Thursday, June 9, 2011

Everything I've Always Hated About Summer* *But Was Too Afraid To Admit: Volume 2

So last summer I came out about my hatred of melon, madras, and beach volleyball, and oh, it hurt so good. And since it was 98+ degrees today in NYC, and lugging my belly around felt like doing a three-legged race with an amputee in a shallow pool of molasses, I thought it was a good time to pick up where I left off.

Ahem...

White Jeans. I don’t know who decided that wearing head-to-toe white in the summer was important (maybe Diddy?). Look, I know that white reflects sun and keeps you cool and looks nice on boats. And if you have been blessed with a set of slender, shapely legs and the ability not to spill whatever you happen to be eating immediately onto your lap, then please, knock yourself out with the albino denim.

But unless you live inside a Ralph Lauren ad amongst nothing but sun-bleached rocks and immaculately scrubbed yacht decks, white jeans are not a practical item of clothing. Think about it: what do you think of when you think of summer? Barbecue, right? Grass. Sweat stains. None of which are allowed in these pants. And if you live in New York, forget it. One step outside your door in July and you'll be blasted with a steaming puff of street grime-filled air that would turn Justin Bieber black.

Victoria Beckham, demonstrating the ever-popular "hip dysplasia" fashion pose. She is not, presumably, about to sit on the NYC subway or eat a plate of ribs.
(Some of you may recall that I own a pair of white jean shorts, which makes me somewhat of a hypocrite, but in my defense I don't look good in them. Are you happy now, Diddy? ARE YOU??)

Frisbee. When I walk through the park or along the beach and see a group of people throwing a frisbee around and laughing, I don't think, What good, clean fun, or even, Wow, that guy really needs to put his shirt back on. No, I think, I am going to get hit in the face


The Hipster Reappropriation Of Old Lady Sandals. Remember back in the summers of the early aughts when we all used to shuffle around in those $3 mesh slippers favored by elderly Chinese women? (I used to pair mine fetchingly with my cropped sweatpants during trips to the corner bodega for toilet paper refills. It was a sexy time.)

Anyway, lately I've been noticing these on everyone:


Now, it bears mentioning that these sandals have been in style for a long time, at least among certain sectors of the population. For instance, my mother's Polish cleaning woman has worn them since the late 1980s, usually with the kind of thick support hose you could insulate walls with. And look, better that young women are wearing orthopedic footwear than hooker heels. But really--can't we stop taking the old ladies' shoes?

Gazpacho. I know I'll make some enemies here, but if I wanted to drink cold tomato sauce... well, you'd probably have to lock me in the Ragu factory overnight, Career Opportunities-style, because there is no way I'm doing that voluntarily, I don't care how floridly you pronounce it, Alex Trebek.

Salsa: It's what's for dinner.
Honorable mentions:  Men in Adidas sandals; air conditioners set to "cryogenic freeze" setting; skin cancer pictorials in my Us Weekly.
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19 comments :

  1. Your fear of Frisbees? Founded.

    Waaaay back in 1998, my first day of Harvard Summer School, as an innocent 16-year-old getting my first taste of dorm life, college, and the quad, I walked breezily across some piece of lawn, with nary a care or a concern, when a Frisbee flung by my friend's boyfriend his me squarely on the nose. A whole consort walked me to the ER, where it was pronounced I had broken my nose (or, rather, Andy's Frisbee had done the deed). No, they weren't going to do anything about it, as it was a clean break. So I just spent the entire summer with blood pooling into my cheeks and under-eye saggy bits of rainbow colors from the bruising. Is it any wonder I didn't attract any boyfriends of my own that summer?

    Be ware the Frisbee. Be ware.

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  2. Victoria Beckham is the woman I'd most like to take out to dinner.

    Because there is no danger of her eating her full half of pizza - leaving plenty for me.

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  3. Gazpacho is disgusting. I remember the first and only time I had it I just stood in disbelief at my friends spread-o-fixins and said "really? I'm supposed to put ice IN it? WHY?" What a waste of good produce.

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  4. oh.... and I'm guessing she is probably dirty.

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  5. Sorry, I love gazpacho (why am I sorry?). On a hot day, it hits the spot.

    A couple of summers ago, I carved sections of cucumber into shot-glass-like cups and filled them with gazpacho. We'd shoot back the gazpacho and then eat the cucumber. Mmm.

