Monday, June 20, 2011

Parental Priorities, Chapter One: Naming Rights

Names are important.

(I know, I'm so deep. How do you stand it?)

Still, you have to admit, they are. And I'm not even talking about people names, which I'll get to in a moment. I'm talking about paint names. We're getting ready to paint the baby's room, and we know we want it to be green. What shade of green? Well, there's "apple blossom" (cute!). There's "lily pad" (CUTE!!). And then there's "dill weed."

Someone at Benjamin Moore does not want anyone to paint their house "dill weed." They could have called it "old sage" or "African Kermit," but no. Dill weed. And I'm sure that's not the worst paint name out there. If I were the CEO of Benjamin Moore, I would make a nice dark brown and call it BM (for the company's initials, obviously).

I am shallow, so I choose a great many things based on the name. Like nail polish ("Strawberry Margarita," after my favorite summer beverage), Jamba Juice (whatever makes me sound the least like a moron, i.e. no "Mango-a-go-go"), primary care physicians (but seriously, how else are you supposed to pick?). I cannot in good conscience bring my son into a room painted the color "dill weed." The color should be adorable-sounding, or, at the very least, stately.

In terms of the kid's name, Jeff and I only have one hard and fast rule: he can't share a name with anyone either of us has slept with (sorry, Jon Hamm!). We probably could come up with stricter parameters (no hyphenated first names ending in -Bob; no Muppets; no serial killers; no corporate sponsorship*), but not associating our child with sex (at least, other than the direct role it played in his conception) is all we can muster the energy to care about.

*Dorito Zorabedian does sound pleasantly ethnic, though. I bet he'd play in the World Cup.

Well, that and the relative cuteness of the random name assigned to the color of a paint swatch by a bored BM intern, obviously. Priorities, we rock at them.

Bonus Fun Fact: According to What to Expect, this week our unborn son's balls are descending from his abdomen into his scrotum, a trip that the book says "can take up to three days." I would like to officially claim the movie rights to that treacherous journey. I'm thinking Jake Gyllenhaal and Scott Caan would make great testicles.


  1. Lol! 3 days is a treacherous journey! What if they get separated? What then?!

  2. psychsarah10:42 AM

    ahhh-the ongoing randomness of the WTE book/app...

    I always wonder who's job it is to name the colours of paint, lipstick, nail polish etc., and how you get that gig.

  3. I'm glad to see someone else recognizing the picking of doctors by their names. Seriously it's not like you can schedule an interview! My favorite nail polish right now is named Grapes of Wrath.

  4. Judge not: I feel quite certain I'd like the actual color that is called "Dill Weed." But I'm with you--I'd never, in good conscience, be able to paint my kid's room that color. Not ever.

    Still laughing over the dark brown color you'd call BM--clever girl. :)

    I'm excited to hear what name your little tyke will end up with. At least you're taking this child-naming business seriously!

  5. It's very important those little guys make it to their final destination. You don't want one to get left behind up there! Although might make for an interesting plot twist in the movie...

    Please give your child an actual name and not a colour or fruit or feeling. Although Joy is a feeling and not a horrible name for a girl. I had my first child in high school. Yes I was a dirty girl. However dirty I may have been I gave him a solid name (Steven). Other girls I shared my slutty pubescent pregnant ways with? Chose names like Oakley. Or the siblings, Justus (their genius spelling) & Patience...

    I win.

  6. Another rule to add: No apostrophes. And nothing that starts with "La" or "Le." As in LaMichael. Or L'Michael. I also do not recommend naming your child after diseases, food, or alcohol. I have known a child name Courvoisier. Seriously, even all his friends thought his parents were drunken idiots. They were right.

  7. Last night I got involved in watching the Miss USA pageant. It featured shoes by Chinese Laundry and swimwear by Candy Wrappers.
    Both company names repel me.

    Painting when I was pregnant was one of those "blame it on the pregnancy" things I got out of. I believe the doctor actually did tell me not to (fumes, maybe?), but I could have made that up, I no longer remember.

  8. Three days? Are they stopping for snacks? And Scott and Jake should officially be out of the running now.

  9. I'm actually kind of glad that testicles take three days to descend. Even then, that seems a little fast, don't you think? I mean, if it took twenty minutes I would expect a comical 'pop' noise to accompany their arrival. That that finger/side of mouth poppy noise I could never master.

    And while we're discussing named things... what about crayons? I sometimes refused to use certain crayons for things based solely off their name. I remember coloring with my dad one afternoon (well before kindergarten, even) and he suggested the color 'Macaroni & Cheese' for my self portrait's hair color. I was furious.

  10. I feel like there's a good "that's what she said" joke hovering in the air but I can't quite put my finger on it... Your use of the phrase "hard and fast" in a sentence about sex partners has broken my brain.

  11. There IS a movie about the testicles descending! It's all artsy and symbolic and strange. It's called the Cremaster Cycle and they are directed by Matthew Barney. They are quite hard to watch, but you should check out a few of the strange clips.

  12. ROFLOL - for real! I remember years ago seeing the color "celedon" (tame for a color name but daring back then!) on something at J.Crew and thinking - what's that all about? It's light green, for goodness sake - call it like it is! Nail polish colors tend to be fun though - maybe your baby could be named "I'm not really a Waitress" (Or INRAWR for short...) See OPI... :-)


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