Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Ab-solut Freedom

I got my issue of Women's Health in the mail yesterday. The cover promised me Flat Abs--Fast!, but I had to shift around slowly in a circle in order to see it, peering over my increasingly bulbous belly. Then I laughed, the throaty, self-satisfied cackle of someone who has known true freedom, or who is plotting Dynasty-style revenge.

Because as a woman, there is no cult more powerful than the cult of abdominal worship. You get registered as a lifetime member against your will, and once you're in, there's no getting out. It's like Scientology, but with the ab roller instead of the e-meter (and the cult of abs loves the gays).

But for 10 months at a time, if your ovaries cooperate, you can defect.

It's like one of those MasterCard commercials:
  • Approximately 16 pregnancy tests: $112
  • Health insurance: $600/month
  • Out-of-pocket ultrasound because your expensive health insurance still manages to suck: $350
  • Elastic-waist maternity pants, voluminous blouses, bigger bras, shoes half a size larger than you normally wear: $500
  • Creams that will control your exciting new acne without giving your baby horns or a tail: $40
  • Tons of baby shit*: More money than you have.   (*not literal)
  • Not being able to see your vagina: Eh, I'm sure it's fine.
  • Not having to worry about flat abs for 40 weeks: Priceless.
(Psssst, I'm available, MasterCard, if you need me. I'll bring the sweatpants, you bring the complimentary bikini wax. Because seriously, I'm flying blind down  there.)
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9 comments :

  1. Shhhh already...do not laugh too loud or too often. While there are those very lucky (obviously) bitchy girls whose abs shrink back to pre-baby glory, the majority of us find our abs have had the last laugh...forever.

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  2. Oh, I know, honey. That's why I'm laughing NOW. I'll be drinking later. ;)

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  3. From one pregnant lady to another, AMEN!

    Where/What acne medicine did you find to use during pregnancy. I have looked/google searched like crazy and have found nothing. $40 would be well worth it at this point!

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  4. Kristen, I did some online research (read: Googled "pregnancy acne") and decided to try Mario Badescu's drying cream. I use the tinted version, and so far it's worked OK. It doesn't make it disappear immediately, but it helps. I also use his aloe lotion, which is basically a toner.

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  5. "Not being able to see your vagina: Eh, I'm sure it's fine"
    HA! LOVE IT!
    Not your vagina...the sentence.

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  6. I, for one, love your vagina. It's got a big day coming up and why not throw a little love it's way. And a wax if you're so inclined for the baby to not look like he's wearing a bad toupee at delivery. Was that too far? I hope not. I liked this post a lot.

    I've had four kids. Where do you think my abs are? Keep in mind I'm using the term "abs" loosely. Pun intended.

    &%$#

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  7. You know, after I gave birth to The Kid, my body issues pretty much disappeared. I mean, I'm still aware that my body isn't perfect, but I just don't care like I used to. I'm freeeeeeeeeee! :)

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  8. What you said is so right. It's like a trap.
    Goa beach house

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  9. Never having had a baby...what drives me crazy are the gals who do have kids and STILL have better abs than I do! It's simply not fair.

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