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  6. Sister Zoe9:46 AM

    This would be my exact list, sister. I feel you on all counts. Extra special hatred reserved for people who play frisbee long-distance and over the heads of innocent sunbathers- especially jerky dudes in Adidas slip-ons who look really smug about it...like they do it on purpose because they enjoy making you flinch like you have a facial tic, wincing every three minutes as you prepare yourself for potentially getting hit in the face... because you are just being sillllly, clearly they are frisbee masters showcasing their talents for all of sheep meadow-BUT THEN THAT SHIT DOES HIT YOU BECAUSE NO ONE REALLY HAS CONTROL OVER A FUCKING FRISBEE.

    I feel very strongly about this.

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  7. White is the most awful colors to wear if you do anything at all! I spill everything on myself if I wear white!

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  8. I've never commented before, but I just had to tell you that "lugging my belly around felt like doing a three-legged race with an amputee in a shallow pool of molasses" is simply the most awesomepants analogy to being pregnant in the summer on the East Coast. I'm 27 weeks, and all I want is a baby pool filled with ice and an unlimited supply of Chick Fil-A lemonade. Thanks!

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  9. Just think if you combined everything on this list: a game of frisbee played in white jeans and old-lady sandals followed by a cold bowl of gazpacho. Disastrous!

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  10. Anonymous1:10 PM

    Okay, you lost me on gazpacho, which is one of my favorite things about summer, but I couldn't agree more about white jeans (and white shorts). One of my most embarrassing moments, now many years in the past but still remembered with vivid horror, involved spillage on an outfit involving white bermuda shorts, a white and blue striped shirt and white tennies (it was the 1980's so you have to forgive me). I foolishly went to a cheap Greek restaurant in Brooklyn Heights, ordered a gyro and a large iced coffee with cream. Within minutes of sitting down, the gyro with tomato sauce collapsed all over my white shorts, making them look like a bloody mess, and in the flustered process of trying to clean up the mess (which involved smearing it even more indelibly into my clothes), I tipped over the iced coffee, which then poured all over the rest of my white outfit. I sat there, wet and messy and mortified, thinking that my only consolation was that I didn't actually know anyone in the restaurant, when the guy at the next table leaned over and said "Hey, weren't we in Art History together in college?" Sitting in a puddle of tomato-lamb-coffee-stained-muck, I thought I was going to sink into the ground and die. I have never worn white again.

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  11. Aaah these made me laugh. No white jeans are possible in NY, that's for sure. Unless you're strolling down 57th where the sidewalks allow you wide berth and your stretch limo is waiting.

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  12. The last time I wore white pants was in the seventh grade, and I sat on a bag of strawberries in them. That was when I learned the lifelong lesson that white pants are bull shit. So are those awful old lady shoes and the annual parade of skin cancer photos. Gah.

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  13. I had a pair of those white carpenter jeans that I used to wear in the summer with a navy blue t-shirt and my navy Dr. Scholls sandals .
    Man, I thought I looked great with my red hair and sun fried freckles.
    I was pregnant for most of a very hot June once. Miserable. I opted out and went for springtime babies after that. Much better. Just lay around in your undies with a bowl of ice cream on your belly watching mindless television, it worked for me.

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  14. Oh God not the white pants! XD! I've never owned them, but I've watched the shenanigans associated with much empathy and many winces.

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  15. Amen! Preach it. I'm on board with all of those (but in my mind I will one day be slim and walk the streets in white pants). You've given me this mental image of hipsters playing frisbee in white skinny jeans and cheap grandma/expensive addidas sandals while letting their gazpacho flavors marry.

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  16. White skinny jeans + black old lady sandals + compulsory Talbot's blouse = my co-worker's summer attire thus far.

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  17. holy shit i could not agree with you any more than i already do. (what?!?) yah that's right.
    some more summer trends that can suck it:
    - humidity: cause earlobes are not meant to sweat.
    - mojito's: mushy leaves in sparkling water with rum, lime and sugar? blech.
    - canoeing. just cause.

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  18. Anonymous2:54 PM

    LOVE this and couldn't agree more! And I'll take your gazpacho and raise you one outdoor festival with white people dancing to reggae.
    (ps I'm white)
    -Libby

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  19. Gazpacho is pointless. So is driving to the lake to sit around and drink when you could do the same thing at your house, sans rednecks.

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