some things about me that will hopefully serve to counteract the image of a drunk prostitute that I so vividly painted for you last time.
|This is not that fellow. This is my friend Phoebe's daughter. And despite her best efforts I didn't let her have any beer.|
That last one just felt obnoxious. I wanted to say bombastic, but that’s not really right, and also, tell me who can use that word without thinking I’m Boombastic say me fantastic…she touch me on my butt say I’m Mr. BOOM! But I digress…
* NEVER believe me when I promise to be brief. I am pretty much incapable of this.
Yesterday my brother-in-law accused me (lovingly) of being “so full of hate”, and suggested that I share it with the world through blogging. Well I disagree, Jeffrey, I am clearly full of love and buckets of guilt.
Now that we’re all clear on how charmingly multifaceted I am, to my main point: MY SISTER IS HAVING A BABY. Like for real she is, no joke, have you noticed? Every time I see her, that little belly has grown, so I KNOW this is for real, guys. I know this is common knowledge, but there is a person living inside of her. Can you believe it?
I am head over heels in love with him already. He was being a tad withholding and wouldn’t kick for me for weeks, so we had a moment of beef, but then he did and now we’re biffles. I have so much to say on this but I took up the whole post talking about how great I am. My bad. There will be many Beh Beh Z/aunthood related posts in the near future, cause this baby is only gonna get bigger and the weather is only gonna get hotter, and my sister will need to spend a lot of time eating ice cream sandwiches and napping in front of a fan. But for now I’ll just say that the time I used to spend watching reruns of Real Housewives and eating cereal straight from the box is now spent watching reruns of Real Housewives and embroidering tiny pastel things. Turns out I have no embroidery skills, but the kid can’t turn out lookin’ crazier than this, right?
|1) We lived in Texas, and 2) as far as I know I wasn’t born a Guatemalan boy, so I’d like an explanation for this outfit, mom.|