Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Ab-solut Freedom

I got my issue of Women's Health in the mail yesterday. The cover promised me Flat Abs--Fast!, but I had to shift around slowly in a circle in order to see it, peering over my increasingly bulbous belly. Then I laughed, the throaty, self-satisfied cackle of someone who has known true freedom, or who is plotting Dynasty-style revenge.

Because as a woman, there is no cult more powerful than the cult of abdominal worship. You get registered as a lifetime member against your will, and once you're in, there's no getting out. It's like Scientology, but with the ab roller instead of the e-meter (and the cult of abs loves the gays).

But for 10 months at a time, if your ovaries cooperate, you can defect.

It's like one of those MasterCard commercials:
  • Approximately 16 pregnancy tests: $112
  • Health insurance: $600/month
  • Out-of-pocket ultrasound because your expensive health insurance still manages to suck: $350
  • Elastic-waist maternity pants, voluminous blouses, bigger bras, shoes half a size larger than you normally wear: $500
  • Creams that will control your exciting new acne without giving your baby horns or a tail: $40
  • Tons of baby shit*: More money than you have.   (*not literal)
  • Not being able to see your vagina: Eh, I'm sure it's fine.
  • Not having to worry about flat abs for 40 weeks: Priceless.
(Psssst, I'm available, MasterCard, if you need me. I'll bring the sweatpants, you bring the complimentary bikini wax. Because seriously, I'm flying blind down  there.)


  1. Shhhh not laugh too loud or too often. While there are those very lucky (obviously) bitchy girls whose abs shrink back to pre-baby glory, the majority of us find our abs have had the last laugh...forever.

  2. Oh, I know, honey. That's why I'm laughing NOW. I'll be drinking later. ;)

  3. From one pregnant lady to another, AMEN!

    Where/What acne medicine did you find to use during pregnancy. I have looked/google searched like crazy and have found nothing. $40 would be well worth it at this point!

  4. Kristen, I did some online research (read: Googled "pregnancy acne") and decided to try Mario Badescu's drying cream. I use the tinted version, and so far it's worked OK. It doesn't make it disappear immediately, but it helps. I also use his aloe lotion, which is basically a toner.

  5. "Not being able to see your vagina: Eh, I'm sure it's fine"
    HA! LOVE IT!
    Not your vagina...the sentence.

  6. I, for one, love your vagina. It's got a big day coming up and why not throw a little love it's way. And a wax if you're so inclined for the baby to not look like he's wearing a bad toupee at delivery. Was that too far? I hope not. I liked this post a lot.

    I've had four kids. Where do you think my abs are? Keep in mind I'm using the term "abs" loosely. Pun intended.


  7. You know, after I gave birth to The Kid, my body issues pretty much disappeared. I mean, I'm still aware that my body isn't perfect, but I just don't care like I used to. I'm freeeeeeeeeee! :)

  8. What you said is so right. It's like a trap.
    Goa beach house

  9. Never having had a baby...what drives me crazy are the gals who do have kids and STILL have better abs than I do! It's simply not fair.


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